Step Sixty-One: The Gift of Receiving Presence

Dear Readers,

This Christmas I learned a very hard lesson. I learned about the gift of receiving. Not just receiving presents but the gift of receiving presence. I learned a while ago the importance of graciously receiving another person's gifts. Of accepting that they genuinely wanted to share with you, to enjoy something with you. It wasn't natural to me, but I have gotten the hang of it. This year, however, I had to learn something much harder.

I am spending Christmas break with a friend's family. At first, it was hard. I missed my family and knowing what the traditions were. But more so, I felt that I was intruding. Make no mistake, my friend and her entire family have been nothing but inviting, they have given me no reason to feel anything but welcome. Yet, I felt acutely aware of one singularly daunting reality: this was not mine.

I was frustrated and discouraged. I wanted to have a good holiday, I wanted my friend and her family to have a good holiday. I just felt like there was something stopping me. As I explored this feeling of being blocked I came to a realization: I was not receiving. My friend's family had offered me every opportunity, they showered me with love and generosity. Up until this point I had been unable to receive that. I wanted it, I longed to let myself experience it, but I was afraid.

The problem, I found, was that in receiving the gift of their presence, in fully delighting in them, in who they were and what their hospitality had done for me I had to let my guard down. What I am saying is, in receiving the gift of presence, we must also give the gift of our presence.

It's terrifying, to let someone else meet you, to give them the option of delighting in you, or of rejecting you. It is a risk. But then, that is the purpose of this blog. To dare you. To challenge you. To prove to both you and to myself that risks are rewarding. I'm not denying it, sometimes we will be rejected. It will hurt and it will suck. But those moments, those rare and awesome moments, when you allow yourself to be fully and completely present with someone else, to be fully and completely delighted in by someone else... well the romantic in me can't help but think those moments are entirely worth it.

Step Sixty: Be Like Timothy

Dear Readers,

Recently, God brought onto the table an opportunity for me to serve Him through a business. At first I was crazy excited. The opportunity is unique and is a ministry that I can stand behind. Then I let my thoughts get the better of me. I'm a college kid. I couldn't possibly serve Him in an effective way, could I? Then God reminded me, rather forcibly, that He uses youth to His advantage. As it says in 1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity."

Throughout most of the bible God repeatedly uses those of youth to serve Him. King David is a Shepard BOY and he becomes the man after God's own heart. King Josiah comes to thrown at 8, and begins his religious reforms in his twenties and completely reforms the entire nation. Mary was probably my age when she was pregnant with Jesus. Heck. Even Jesus himself wasn't all that old when he died. Reality is, young or old God can use us. He will use us. It isn't a question of our usefulness, it is a question of our willingness.

I am saying yes. I have absolutely NO idea where He is going to take me or how it is going to change my life, but I am ready to watch Him change the world. Are you?

Step Fifty-Nine: Go Treasure Hunting

Dear Readers,

It is the week before finals... a.k.a. the week you give yourself a heart attack panicking because you still have several unwritten term papers and you should have started studying ages ago. Having finished a second consecutive paper and feeling slightly stressed I decided it was time to blow off some steam. As I was returning tonight I ran into a friend I have been longing to talk to, but have not had time to mesh schedules with. I choose to believe that it was divine procrastination that brought us together. As I embraced my friend and engaged her in conversation, the stresses of school and change and life fell away. As I genuinely took a moment to delight in her beauty and in our friendship, I let my priorities realign themselves. I was less concerned about the motion of individual slides on tomorrow's powerpoint slide and more concerned with loving this wonderful woman and delighting in her heart.

I took a moment to hit the pause button of life. I took a moment to bask in the beauty that God has granted my friend. Dipped my heart in a wellspring of wisdom. And it was wonderful!

The reality is we all need a pause button. Better yet, we need to be our own pause button. We were uniquely created to be in community with God AND with others. If we are so busy doing things that we cease to see the beauty that God has endowed each and every one of us then it is past time to hit that pause button. Take a moment and allow our priorities realign themselves. When the clock strikes midnight (figurative, not the 30 minutes from now midnight) the grade I got on my history paper, the amount of study time I put into my courses, nor the number of perfect scores I get will have any weight. Instead it will be conversations like the one I had tonight in which God's face is unveiled through my friend that I will spend eternity unraveling.

I told my friend that each of us has a hidden treasure within us. God has given each of us some unique characteristic, some individual aspect of Himself. It is my joy to dive into my own heart and into the hearts of those around me in search of those gems. And when I get into heaven, I imagine that on the rainy gray days Jesus and I will sit down with some kettle corn by a purple fire burning in the shape of a dinosaur and we will start to piece together the puzzle of God. The trick is to find enough of the pieces to make a picture!

So, when in doubt, pause all that adult-y stuff and go treasure hunting with your friends!

Step Fifty-eight: Make it Magical

Dear Readers,

I have a confession to make: I disliked Christmas. Actually, I loathed it. My memories of the holiday are riddled with fighting, tension, and overwhelming sadness. Christmas decorations made me cringe. Christmas music made me want to flee. In fact, I hated Christmas so much that the thought of the quickly approaching holiday sent me into numerous panic attacks. I could rationalize that Christmas was going to be very different this year. I could reason that there would not be fighting or tension or misery engulfing me this year. But I couldn't believe it. Not in my heart.

In the beginning of November, my friend mentioned that she really wanted to go to Disneyland for her birthday. My wing-mates, being the crazy spontaneous and awesome people they are, jumped right on board. So it was settled, the first weekend of December (a.k.a last weekend) we decided that we would road trip the 8 hours to Los Angeles for the weekend and hit up the fantastic world of Disney.

Now, for those of you who have ever been to Disneyland during the holidays, you know that Disneyland in December is Christmas-palooza and therefore my worst nightmare. I worried about going, fretted how my body would react, worried about ruining the trip for my friends.... but I decided I would go anyways. So Friday afternoon rolls around, our car is packed, the food conveniently located for snacking purposes and my last class of the day is finally over. We spend the next 8 hours blaring music, licking our cheetoh-orange fingers and chatting. We arrive at one of my wing-mate's house, meeting up with our friend's and, being girls, we talked until late that night.

The next morning we woke up "early", ate our breakfast, and headed to that magical place. Upon entering the park, a giant Christmas tree, decked with ornaments and lights and fake snow, greeted us. I, as a whole, dismissed it from my thoughts and instead focused on the awesomeness of being in Disneyland. We had dedicated ourselves to staying until after Fantasmic, a show Disneyland puts on at night after fireworks. As night time approached, we headed towards a giant castle decked out with lights. We found a seat close to the line for "It's a Small World After all" to watch the fireworks. As we settled ourselves amongst the crowd a song came over the many speakers. A princess sounding voice quieted the crowd. Fireworks exploded overhead. Flashes of color filled the night sky, illuminating the castle below it. It was a symphony of color and sound intermingling with one another, beautifully choreographed. As the show came on, snow was expelled and "Believe in Holiday Magic" started to play. The song was a challenge. It dared those to remember the ideal-ness of life, to remember the magic of the holidays. As the words to the song penetrated me, the castle lights turned back on and the snow fell around me, I recalled my own Christmases. They haven't been good. There is good reason for me to have feared Christmas. But no longer. I told myself when I left Colorado that I was reclaiming Christmas for my own, but the truth is, I was afraid of Christmas. Now, I am rewriting my memories.

My first Christmas memory is the sight of a giant Christmas tree, full of ornaments, lights, and fake snow. It stands in the center of a town square and greets all visitors. Garlands, lights and bows, wrap themselves around street lamps and shops. Wreaths hang over cross sections. My first Christmas memory is holding my friends hand while bright flares color the sky. It is sitting in a boat, traveling around "the world" while little puppets sing various Christmas carols. It is a giant castle lighted in just the right way so that the white light bulbs hang down the turrets looking like icicles. I cannot wait to see what new Christmas memories my friends and I create together! I am so excited for this new holiday!

To my fellow Grinches, I'm sure you have a reason for it. I'm even quite certain that it is entirely justified. I understand. But my question for you is what are you doing to change it? I spent so long running I forgot that life and holidays are what you choose to make them. I have chosen to make mine magical, pun intended, and I would hope that you would consider making yours magical too. Christmas is a truly beautiful time. It is my hope and prayer that you might have but a moment to experience that beauty!

