Step Forty-Three: Be Contradictory

Dear Readers,

Most of us have gone through something that has enabled us to feel two very contradictory things in one very short breath. It is very confusing. Today I have felt especially caught up in the stark differences abiding within my heart.

I am bursting with excitement! I am going to college!!! My dream college to boot! Already the Lord is preparing to surround me with some truly amazing people. My Resident Assisstant (R.A.) is so on fire for the Lord, it feels entirely infectious! She is full of joy and excitement at the thought of leading us girls–I cannot wait to just sit in her presence and listen to her heart! Oh the lessons I can imagine it sharing! I have visited once and already I have friends who are lifting me up in prayer and eagerly awaiting my arrival. I'm going to be studying the BIBLE! How could I not be excited?!

But I am also so very sad. I have a wonderful life here in the Rocky Mountains! It is truly a testament to the Lord! I am surrounded and filled with so much love and encouragement. I have amazing friends and mentors, all of whom I am preparing to leave. As much as I praise the Lord for the life I had, I also mourn my loss of it. It grieves my heart to imagine leaving these people who have been part of my daily life for years. How much sorrow it brings!

It is hard to exist in two such polar opposite emotions, to bounce from one extreme to the other, but in allowing myself to do so, I am fully feeling everything! No aspect of my joy and excitement goes uncelebrated, and no detail of my sorrow goes unseen. In living so completely within both worlds, I have come to accept that there is no joy unaccompanied by sorrow. They go hand in hand. When I am sad and fearful of being homesick, I am reminded of all the people and all of the places that have brought me love, support, comfort, and joy over the years and I rejoice in Him for them. My joy, in turn, is made even greater through my sorrows.

The truth is, I hate feeling so... bipolar. I love feeling stable and consistent! But stable? Consistent? Mono-polar? Those things just don't exist. Not in reality. We have to learn how to exist within the chaos of contradictions so that we may know life, and know it to the full. Be contradictory, you might learn something. = )

Step Forty-Two: Voicing Desires

Dear Readers,

I was taught that anything that made you vulnerable, made you weak, and weakness would not be tolerated. I grew up thinking that showing emotions, needing other people or things, expressing what you want, think or feel were all signs of great weakness, fatal weakness. I cannot say that doing any of these things make you strong, but I can say that all of these things are very human, and, though we try, we cannot outrun them.

I have spent the last few nights at a friends, sleeping better on their couch then I ever do in my own bed, waking up to find one of my favorite little boys eager to cuddle. It is a nice homey feeling. A feeling of being wanted, cherished, adored. A reminder of unconditional love. But all sleep overs must come to an end. So as I crawled into my own bed last night, wishing I could be curled up on their couch, I texted my friend. I told her that I wished I could be at their house for my morning snuggles. She responded with "Wish that too."

So here is my challenge: have desires and voice them! Voicing them doesn't mean you will get them, I woke up this morning in my own bed without an eager little boy waiting to say "Hi Lala!" But just speaking them, giving them validity, makes them so much better. It was no longer a secret wish that I felt shame for because it isn't the "normal" persons wish, instead it was one of those quiet bonds that united my friend and I because we shared the same wish, even if we could not control it. I cannot say that voicing your desires makes you a stronger person but it was worth it to me, is it worth it to you?

Step Forty-One: Get Bruised

Dear Readers,

It never ceases to be less mind blowing the many ways in which God teaches, that He might even use plain black tubes and a rocky river.

Today I went river tubing! Now, if you've ever crossed the threshold of Boulder Creek, you probably know that it is more boulder than it is creek. This creates some flippin' fantastic rapids (no really, flippin' as in you-will-be-flipping-out-of-your-tube) but it also leaves your butt pretty sore at the end of the day. It was a total blast! On my list of crazy fun things, this is definitely one of the top contenders. Somewhere between bruising my tailbone and icing it, God illustrated something He has been attempting to teach me for the past two months: bruises can be good.

