Years and years ago I asked a friend to recommend a good book. I can't remember if it was a good book in general or a good book for a bible study but she recommended Hinds Feet on High Places. Now, when I first read the book I absolutely hated it. I seem to do this with a lot of good-for-your-soul-makes-ya-think books. I hate them at first and then God uses them and upon returning to them I fall in love with them. Hinds Feet on High Places tells the story of how Much Afraid comes to join the Good Shepard in the High Places. Thinking back on it, I don't honestly know why I hated it because I realize now - THAT IS MY STORY! Now, of course, I've re-read the book a hundred times and read it to myself (and to friends) to find comfort.
In the book, Much Afraid is joined by Suffering and Sorrow to be her traveling companions. The powerful, loving Shepard plants a thorn in Much Afraid's heart (a seed of love to come) and then sends her into the desert with Suffering and Sorrow. Now I don't know about most of you but I objected, strongly. What kind of love is that?! You can excuse it as making her stronger (which they do), you can justify it as being a necessary act of discipline (which it was), you can even explain it away by saying God's ways are above ours (which it is). Even with all those, I still can't say I understand that to be the action of a loving God. A loving God does not wound His daughter and send her into the desert miserable and lonely.
And then I came to the only conclusion I could - God is a God of suffering and sorrow. Now before you fear He smites me while I write, let me say that I have a deep love for the Lord. I believe that He is a good and loving father who works for the good of those who love Him. Praises could flow from my mouth to fill the ocean and still would not be praise enough to declare the greatness of God! In fact, I truly believe that God being a God of suffering doesn't take away from Him but adds to His greatness! A loving Father doesn't allow His daughter to wonder the desert wounded with strangers. He goes with us. I believe the greatest gift of Jesus's sacrifice is that God may become the very embodiment of suffering and sorrow. He who is whiter than white, purer and pure, He whose very presence cleanses becomes one of the stickiest, messiest, and darkest parts of humanity. He who sits on Holy Throne is able to dwell within the mire of the Earth and that, my friends, is grace.
I've encountered grace many of times but I have never grasped the depth of grace (and never really will). This summer I got to glimpse the depths of His grace in MY life. In the process of spring cleaning my soul, God has brought back up some memories. Memories of things I've done and things I've been wronged by. Memories that have shaken me to my core, made me question everything I am. Burdened by these memories, I asked God to reveal himself. He did. He stepped into my darkest moment, the worst of my bad memories, and He touched me.
Imagine you at your absolute worst. Those moments when you feel absolutely disgusting. When you look at yourself and what you've done and you feel like throwing up. Imagine the moment that makes you feel the most ashamed, the most defiled. That moment you probably haven't ever told anyone else about (if you can help it). Imagine yourself there and then picture the Holy of holies touching you. Imagine His hands holding your head, His pure and holy lips kissing your forehead, you whose soul is naught but tar. This is what I felt. In a moment when I felt so absolutely disgusting I was POSITIVE that no one could ever even look at me again... in a moment when watching my own memory made me feel like crawling out of my own flesh to escape myself... God is holding me.
A good God does not touch the violated. A good God does not bridge the chasm between the blameless and the faulty. In fact, by his very nature, a good God cannot be anything but good. Thankfully, God is no where near as fond of that adjective as humans are. God is God. He is the "I am." He is not limited to good. He, in the nature of being, may travel with us through all things. He may be Suffering and Sorrow for us.
And so, I believe, God walks with us. It isn't about His being a good God. That was never His intention. I do not believe God ever aimed for winning the number one God award, I don't even know that He minds when we're angry with Him. I think His goal from day one has been simply to be with us. In moments of great joy and in moments of great sorrow. He is a God who pursues. He is our constant traveling companion, even in the desert when we feel the most deserted.