Step Fifty-Seven: Soaking in the Ocean

Dear Readers,

Last weekend I visited the beach for the first time since I moved out here. We were celebrating one of my beautiful friend's birthday. After arriving at the beach, we only took the time to roll up our pant legs before sprinting for the shoreline. As my feet kicked up sand and the ocean lapped at my feet I was struck by the enormity of it all. I stood at the edge of the pacific ocean, rolling cumulus clouds filling the bright blue sky, the brilliant yellow sun reflecting off the water and sand making the beach an array of vibrant colors. As I took in the blending of water and sky, I realized my insignificance in the world. I realized that the waves that crashed in upon my toes would be the same today, tomorrow, and for the generations to come after me. They would continue to roll in to the eruption of joyful giggling long after my footprints had been washed away. Long after the days of my life have passed. It was wonderful! I am nothing more than a set of fading footprints awaiting the next crashing wave, yet those footprints mean something! They matter to the creator of the universe! I am utterly insignificant and yet His love for me is as constant and unending as the crashing waves! It is a beautiful thing! He is a beautiful King!

So here is my challenge, find yourself on the shore of the ocean or at the tip of a mountain or in the midst of the desert and praise Him! Through all things, through all trials, in the moment you are weakest... praise Him!

Step Fifty-Six: Truly Transparent

Dear Readers,

Going to a Christian college can be trying for anyone who ever experiences any kind of negative human emotion. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, there is a sentiment amongst Christians that because we are "Christians" we can never struggle, never have a bad day, never be unhappy. It isn't even a cognitive thought. We just assume this role of false cheer. We all plaster on our smiles and even when tears threaten to rain down, we laugh at the bad Christian jokes and pretend that we aren't hurting, that we aren't broken.

This week has been tough. A combination of outside factors and some tough news from home left me feeling completely despondent. It was so easy to ignore the negative emotions building up within me. To keep the smile and pretend like everything was okay, but faithful, as always, God surrounded me with a couple of fantastic women who encouraged me beyond expression. They pulled my head upon their shoulder (or lap) and rubbed my back when the stress and sorrow overwhelmed me. When I just couldn't plaster that smile on again. They challenged me, when I longed to withdraw and play pretend, they dared me to be real. To be who I was in each moment, if that person was laughing, then I ought to laugh loudly. If that person was crying, I ought to wail fully. They assured me over and over again that they loved me in that moment. That they honored and respected my tears just as much as they rejoiced and delighted in my smile. But mostly, they lead by example. It is an amazing thing when two friends can come together and be truly transparent with one another. When they can sit together and feel completely comfortable revealing their current needs, their current desires. And what a blessing when we entrust our friends to care for us! What joy we possess when they come through! This is true friendship, that when we ask our friends how they are and they respond transparently that they are not well, they are not okay... that we have the privilege of loving them fully, as they are.

Step Fifty-Five: Remembrance and Thanksgiving

Dear Readers,

Perhaps it is coincidence that I etch this blog into existence at this time, with the American season of thanks rolling upon us, but regardless of it's timing, I urge you all to consider it's importance.

Life is great. It's wonderfully fantastic and it seems that with each breath, I grow in leaps and bounds. It truly is as if I have taken a crash course in life. As I sat reflecting on this growth, a realization dawned on me: I lost my home a year ago this week. Wow! What a drastic difference! Let me illustrate:

Last October was probably the one of the hardest months of my short-lived life. By this time, it was an inevitable fact that my family was losing their home in November. I was already stressed with attempting to get a 4.0 while simultaneously taking Physics, Chemistry, and Trigonometry, and then I had to pack. I also was struggling with figuring out where I was to live. My uncle and cousins (who had been living with us) had their own apartment, my sister and brother were going to live with my father, and my mother was going to live with my grandmother and great grandmother. This left me. I was confused, not for lack of options, but because of the abundance of complications. How was I to get to school, where was I to sleep, what was best for my family, what was least burdensome on those who took me in. At times throughout the month I felt so discouraged and so despondent to the many complications of living with someone the thought of homelessness was appealing. I could handle showering in the girls locker room, I couldn't handle the massive influx of details to the already crappy situation. The entire month of October was riddled with stress and pain. Discouragement and fear layering each moment, anxiety coats my memory, even now, like a thick coat of paint. I could not imagine surviving the loss of our home, much less making it to college. It all seemed so fruitless.

Needless to say, I survived. In fact, I thrived. November was probably one of the best months of my life. For the friends I decided to stay with were so uplifting, so encouraging, and so restorative. They gave me a foundation of love and support with which I could face the death of my grandmother, the unexpected (but never unwanted) pregnancy of my sister, and my conflict with the church in the coming months. In fact, November was the highlight of my senior year, which was riddled with fears and doubts and loss.

As I sat, praying and remembering I had to give thanks. A year ago, I lost my home. The place where all my memories took place, where my family grew up, and the place I returned to each and every night. I thought this would destroy me. Who can survive that kind of loss? This idea of home and security is kind of important to our existence. Now? I have a wonderful new home, where His name is praised and lifted high, where women and men come together and love each other in a way that is so genuine and so real, you cannot help but be amazed. A year ago, my heart felt shrunken and discouraged. It hardly felt like it was beating at all. Grief, anger, and terror weighed it down. Now my heart is thriving, it feels so large, at times, I don't believe my chest can contain it. It is free to soar, free to love, and free to be.

So where are you today? Are you in a place of great joy or great sorrow? Either way I urge you to look back, to find a time when things were different and remember that this is temporary. And then? As hard as it may be, go with Thanksgiving. Regardless of the circumstances of your life, God is faithful. Regardless of how it feels or what it looks like, God is good. And regardless of your desires, God is worthy. So remember and give thanks.

Step Fifty-Four: Shekinah

Dear Readers,

I have had the benefit, through the years, of having an amazingly intelligent and wonderfully incredible woman as my mentor. I had the privilege of learning from her this word: "shekinah" or, when translated, "the holy of holies." The idea behind it in the Old Testament is that it is in the inner-most part of the tent that was the dwelling place of the Lord when the Israelites wandered the desert awaiting their time to enter the Promised Land. It was where God was. It was where He dwelt. It is her belief that the "holy of holies" is now within us as believers. We are, after all, the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. I do not disagree with her but I would add something to her statement. I would assert that there is another part to this shekinah, a communal aspect. I would submit that true church is meant to be a new part of our shekinah.

I went to church last night, real church. I and my friend sat together in the middle of a basketball court and worshipped God. We worshipped Him with our laughter and with our tears. We worshipped Him in a way that was so authentic and genuine that words cannot even begin to describe.

We talked about love and what it meant to love someone. The choices we had to make but also the unity that intermingles with love. We also talked about hurt and pain. I have often considered myself to be a highly private person. Residing deep within, I keep my own sacred thoughts, those moments you treasure all to yourself, those words spoken for your ears alone to hear. Buried beneath these happier memories I keep the details of my wounds. The words that were spoken that pierced my heart, the dark memories that poison my soul. I realized, I hide these things because I am terrified of burdening someone else with them. I revealed this to my friend and she made a good point: if love is about unity then not allowing her to join me in this cemetery of wounds was not allowing love to be completed and as far as burdens go, love is never a burden, it is a joy. I allowed her to join me in my cemetery. I allowed her to hold me in my grief and sorrow. We both chose love last night. It was in that moment that I realized Jesus was there. He was sitting beside us. He had been the whole night. He laughed with us and He cried with us. This was the shekinah.

So here is my challenge: join somebody in their shekinah. Allow someone to join you in your cemetery of wounds. Choose love. And then after you have laughed and cried and existed wholly together, delight in His presence with you. Rest your heads together and smile for He is with you and that is exactly how life is meant to be lived.

Step Fifty-Three: Drawing in Delight

Dear Readers,

I was recently challenged by one of my professor's wives to study the bible by drawing. She suggested we pick a passage, read it and then draw the image that comes to mind. I thought she might be out of her mind, not all of us have the ability to draw. However, her point was not that we all practice drawing, it was that we should not be bored with our bible studies. If we, as Christians, truly love God then we also delight in Him and in spending time with Him, if the way that we are studying His word or the way that we are spending time with Him becomes a chore or bores you, you need to change it up. That is not to de-emphasize discipline. We still need to practice the discipline of spending time with Him, simply change the way you do it. There is no prescribed formula, no "right" answer, God is too vast to say that you can only pray to Him by silently thinking something. The truth is that when you grow weary or bored of spending time with Him then we are not truly spending time with God at all. God is not boring. He is full of splendor and joy, you cannot spend true time with him and be bored. You might come away angry, you might walk away boisterous, you might even walk away completely depressed, but you will not walk away saying "that was boring." So as much as I hated the idea of drawing, I delighted in the idea that God was meant to be captivating and, dare I say it, entertaining.

I decided to try it with Isaiah 62:3 "You will be a crown of splendor in the hand of you God, a royal diadem in the hand of the Lord." I drew this golden crown, unnaturally well, for me, with these huge amethyst jewels. It looked kind of lonely though. So I decided to write all the words that stood out to me as I read Isaiah 61 and 62. These are the words I wrote: delight, joy, beauty, daughter, holy, rejoice, blessed, savior, shines, splendor, restore, crown, justice, righteousness, redeemed, gladness, faithfulness, sanctuary, and praise. I thought about these words, dwelling on them and how they reflected on me and my relationship with my God. I decided then to write a poem using these words as their substance.

Blessed daughter,

you are redeemed

to your full splendor

through my faithfulness alone

I have restored you

made you my sanctuary

clothed in beauty, joy and praise

my light shines through you

my delight is in you

my holy crown rests upon you

rejoice with gladness

for through the savior

justice and righteousness

reign once more.

Holy Savior,

you have restored and redeemed me.

Justice tore your daughter away

but faithfulness pursued

for the joy set before you.

Splendor shines from

your beautiful crown.

Blessed be your sanctuary.

With gladness I will rejoice

because of your righteousness

I will sing your praises.

I will delight in you.

I delighted in writing this poem, I enjoyed it! It truly made me feel at peace with God. So my challenge to you is stop being bored. If you aren't getting anything out of your worship of God, then chances are you aren't really worshipping God, instead you are going through the motions. So switch it up. If you normally read chapters, choose a verse instead, if you normally pray silently write it down or draw it out. Challenge yourself. Find a way of delighting in His presence once more.

Step Fifty-Two: Universally Weak

Dear Readers,

I have my bed somewhat lofted, so that I have some storage space, a place for my dresser and then a hide-y hole. I also happen to keep my printer there for pluggage reasons. So today I crawled over the growing mound of dirty clothes (which usually spans across the entirety of my half and occasionally my room-mates) and into the hide-y hole to print a paper. One of my friends, watched me disappear beneath my bed and commented on the coolness of my hide out. I laughed and replied that it was pretty nifty and perfect for crying in (hey, don't judge me for crying in dark closed spaces). She frowned slightly and said "do you know where else is perfect for crying?" She patted her shoulder. Cheesiness aside, I would have tackle hugged her (except for the desk, dresser, and stinky heap between us). Intentionally or unintentionally, my friend reminded me of a lesson I seem to be incapable of remembering. She reminded me of the importance of being universally weak.

You see, we are all weak. And we all cry. Some of us choose to do it in dark closed spaces, others of us overcompensate, and still others of us pretend that the dribbling drops of hot salty water pouring down are face aren't tears at all. We are ashamed. We are embarrassed. But there is no reason to be! None of us are perfect and we are all too familiar with the racking sobs. We can hide these faults or blatantly and ignorantly ignore their existence, or we can use them for their original intention: to bring us into community with one another.

Think about this for a moment. As cheesy as the shoulder-to-cry-on image is, it is also very intimate. It is two people choosing to place themselves in a position of discomfort for the sake of another. The crier has to reveal what society demands is to be hidden forever, our weakness, our shame. The shoulder is not only choosing to be covered in snot (ew) but is choosing to enter into that most sacred place of grieving with the crier. They are binding themselves physically and emotionally to the crier so that the two become one. In essence, both are choosing trust and in doing so they are building community.

I know I have told you this before, and I will probably say it many times more because it is of that much importance. Community is everything. You cannot do life alone, but the beauty of community is that neither can they. So let us all learn to be like my precious friend. Let us learn to offer to join those in mourning, let us choose to trust and choose to build. Let us be universally weak so that we may become individually strong.

Step Fifty-One: Be Loved

Dear Readers,

I think to this point, the best part about college has been being completely engulfed in the love of my Father and the love of the women all around me.

To be surrounded by these girls has been one of the most uplifting and encouraging experiences I have ever had the pleasure of partaking in. They are full of words of encouragement and praise. They want nothing more than to speak words of adoration.

I have had so much fun with them. They challenge me to be a kid in ways I never thought possible. For example, today we had a power outage. I am terrified of the dark. A power outage is the worst imaginable scenario for me. But what do my lovely wing mates decide to do?! They take a flashlight into the pitch dark bathroom and start telling "ghost stories" (which, of course, really means we were all just cracking up in the bathroom). They brought me out of my initial fear and invited me to do something very childlike. It was awesome.

But all of their efforts would be worthless if I could not accept them. I had to learn how to open my heart to the girls in my wing, I had to choose to trust them. I had to choose to let them love me. I had to chose to be loved.

I'd be willing to bet that someone somewhere is trying to love on you. I challenge you to accept their love. To marvel and delight in it. To simply enjoy it. Because you are worthwhile. You are loveable. And people want to love you, so let them.

Step Fifty: Blessings Return

Dear Readers,

Today I was reminded of a very important lesson – blessings return.

We all know that college kids are poor. Even the ones who have jobs still only make minimum wage working minimum hours (no complaints here, though) and still have a bunch of expenses (books aren't cheap, and neither is tuition) so whenever and whatever we give is given with sacrifice. We are not widows who struggle for food, but we do understand the idea behind taking a leap of faith, trusting Him to provide even when we cannot see how.

Last week, I made an evaluation of my finances. I had just enough to cover my expenses until pay day. So long as I was frugal and cautious I would have no reason to fret. At this point, I started talking with a friend about an upcoming event going on at campus. As we were talking, God impressed it on my heart to give her money. I protested (its thinking back on moments like this that I am truly grateful that God values patience so highly). I argued that I only had enough to cover my expenses and if I gave money away then I wouldn't be able to pay them. As is typical when I argue with God, I lost. So off to the bank I went.

It was an amazing gift to give. Not only did it bind me ever closer to her sweet heart, but it also was an amazing act of worship. I knowingly and purposefully jumped off the edge of a cliff just to see what God would do. I thought it was an amazing thing to have been blessed by simply partaking in the process! I mean how cool is it that God would use me to make someone else smile?! Today I went to check my mail box, low and behold I had a letter containing a check with more than triple of that which I gave my friend. It was totally unexpected and completely mind-blowing.

Blessings return two fold, three fold, one-hundred and one-thousand fold. I was blessed first and foremost by partaking in God's process of loving another. I got to act on God's behalf, to offer on God's behalf, so that one of His own might know that they are loved (yes, I am talking to you now dear). Then, as if acting on behalf of the Creator of All isn't enough, He returned those finances.

So here is my advice, do not hesitate to bless others with what you have, for no deed and no gesture goes unnoticed by Him. He will never fail to return those blessings to you in quantities far exceeding your own capabilities!

Step Forty-Nine: Be Spontaneous

Dear Readers,

I am coming to accept that if you want to live a bold life, you have to be spontaneous. Now, don't get me wrong, I love plans. Plans are good. But if you cling so drastically to your plans that you do not allow for spontaneity, life will be boring. It just will be. So what does it mean to be spontaneous?

It means randomly doing something crazy and fun, like dying your hair pink! That's right, you are now taking advice from a pink haired college kid! On Thursday our R.A. was dying one of the girl's hair in the dorm red, she had left over bleach and a bunch of colors so a huge groups of us decided we wanted to dye our hair too! We started at mid-night and laughed ourselves into exhaustion until 3 in the morning! Crazy? Yes! Fun? Most definitely! If I had gone to bed, as I had planned, instead of saying "I'm gonna do it!" then my entire college experience would be completely different, but because I was able to scrap my original plan I had an amazing opportunity to get to know some amazing women!

But it also means randomly choosing to act in love. That means dropping everything to crawl into grass you are allergic to, to hold a friend who is crying. It means baking amazingly delicious cookies for a friend whose heart is breaking. It even means randomly delivering a princess wand to a beautiful woman who needs some inspiration. You see love is in its very own nature is spontaneous, it is not planned. When we cling to our plans, we limit our ability to love.

My challenge for you is to become aware. Opportunities for spontaneity are all around you, all you have to do is say "yes"!

Step Forty-Eight: Home

Dear Readers,

I am learning a lot at college. We're talking mass intake of Old Testament stories, Biological systems central to any living creature, the building of massive structures by ancient civilizations... but what I am learning most about is God. What I find most amazing is how God is redefining words, He is literally taking words out of the context with which I associated, knew and understood them and He is radically redefining them. Let me share a few examples:

Homework – up until this point, homework has been busy work. Especially in my honors courses. It was worksheets you were expected to do, that "guided" your learning but really was just a waste of time for both you and the teacher. Now, teachers assign reading. In fact the word homework is practically synonymous with the word reading (with the exception of the occasional paper).

Fruit – Coloradans don't know what good fruit is. It is a heart breaking fact. Fresh, ripe, delicious fruit does not exist in Colorado. I have a quickly expanding list of fruits that I adore here in California and I am so excited about that!

But these are both lighter examples, and much to our dismay, God rarely stays "light." God is about the heavy stuff. He deals with matters of the heart. And the heavy word we have been redefining? Home.

In part, this is an obvious word to redefine. I am 1000+ miles away from what I used to call home, obviously I am redefining "home." But it goes so far beyond that! The dictionary defines home as "the dwelling place" and lists words like "refuge" and "shelter" as synonyms. Home is a place of tremendous safety, at least it should be.

While attending Jessup, I have friends who have become my pseudo-parents. These friends have brought me into their home, adopted me into their family, and blessed me with their unconditional love. It has completely redefined the word "home" for me. It delights my heart to return home for the weekend to their house. It is amazing to have their children run to me in excitement, just wanting a hug. It is astounding to be delighted in as a child in my very own home.

But God has revealed to me another amazing thing about home. Home is not a noun, it's a verb. That is to say, "home" is not a location, it is a condition. It is a condition of your heart. When your heart rests, unfolding itself peacefully in the knowledge that all is well. When your heart begins to unveil its beauty naturally, willing to be delighted in by those around it. That is home. It is a place that goes with you wherever you go. There are places in the world that mirrors this condition, places that evoke you to feel at peace. There are people in the world who invite us into this condition with them, who invite us to unveil our beauty.

So this is my challenge to you, go home this week. Regardless of where you are, what home looks like for you personally, or your physical location. Go home. Entice your heart and the hearts of those around you to find peace. Invite them to reveal the beauty that is budding inside of them. I invite you to live from the condition of home this week. Live within peace and beauty and watch it radically change your life, you will not be disappointed.

Step Forty-Seven: Falling For Him

Dear Readers,

I want you to pause for a moment. To really sit still for a moment. I urge you to let your worries fade away and that growing list of to-dos to disappear for just a little bit. I want you to focus on something that made you happy today. Something that brought you joy. Keep this in the front of your mind as you read and consider what I have to say. Let that joy be the lens through which you are looking.

I was doing some reading for one of our bible classes and the book that I was reading was talking about what it means to know God. I thought it made an interesting point – it argued that anyone who was getting to know God's true spirit could not help but to fall in love with Him. I have really tried to let this thought govern my quiet times with God, tried to reflect on what that looks like for me.

God has done a lot of really cool things at Jessup on my behalf. It goes far beyond getting me here. God crafted this place and these classes perfectly for me! He shaped them that they might be the most ideal of plans! But what I love most is that He hasn't just worked out the major details, He has worked even the tiniest of details to His plans. Yes, God gave me the tuition money and the money for books and I praise and adore Him for that. But the thing that gives me butterflies and warms the deepest cockles of my heart is that He would place my room beside a streetlamp so that I might have a nightlight! He loves me so dearly and so deeply that He would go out of His way to give me something so trivial. That thought puts this ridiculous little smile on my face!

Now let's think back to that thing that made you happy? What does that tell you about God's tremendous love for you?! The truth is, I agree with my textbook's point. The more I get to know God, the more I search for His presence in my life, for those little moments when He has blessed my forehead with a soft kiss, the harder I fall for Him! He is so amazing!

So here is my challenge to you: get to know God. I urge you to deliberately look for His hand in your life. To seek out those quiet moments when God has placed a gentle kiss upon your hand. And when you have found them, I dare you to fall head over heels for Him. I dare you to let Him fill you with joy, making a silly smile come to your lips. I dare you to let Him make you fall for you every day over again (think Henry and Lucy in 50 First Dates).

Step Forty-Six: His Provision

Dear Readers,

I have a question for you. At first, it may come off as rhetorical or even sarcastic but I mean it genuinely. It is a question that only you can answer and your response to this question will dictate the path your life is to take.

Do you trust in His provision?

God provides. He does. Nothing in the universe, goes without His provision. Even the tiniest, most insignificant of the wild flowers is clothed in robes of glory. This is what the bible tells us. This is truth. But do you trust it? Do you trust that even in those moments when you can see nothing more and no possible options God will provide? When you begin to feel swallowed by the tremendous need in your life and your stomach churns at the thought of all that has to happen, do you believe that He will take care of you?

Lately, as I have watched God's plans for my coming year unfold, I have been able to see something truly amazing. There is no element, no single insignificant detail, no minuet thing that He has not taken care of. His hand is touching and guiding and smoothing the path that I am to walk, so that nothing remains uncertain. Just as clearly as He parted the Red Sea, so is He now parting the ocean of difficulties before me. By my ability, by my power, I have done nothing. God has taken care of everything, from books to room-mates, to another mama bear. He is my almighty provider but even more so, He is my Daddy. He isn't just providing for me, He is wrapping His provision in the most elegant of bows and handing me each one as my own special surprise. His eyes twinkle filled with mirth and mischief as I tear off the wrapping and giggle in delight. He loves me. And He loves providing for me.

So back to the original question: do you trust in His provision?

Step Forty-Five: By His Eyes

Dear Readers,

I have an insanely hard time seeing my inherent worth. I can see the value in my skills, in my abilities, but I struggle with seeing beyond them. Lately, it seems like, God is giving me a little lesson in sight.

As my time at Jessup quickly approaches, more and more people are stepping up to serve me through their generous gifts. I am honestly thinking that God is acting a little like a show off, a stud muffin! (Not that I am complaining!) You see, some of these people have met me and know a little of my story and my heart but most of the people who are acting so boldly (and kindly) in the Lord's name haven't ever met me. It is not for my actions or even for my heart that they are giving. The only possible explanation I have is that this is the Lord's doing. He is not just meeting my needs, He is flat out spoiling me, He is delighting in lavishing me in extravagant gifts. Like the Lilies of the Field, He is not with-holding an ounce of His magnificence. Though my time at Jessup will pass far quicker than I care to admit, He has spared no ounce of His beauty. He is clothing me as wonderfully as the wild flowers that bloom on grass knolls, though they will wilt in autumn's freeze. HE, my God and Savior, is delighting in me. In giving to me. And I can't see why.

I am ashamed to admit that even now, I dare not fight the lie that there is nothing more to me than my skills. I'm beautiful, but in that everyone-was-made-special-and-unique kind of way, which is to say I'm not really beautiful at all, I'm the exact same as everyone else because I am different. I don't actually believe myself to be beautiful, the walk-in-a-room-and-mouths-drop beautiful. And I cannot fight this because if I were to believe I am take-your-breath-away beautiful, I'd be vain. Instead, I settle for the "I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, we're all beautiful" schtick and let my skills make up for the physical beauty I lack. And my personality? Well there certainly couldn't be anything worthwhile in a quiet, introverted, logical, dreamer! I've allowed these thoughts to fuel my growing sense of fear that all I have to offer, all that I could possibly give, are my deeds. A very convenient belief for a girl trying to avoid facing a fundamental lie, but a very scary thought when you realize you are leaving everyone you love, that you will not be able to serve them any longer. As you can probably guess, this is all through my eyes but I am no longer my own, I am His. And it is by and through His eyes that I must start to see.

So what does He see? I am not ugly. I am beautiful. This is a fact. I am beautiful, not only because He created me, but because I am genuinely gorgeous! Whether I like it or not, boys do notice me. I am a stunning young woman. And as my heart starts to shrink away, wondering if this is too conceited to actually post, I feel His hand lifting my chin and I can hear Him whisper "there is no shame in truth." I am beautiful in the we-are-all-beautiful way. I belong to a wonderful and messy species called the human race and in its best and worst of times there is an underlying beauty haunting it. It is the image of God, shifting beneath the surface. But I am also beautiful in the only-you way. The Lord blessed me with a beauty all my own, a beauty that lives. And my personality? It is incredible. It is not the immediately charming, warm and open personality I so admire, but somewhere in the direct stubbornness and the tender meekness, I glow. I capture a side of the Lord that no one can even begin to understand. My friend would call me a "gem." She would call me "precious." And she is right. In His eyes, I am a rarity, a one of the kind, special design, special cut me. There is no element of me He does not love. Even my struggles speak in some way of my fall, my wounds, and my redemption. He is embedded even in my deepest scar. I was designed to play an irreplaceable role with the Lord, without me the story is not complete, without me He is not complete. My skills and ability aside, He is incomplete without me, without my personality, without my beauty.

So why is He delighting in me so obviously and with so much exorbitance? To remind me of my worth. To teach me to see and confess that which He sees. And simply because He is the Creator and He wants to. My sweet Savior honestly wants to love me and it is so freeing! I would highly recommend it! = )

Step Forty-Four: Always Fighting

Dear Readers,

I had a naive wish. I have struggled with cutting for the last 8 years. I had so hoped that once I left the environment I grew up in, I would also be leaving that struggle behind. I hoped that moving some place new, having a chance to be a new person, I could magically implement those coping mechanisms I have been learning for the last 6 years and I would never battle with cutting again. (I did say it was naive). It is so exhausting to fight without any end in sight, to fight when nothing ever appears to change, to fight even when you already feel beaten. I have always seen my battle with cutting as lost, I've already succumbed to it, I am a cutter. Just as there is no such thing as a "recovering alcoholic", there is no such thing as a "recovering cutter." Hidden away within this defeat, is one soul crushing lie: fighting is mute. When I begin to believe this lie, that is when I have truly lost.

True faith is this, that we act even when we are riddled by doubts. Beliefs are fleeting and emotions are temporary, it is our actions that will fill the pages of our lives. Whether I believe I have lost my battle with cutting or each temptation is a new battle waiting to be determined, my actions will dictate the person I become. I will choose to fight, not because I stand to lose or gain anything, but because when I read the story of my life to the Lord, I want my character to have been one that fought with all of her little heart. So I will choose to continue fighting in my battle with cutting, even as I lament it's continued presence in my life.

Step Forty-Three: Be Contradictory

Dear Readers,

Most of us have gone through something that has enabled us to feel two very contradictory things in one very short breath. It is very confusing. Today I have felt especially caught up in the stark differences abiding within my heart.

I am bursting with excitement! I am going to college!!! My dream college to boot! Already the Lord is preparing to surround me with some truly amazing people. My Resident Assisstant (R.A.) is so on fire for the Lord, it feels entirely infectious! She is full of joy and excitement at the thought of leading us girls–I cannot wait to just sit in her presence and listen to her heart! Oh the lessons I can imagine it sharing! I have visited once and already I have friends who are lifting me up in prayer and eagerly awaiting my arrival. I'm going to be studying the BIBLE! How could I not be excited?!

But I am also so very sad. I have a wonderful life here in the Rocky Mountains! It is truly a testament to the Lord! I am surrounded and filled with so much love and encouragement. I have amazing friends and mentors, all of whom I am preparing to leave. As much as I praise the Lord for the life I had, I also mourn my loss of it. It grieves my heart to imagine leaving these people who have been part of my daily life for years. How much sorrow it brings!

It is hard to exist in two such polar opposite emotions, to bounce from one extreme to the other, but in allowing myself to do so, I am fully feeling everything! No aspect of my joy and excitement goes uncelebrated, and no detail of my sorrow goes unseen. In living so completely within both worlds, I have come to accept that there is no joy unaccompanied by sorrow. They go hand in hand. When I am sad and fearful of being homesick, I am reminded of all the people and all of the places that have brought me love, support, comfort, and joy over the years and I rejoice in Him for them. My joy, in turn, is made even greater through my sorrows.

The truth is, I hate feeling so... bipolar. I love feeling stable and consistent! But stable? Consistent? Mono-polar? Those things just don't exist. Not in reality. We have to learn how to exist within the chaos of contradictions so that we may know life, and know it to the full. Be contradictory, you might learn something. = )

Step Forty-Two: Voicing Desires

Dear Readers,

I was taught that anything that made you vulnerable, made you weak, and weakness would not be tolerated. I grew up thinking that showing emotions, needing other people or things, expressing what you want, think or feel were all signs of great weakness, fatal weakness. I cannot say that doing any of these things make you strong, but I can say that all of these things are very human, and, though we try, we cannot outrun them.

I have spent the last few nights at a friends, sleeping better on their couch then I ever do in my own bed, waking up to find one of my favorite little boys eager to cuddle. It is a nice homey feeling. A feeling of being wanted, cherished, adored. A reminder of unconditional love. But all sleep overs must come to an end. So as I crawled into my own bed last night, wishing I could be curled up on their couch, I texted my friend. I told her that I wished I could be at their house for my morning snuggles. She responded with "Wish that too."

So here is my challenge: have desires and voice them! Voicing them doesn't mean you will get them, I woke up this morning in my own bed without an eager little boy waiting to say "Hi Lala!" But just speaking them, giving them validity, makes them so much better. It was no longer a secret wish that I felt shame for because it isn't the "normal" persons wish, instead it was one of those quiet bonds that united my friend and I because we shared the same wish, even if we could not control it. I cannot say that voicing your desires makes you a stronger person but it was worth it to me, is it worth it to you?

Step Forty-One: Get Bruised

Dear Readers,

It never ceases to be less mind blowing the many ways in which God teaches, that He might even use plain black tubes and a rocky river.

Today I went river tubing! Now, if you've ever crossed the threshold of Boulder Creek, you probably know that it is more boulder than it is creek. This creates some flippin' fantastic rapids (no really, flippin' as in you-will-be-flipping-out-of-your-tube) but it also leaves your butt pretty sore at the end of the day. It was a total blast! On my list of crazy fun things, this is definitely one of the top contenders. Somewhere between bruising my tailbone and icing it, God illustrated something He has been attempting to teach me for the past two months: bruises can be good.

I hate bruises. I think they are probably one of the worst minor injuries a person can get. For starters, they take forever to heal, then every time you touch it, bump it, brush it, you get this added sharp pain to remind you that it is there, and to make things worse they almost always look worse than they really are. But today as rock after rock added to my collection of bruises, I realized that river tubing was totally worth it! These were good bruises.

The truth is, not all bruises are physical. We have all sorts of emotional, mental, and spiritual bruises and as nice as it would be to go through life bruise free, we cannot. When Jesus said I came to give you life to the full, that included bruises. It included jumping into tubes, tubing down rapids, bruising your butt and hiking back up to do it again. So if you want to live bold, here is my advice: get bruised. Scream COW-A-BUNGA, and just go for it. Chances are it's worth the bruises, and it might even help you grow.

Step Forty: Shameless

Dear Readers,

Like most cutters, I have scars that crawl over my arms and legs. They are a testament to what I have done to myself. The older ones are nothing but thin white lines that disappear in the movement of my skin, these can only be found when you are searching for them. The newer ones, though, stand out as ugly, dark blemishes – tainting my flesh. From time to time, I find myself tracing my scars. Sometimes it is in desire and still others it is in disgust. Sometimes I am so ashamed of them, I want to cover them in foundation, hide them away from the world, so that no one will see what I have done to myself, so that no one will see what I have done to God. It is not easy baring your greatest weakness upon your arm, like a bright yellow post-it note inviting any and all who see to judge. It isn't easy to witness the looks of shock, pity, and disgust when people realize those scars are self-inflicted, or to look in the mirror and realize that you have marred your own beauty. 

Recently, I was holding my "adopted" baby brother. Watching him sleep in my scarred arms, the comparison was surreal. Here was new life, new hope, and a beautiful creation... cradled by death. In that moment, God spoke. He asked me if I liked our love story. Did I like that He had been my prince, swooped in and saved me from death's embrace? In the world of fairy tales, it doesn't get more awesome or romantic than that... white horsed princes riding in to save the day. Of course, I responded, how could I not? Then why are you ashamed? Those are not just scars, not just mistakes, they are our beginning. Our tale would not be the same without them. Our tale would not be OURS without them. 

My scars are ugly, but they tell the tale of my life and my love, like words etched into a page. I will (try to) have no shame. They were mistakes, every single one, and I am in no way condoning cutting. But all of us have mistakes, be they easily visible upon our arm, or hidden in the depths of our past. Too many of us are living in shame of those mistakes. That stops here and now. Each screw up, each mistake, is another chapter of our love story. It is another time the Lord was generous and merciful and continued to love, even in our lowliest state. There is no point in living in shame, not when we could be allowing that same mistake to bring glory to our Father. 

"... and she'll pray 'I want to fall in love with you.'" Jars of Clay "Love Song For a Savior" 

Step Thirty-Nine: Mentor

Dear Readers,

One of the most life fulfilling things I have ever had the opportunity to do is mentor young girls. Aside from being amazed and blessed by the girls, I have also found that in mentoring I have become a better mentee and disciple. 

Tonight I was talking to one of my mentees. I was telling her that sometimes there just aren't any words to be had, but that you have trust that everything is in God's very capable hands. As I said this, my heart flashed to my own life and the many circumstances that make me feel so...  unsteady. From sweet babies, to friends moving, to sad brothers... I want so badly to "help", "fix" or "protect" these things. In fact, I get so fixated on doing something that I forget that I am a how-to-for-dummies to God's Ph.D. Imagine, for instance you have a burst pipe in your plumbing causing a leaky faucet (by the way I don't claim any plumbing accuracy here). I can come along and replace the leaky faucet, but that won't fix the plumbing. But I get so fixated on that faucet, I keep God from replacing the burst pipe. Anyways thats a whole separate  blog on trusting God, the point of the story is that God uses us to communicate to us. I am a firm believer that those we mentor have as much to learn from us as we do from them. And, often times, in the process of loving and teaching them, we teach ourselves too. The truth is, God doesn't create parasitic relationships. Every person who comes into our lives has something to offer us. Even (and perhaps, especially) those we least expect it from. When we befriend, walk alongside, and mentor those people we open our hearts to what they have to say, what God wants to say through them. 

So be on the look out, let your heart be open to the messages God is sending you through the people in your life. You might be surprised. 

Step Thirty-Eight: When All Else Fails, Pray

Dear Readers,

You may not have noticed, but I think God is reminding me that I know far too little about prayer. Lately, I have felt beyond frustrated. I feel discouraged, lost... displaced. (Displaced, by the way, meaning obsolete, lacking, or forgotten). My heart is burdened by thoughts and emotions not mine to have. 

On more than one occasion, I have found myself hiding in a corner crying out. Begging for answers, help, miracles. I find myself comforting my screaming nephew, while feeling my own inconsolable heart beat. Even words, the life and blood of my soul, can't quite seem to capture the condition of my heart. Is it grief stricken? Weary? Despondent? My sweet friends have nothing left to offer me besides their prayers. Yes, they can hold me, they can advise me, but at the end of the day it is praying with them that fills my heart with hope as the morning sun fills the dawn sky. 

Prayer is the desperate man's saving grace. It holds more power than money, fame, or skill. It fills the hearts of the helpless, the hopeless, the worthless, and the lost. It offers comfort, solace, hope. It is a promise, a security blanket, a child's lullaby. It is a direct means of communicating with our Heavenly Father. When we pray in our weakness, in our helplessness, we become the crying woman whose tears, hair, and perfume anoint the feet of the Most Holy. So when all else fails, pray. It is the first and last resort. And to be perfectly honest, it is your only hope. 

STep Thirty-Seven: Loving In Action

Dear Readers,

Having recently been in the labor room with my sister and having witnessed the adjusting of two families to a new baby, I have come to an uh-duh realization. Love takes work. A lot of work. Let's start with the whole emotion of love thing. Some people automatically feel love, others need time to develop that bond. But move beyond the whole feeling love thing, I am talking about the act of loving.

After a baby's birth, there exists what I call "baby fever" where, for whatever reason, people are obsessed with this amoeba-like, boring but oddly cute kid. In this fever, people tend to forget the more functional version of humanity, pushing them aside... in other words, they are replaced. Now in a dysfunctional home, this replacing is never fully corrected and resentment and tension builds and builds. This, for the record, is not love to either the baby or the forgotten. In reality, it is a selfish desire to ogle, reminisce, and otherwise daydream without putting in any real time or effort. (That, by the way, is not meant to minimize a mother's exhaustion or to belittle the amount of work a newborn is.) In a healthy home, mom and dad fight for all of their kids. They make it known that all children are loved, cherished, and delighted in. They deliberately seek out time to spend together alone and as a family. Their day does not end until all needs have been met. This is a labor of love, that they wake for hungry babies, scared children, and still have enough energy in the morning to to get going.  In this love, they foster relationships between all and encourage growth as a family without sacrificing the heart of the individual. 

Love is hard work. It just is. Those who love, truly and selflessly love, work harder than any one. Love far exceeds emotions. It is a choice. A choice that must be made over and over. A choice to sacrifice that which is dear for the sake of another. A choice to continue when all others have stopped. Love is a mother's hugs that do not stop and a Father's pride that knows no end. From the dawn of time, from the creation of man, love has always been, and will always be, a choice. Just as God yearns for us to choose Him, we yearn to be chosen. 

So here it is, in simple english: put your love into action. Don't just say "I love you," let your love guide your actions and be your strength to endure. Let your heart grow and overflow with love; let your life be nothing less than a testament to that love you carry.

Step Thirty-Six: The Power of Prayer

Dear Readers, 

I am forever underestimating the power of prayer. I forget sometimes that prayer is anything but passive. Tonight God reminded me that prayer has power and then He blessed me by revealing that power.

Tonight was a worship night at church. Low key and understated. It truly was a night meant to connect and glorify the Lord. Somewhere between songs I took notice of my brother. He was laying on the floor, eyes open staring at the ceiling. Junior High and High School are tough, but when you look at my family's circumstances... well my brother he has it really tough. Lately he has grown more and more despondent. Watching my brother struggle with similar issues that I struggled with... I wanted to save him. I wanted to step between him and those struggles, to protect him. But this time, I could not. I could only sit back and bite my nails, hoping he would be okay. Watching him, I realized I had to let go, to step back. I had to move aside and entrust that God would take care of my little brother. I struggled with this idea. That is when one of my kind friends took note of me, she sat beside me and we talked. Her mantra was "all you can do is pray." She reminded me that prayer is not passive. It is the most powerful weapon in our arsenal. Together we prayed that my brother would have the desire to seek after the Lord, we prayed that the Lord would put a hedge of protection around him, that God would draw my brother in and show him the love he so desperately needs. We had no idea that God would be stirring in my brother's heart as well! Tonight my brother was saved!!!! He owned his faith and his flaws. His journey has only just begun, but it is beginning! 

It is human nature that we want to save those we love or fix what is going wrong. We get so caught up in physical action we forget to acknowledge two very important facts: 

1. We never had the ability to save or fix in the first place. If we did, we'd have no need for a Savior or a God. In fact, we were designed with the distinct inability to save so that we might fall on our knees, begging Him to come to us, to dwell within us. 
2. God does not hold out on us, or on our friends. Ever. I wrote this to my friend last night, I think it captures this point so perfectly:

   He does not hold out on us. He did not tell Eve she could not eat of the tree because He feared her becoming something great, He did not forbid her as a means of with-holding. He did it because He had better plans. He forbade her, not with the intention of making her miserable but with the idea of walking beside her in the Garden, flowers in bloom magnifying her beauty. His plan is for perfection. He is not holding out on you, He has held nothing back, but instead offered you everything He had. He created you, shaping you tenderly. When you were born he pursued you and protected you. Even as time after time after time, you slapped him, you walked away from him. He wooed you, He wrote you love letters, poetry – recording each moment within one of His most sacred offerings, His word. And when you betrayed Him and fell captive into enemy hands, He exchanged His own flesh and blood as a sacrifice so that you could once more sit at His side. He filled your heart and soul to the brim with His spirit, so that the two of you would never be apart again. He has offered you every aspect of His creation. The world is yours to enjoy, life is yours to enjoy. He has offered you direction and guidance, that you might not wonder into death's grasp. And now He is offering you His heart. Every tangible and intangible part of it. The part of it that tenderly grooms and clothes for each wild flower, the part of it that chases after you relentlessly, the part of it that adores orphans and widows, every part of it is yours.

   God loves us. He loves my brother more than I could ever even imagine loving someone. He shaped him, each muscle, tendon and nerve was carefully crafted. He has pursued my brother from before he was born. My desire to "save" my brother is child's play compared to the elaborate scheme the Lord has planned! 

Tonight I was reminded that prayer is powerful. It is a chance to speak to the Lord. We have authority in our prayers. No longer will I underestimate it. 

Step Thirty-Five: Just Go For It

Dear Readers,

In the aforementioned box of sentimental things, I found a small yellow piece of scrap paper. Scrawled in almost legible print is the number of one of my three mama bears, given to me by her husband at what attendees affectionately called "Dirt Camp." I had mentioned to him how I didn't like how sunshine and lollipops my mama bear was, realizing that I had the wrong impression of her, he urged me to call or email her. When I showed the two of them this piece of paper, my papa bear made a remark that got me thinking, he said "I had no idea what that would turn in to." What he meant by that was 5 years earlier he could not imagine that I would have become their adopted daughter, lived with them for a month, or, on that particular night, be celebrating Father's Day with and for him. 

The more I think about my life, the more I realize that it is one "I had no idea it would turn into this" after another. My life is composed with a tiny million yellow slips of paper – opportunity. Some lost, some fully taken advantage of, and still others undetermined, as of yet. For example, who knew that in deciding to look at a website I'd end up at the school of my dreams ? Or that in telling one semi-stranger in an email that I like her for her lack of professional signature and her use of "lots o' love" that I would find one quirky mentor and two adorable princesses? Or that in saying yes to an invitation to attend a church my entire life would change? I certainly didn't. God is quirky that way. His timing is His entirely. He uses yellow scrap paper, elevator hokey pokies, old folk's nail polish and McDonald's to build our lives. Puzzle piece by puzzle piece, it is chaos randomly colliding. Pieced together, though, they play the harmony of our life and there is no sweeter tune! 

So here's my borderline cliche advice: you only live life once, so just go for it. Worst comes to worst, you chalk it up as a failed attempt and use it to plan your next adventure. But if it works, you could find yourself saying "I had no idea it would turn into this!" God's handed you more yellow slips than you could possibly imagine, but it's up to you to dial the number. 

Step Thirty-Four: Community

Dear Readers, 

Recently, I was going through a box of keep sakes. Old thank you notes, pictures, birthday cards. Sentimental little things. I came across this sun faded sign and like a Will Smith song brings you old people back to the 80's, I was flashing back to junior high. = ) 

In faded maroon and once-plum-purple, folded into thirds, is written the simple words "We love you Leela!" Two of my closest, and goofiest, friends made this sign for me one afternoon when they were hanging out and I was feeling especially blue. They then proceeded to take photos of themselves holding the sign making silly faces, which they promptly emailed to me. Before I moved, I kept this sign hanging on my wall, a constant reminder of the friendship we shared. It is one of the two memories that moves me to tears, even to this day. 

The second memory is this: I went with most of my small group and my church to Kansas for my first summer camp. While we were there a junior high boy from a school that some of my friends attended died. I was flooded by memories of my own friend's suicide. Of the hurt and loss. That night, lying in our tents, "sleeping" two of the girls pulled out a flashlight and together we put on an amazing shadow show. This, of course, rendered us into a state of giddiness that, if I remember correctly, ended with us half quacking, half snorting in our sleeping bags. 

These girls, along with our other small group mates, were the first to teach me one of the most important lesson I've learned: it's all about community. Things are in perpetual motion. They are always changing. Even our relationships with people will change. But, like the eye of a storm, God provides us with a refuge. A place where the whirlwinds of change surround us and yet we remain untouched. It is within our community. We cannot do life without a community, they carry us when we cannot walk, they laugh with us when all we've left is tears, they lift us up in prayers when we cannot even find the strength to kneel, they love us when we cannot find ourselves worthy of loving. And most importantly, they show us God. They represent his unconditional love, they model His desire for a relationship, and they act as His tools filling our needs. Your community will change, it will grow and shrink, ebb and flow, but do not let it disappear. They are a life line, a modified circle of life and, ultimately, happiness is unachievable without them. 

To my first small group: thank you and I love you. = ) 

Step Thirty-Three: Take a Detour or Two

Dear Readers,

When facing change I find myself doing the same thing: reflecting. I ask myself how I got to this point. I ask myself what detours I took to get to these exact cross roads. As I am preparing for college, preparing to go out on my own for the first time, I find myself thinking about how I got here. It is a strange and squiggly path, but then anyone attempting to get from suicide to life that is rich and full of color and passion probably has to walk a strange and squiggly path. 

I look at the bends in my path, the curves, the times I failed or succumbed. The times I walked backwards rather than forwards. The times I was so lost I just quit walking. Each of these mistakes, each miscalculation, is a detour. So why would I advise you to get lost, to screw up? Because inevitably human nature dictates that you will, and when you do, I want you to see those detours and to realize you have an amazing opportunity in front of you. You can forever alter the path you are taking. You can take a whole new one. What freedom! In getting lost, in screwing up, we can be made anew! We can be redeemed! 

Most of my life I spent traveling towards an early death. Cutting before I was in junior high, suicidal by the time I did enter junior high. Oh yes. This was the path I was walking. It took a failed suicide attempt before I chose to follow a different path. I had to fail to find life. 

So are you facing detours? Is your life not going as planned? That's okay! Frustrating? Yes, but still okay. Use this moment to rewrite it. Use it to find a new path or even just to correct the one you're walking. Remember, failure and mistakes are not the end all to be all, sometimes they are even life giving. This is my prayer for you all, that when you find that detour, when you realize you have failed or that you are discontent you will use it to make things better, for yourself and for those whom your life touches. 

Step Thirty-Two: Name Your Fears

Dear Readers,

I struggle with fear. To some degree, all people struggle with fear. Fear, I believe, is extremely confusing. There are good fears, bad fears, serious fears, trivial fears, adrenaline-induced fears, and outright paralyzing fears. There are fears to work through and fears that ought to be heeded and to be perfectly honest I never know which is which. Lately, I've dealt with a lot of change. Now if I were to say I had a "worst fear" it would be change. Change does not sit well with my heart. Even good change causes my heart to go into a tizzy of worries. What I have learned is that naming my fears really helps me to figure it out. Why? Because before you can name your fears you must get to know them, intimately.

Imagine yourself as a little kid, lying in your dark room, trying to fall back asleep, when you hear a bump in the night. Some small tiny insignificant sound that escapes your attention during the day time, but now it has captured your attention, drawing you in and keeping your ears attentive and straining. Why are you listening so intently? Because you don't know what made that sound. There is literally a physiological thing happening in your body. Because you cannot identify this noise you also cannot assess it's threat level and the alertness in your body, the thudding heart, the fast breathing, the franticly racing mind are all physiological ways for your body to prepare to fight or flee.  Psychology aside, you are laying there in this stage of anxiety wondering what made this noise and you have a choice. Choice one: you can pull the blankets above your head and lay wide eyed beneath the covers wondering if some hideous thing is going to touch you at any moment. Choice two: you can slip out from beneath your covers, make a dash for the lamp, and begin to investigate. 

Change is my bump in the night. My body is entirely alert. God is saying "so what will it be, you have to make this decision, I will not make it for you." I have the choice to flee from (most of) my change. I could choose not to go to college, choose not to move away. I could pull the covers back over my head then I would spend the rest of my life wondering. I would be in a state of terror wondering when I'd hear the next bump and if this time it would be closer. But something tells me that if I chose this option, there would be no dawn. No hope for relief from the fears that bombard me. That is a very safe option. A very change free option. But it also sounds miserable! So option two, I could turn on the lights and begin to investigate. I could take a risk and dash across the country. It will cost me thousands of dollars, four years, and endless prayers all to see if this change-college thing isn't so bad. Oh there is risk involved. I could discover I hate it. I might decide that college isn't my thing and I want to attend a beauty parlor. But I could also discover I love it and that as hard as it is, I would not trade it for the world. Despite whatever I feel about this change in the end, I have to get to know it, I have to live it, I have to exist intimately within it. After I've done this, I can name that bump and I can return to bed knowing that no hideous monster awaits my inattention. I can find peace within my fear.

God calls us to have no fear. This makes zero sense to me. We are human, we can't not be afraid. But lately God has been revealing something to me. God isn't calling us to magically pop into existence without fear burdening our hearts. He's calling us to name our fears, to live with them in such a personal and intimate way that we cease to fear them, that we may find peace within them. He calls us to live in such a way that we must depend on Him to provide us strength and endurance, to keep us going when our human selves have failed, a way that brings us on our knees before Him. Then He will carry us victoriously to dawn so that we may say "good morning." 

It is not easy and more often than not, I mess it up but the hope I have for the morning sustains me and encourages me. One day (not necessarily one day soon but one day) I will have my dawn!

Step Thirty One: Don't Hold Anything Back

Dear Readers, 

I was riding home with a friend and her almost three year old daughter, Pocohantas blaring in the background, talking, when I realized I had found my newest blog post. 

We had spent the day together and I had seen her diffuse arguments, respond with endless patience, blast disney princess and veggie tale songs while singing along. I watched her prepare lunch, dinner, and hold a screaming child and on the way home while she and her daughter are singing some goofy song about fashion being more than just the clothes you wear. I could not help saying "you are an amazing mom!" (Because she is!) She laughed and thanked me for saying so, her usual modest response. But it got us talking about my future and Jessup and how while both of us are super excited for the change the actual implementation and the distance terrify us, so we aren't thinking about it. Perhaps she sprinkled a dash of boldness in my mashed potatoes (which were delicious) but once more I just said what was on my mind, " I need you." This lead us to a discussion on the awesomeness of God. (Don't try and find logic in our conversations, we aren't really the logical type... they don't really flow or fit together... they just kind of are). I said something that I realized should be the next step to living bold. 

God loves so freely, He holds nothing back. He never worries that He will overwhelm us with His emotions, or that we will not be able to handle it. His thoughts, feelings, heart, mind and soul are all out on the table. This is the way I want to live my life. I don't want to hold anything back. I want to lay it all on the line. Telling my friend she is a great mom is a perfect example. Normally, I would worry that she would take it the wrong way or be overwhelmed by my affection for her. Telling her I need her – that is totally taboo. I don't "need" anyone out loud. But telling her was totally worthwhile. It was intense and I wasn't sure how she would react, but it made her smile. I like to think it in some way affirmed her heart, encouraged her. (Mind you, I haven't actually asked her, so this is me assuming). 

I know that living without holding back will take time and practice, but even knowing that I have made a choice in taking a step in that direction is absolutely freeing. Now I'm not saying you should say the first thing that pops into your mind because often times we think stupid things we don't mean, but when it comes to matters of the heart, matters we have thought out and know are not going to change we should express those. We should allow our love to shape itself after our Lord's. Hold nothing back. Lay it all on the line. Rejection is a possibility. Actually, rejection is a reality, but you might also be surprised by people's responses. Sometimes, they need you too. = ) 

My thought for tonight. Hopefully my sweet friend doesn't mind my using her as inspiration. Love you dearly friend! 

Step Thirty: Living in Gratitude

Dear Readers,

Lately, I have been writing a lot of thank you notes. With graduation and influential teachers not to mention helping my sister write her baby shower thank you notes. It wasn't until tonight when I was writing thank you notes to a few very special people that it truly dawned on me: I have a lot to be grateful for! I always hated the phrase "count your blessings" because I thought 1. how cliche is that and 2. not all of us are such optimists but now I'm starting to think that maybe its on to something and it just needs to be rephrased. So here is my rephrasing – live in gratitude. 

God has absolutely spoiled me! There is such abundance in my life! I am surrounded and engulfed by people who adore me. He has met and exceeded my every need. He has given me people who amaze me, more "things" than I could ever use, and more experiences than I could ever have want of. He has provided me ample opportunity to learn life's lessons and the intellect to process such lessons. He has lead me to my dream school and worked miracles in getting me there. And I have more families than most people have friends. As I am writing these thank you notes, I cannot help but to be grateful, to remember all the blessings that are embedded in my life. The more I remember, the more grateful I become until I find myself even grateful that two of the most important people in my life are pregnant and therefore crazy. (No, really.) 

However, I also see that other people are struggling. Close friends of mine are struggling. I do not believe that they have been less blessed, that they have less to be grateful for. Nor do I believe that they aren't trying to look at it the right way or from the right perspective. I see my own struggles and complaints. Even in the midst of all this goodness, I still struggle, I still don't enjoy the fact that I have two very pregnant ladies who are crazy. But I still am living in gratitude. 

You see, when I hear "count your blessings"  what I really hear is "yeah, yeah, yeah – so you got it tough, look at the bright side and just ignore all the other crap." I believe it is some kind of unspoken connotation. That, my friends, is not counting your blessings, nor is it living in gratitude. People mistakenly believe that liking something and being grateful for something have to go hand in hand. As if we are only grateful for a gift if it is something we want. But this shouldn't be the case at all. Gratitude should be felt and expressed for all sweaters, the awesome cashmere ones that make us look awesome as well as the hideous from-the-thrift-store-for-two-dollars ones. Gratitude occurs when we realize that regardless of results, someone had the intention of blessing us, of loving us. It is born when our hearts realize that someone has thought of us, specifically. 

So how do you live in gratitude? The reality is, I only know of one way. We become grateful when we dwell within the Lord's heart. From this place we can experience the ups (like graduation) and the downs (like relinquished dreams) while living in gratitude. As our hearts intertwine themselves with the Lord's, we begin to see how He wants us to see. We begin to accept that all experiences have their purpose. Ultimately, in living with the Lord, our heart grows and in that growth we become more and more aware of all that we have been given. 

So count your blessings or live in gratitude, it's a content place of existence. 

Step Twenty-Nine: Subtle Love

Dear Readers,

Love. This is an interesting and often cheesy subject, one that can certainly not be discussed in depth in a single entry. This is just one face of a many facetted jewel. 

What is love? This is a very broad question but I like thinking about the bigger picture. What is a love story? The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Romeo and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, Pocohantas... yes. These are all fantastic stories of lovers. But are there other love stories? What about Friends, My Sister's Keeper, Harry Potter, Eragon, or The Blind Side? We love our spouses, we love our friends, families, siblings, children, parents, teachers, mentors. We even love our pets. Love permeates our society, even as evil and hatred seem to prevail. Love is a culture's blood, it binds them, makes them stronger. But it is also subtle. Like our own blood, it moves beneath the surface, mostly forgotten. We become aware of this blood when it comes gushing out, perhaps when our own heart's are broken and wounded, other times when we are in the midst of celebration, and still other's when we become excited and we feel our heart's throbbing with excitement and the blood rushing to our head. 

I tried to find a definition of love. Tried to find some means to explain or control it. At first, I thought "love is an emotion, a feeling" but is that love? There is a quote from The Good Wife that got me thinking that love isn't always an emotion, Alicia says "reciting poetry is easy, it's parent teacher conferences that are hard." Feelings are fleeting and temporary. So then I thought "love must be an action then." Yes we do indeed show our love through actions, whether we have baked our friend a birthday cake, held children as they cry, or made soup for our sick grandmother. I cannot deny that both action and feeling must both be a part of love. James said show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith through my actions. Is it not the same for love? If you claim to love someone, but never act through your love, do you really love them? But what about this love? What of the love that occurs between a missionary and the orphans they teach? What of the love that occurs between soldiers? What of the love between a stranger holding open a door? Of two people working together for a cause? I guess I came to the conclusion that I have no definition for love but that doesn't stop us from knowing it, from recognizing it, when we look for it. 

This brings us to our point. Love surrounds us, it enfolds us. Both the love of our friends and the love of our God. There is no escaping it. But it is subtle. It moves beneath the surfaces of our relationships. We must open our eyes to see it. So start looking. 

Step Twenty-Eight: A Pessimist's Gift

Dear Reader,

In order to understand this blog, you must understand two things about me. The first is that I tend to be more of a pessimist. I approach all situations looking for that which is flawed, after I've identified those flaws I am usually able to move forward and experience that which is good in a situation. I also have a tendency of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see what will go wrong next. Now the second thing is a bit of a paradox. I have the gift of encouragement. Have you ever heard of an encouraging pessimist? I haven't either. Once more, I find myself astounded by the fact that God truly does have a sense of humor, but I don't just think God made me an encouraging pessimist to be the butt of a joke. I believe that God has bigger things in mind.

For starters, I believe the existence of such paradoxes are evidence of Him. Think about it. God and the world exist on parallel fields. If it does not belong to God, it belongs to the world. If it does not belong to the world, it belongs to God. (It is imperative that you understand that the Devil governs the world). If things went according to the "natural" or "normal" way (meaning that I would either be a discouraging pessimist or an encouraging optimist), we can assume that this is the way of the world. So when the "abnormal" comes along (a discouraging optimist or an encouraging pessimist), we can also assume that this is evidence of some outside force which influences us, forcing us away from our original states of being. (Think of metals, their natural state of being is not in the shape of a car. Some outside force had to come along and shape it to be a car). But, alas, God does not need me to prove His existence. Perhaps there is a far more personal reason for such paradoxes...

I believe that people are usually some combination of their environment and their own personal growth. My pessimism is undoubtedly a product of the life experiences I have experienced and the techniques I've seen used in these experiences. My gift of encouragement is probably a testament to the growth the Lord has done in me and my own choices in allowing and obeying Him. The interesting thing, though, is that many times I feel that my pessimism does not hinder my encouragement, rather it strengthens it. As if, having lived in discouragement, it gives my words merit and strength. 

Anyways, the point of this blog entry: life is full of paradoxes. Look for them, see what you can learn from them. Take their lessons and live them out. Let them fill your life to the brim with all that is good and joyful, because that is the only life worth living.