I hate bruises. I think they are probably one of the worst minor injuries a person can get. For starters, they take forever to heal, then every time you touch it, bump it, brush it, you get this added sharp pain to remind you that it is there, and to make things worse they almost always look worse than they really are. But today as rock after rock added to my collection of bruises, I realized that river tubing was totally worth it! These were good bruises.

The truth is, not all bruises are physical. We have all sorts of emotional, mental, and spiritual bruises and as nice as it would be to go through life bruise free, we cannot. When Jesus said I came to give you life to the full, that included bruises. It included jumping into tubes, tubing down rapids, bruising your butt and hiking back up to do it again. So if you want to live bold, here is my advice: get bruised. Scream COW-A-BUNGA, and just go for it. Chances are it's worth the bruises, and it might even help you grow.

Step Forty: Shameless

Dear Readers,

Like most cutters, I have scars that crawl over my arms and legs. They are a testament to what I have done to myself. The older ones are nothing but thin white lines that disappear in the movement of my skin, these can only be found when you are searching for them. The newer ones, though, stand out as ugly, dark blemishes – tainting my flesh. From time to time, I find myself tracing my scars. Sometimes it is in desire and still others it is in disgust. Sometimes I am so ashamed of them, I want to cover them in foundation, hide them away from the world, so that no one will see what I have done to myself, so that no one will see what I have done to God. It is not easy baring your greatest weakness upon your arm, like a bright yellow post-it note inviting any and all who see to judge. It isn't easy to witness the looks of shock, pity, and disgust when people realize those scars are self-inflicted, or to look in the mirror and realize that you have marred your own beauty. 

Recently, I was holding my "adopted" baby brother. Watching him sleep in my scarred arms, the comparison was surreal. Here was new life, new hope, and a beautiful creation... cradled by death. In that moment, God spoke. He asked me if I liked our love story. Did I like that He had been my prince, swooped in and saved me from death's embrace? In the world of fairy tales, it doesn't get more awesome or romantic than that... white horsed princes riding in to save the day. Of course, I responded, how could I not? Then why are you ashamed? Those are not just scars, not just mistakes, they are our beginning. Our tale would not be the same without them. Our tale would not be OURS without them. 

My scars are ugly, but they tell the tale of my life and my love, like words etched into a page. I will (try to) have no shame. They were mistakes, every single one, and I am in no way condoning cutting. But all of us have mistakes, be they easily visible upon our arm, or hidden in the depths of our past. Too many of us are living in shame of those mistakes. That stops here and now. Each screw up, each mistake, is another chapter of our love story. It is another time the Lord was generous and merciful and continued to love, even in our lowliest state. There is no point in living in shame, not when we could be allowing that same mistake to bring glory to our Father. 

"... and she'll pray 'I want to fall in love with you.'" Jars of Clay "Love Song For a Savior" 

Step Thirty-Nine: Mentor

Dear Readers,

One of the most life fulfilling things I have ever had the opportunity to do is mentor young girls. Aside from being amazed and blessed by the girls, I have also found that in mentoring I have become a better mentee and disciple. 

Tonight I was talking to one of my mentees. I was telling her that sometimes there just aren't any words to be had, but that you have trust that everything is in God's very capable hands. As I said this, my heart flashed to my own life and the many circumstances that make me feel so...  unsteady. From sweet babies, to friends moving, to sad brothers... I want so badly to "help", "fix" or "protect" these things. In fact, I get so fixated on doing something that I forget that I am a how-to-for-dummies to God's Ph.D. Imagine, for instance you have a burst pipe in your plumbing causing a leaky faucet (by the way I don't claim any plumbing accuracy here). I can come along and replace the leaky faucet, but that won't fix the plumbing. But I get so fixated on that faucet, I keep God from replacing the burst pipe. Anyways thats a whole separate  blog on trusting God, the point of the story is that God uses us to communicate to us. I am a firm believer that those we mentor have as much to learn from us as we do from them. And, often times, in the process of loving and teaching them, we teach ourselves too. The truth is, God doesn't create parasitic relationships. Every person who comes into our lives has something to offer us. Even (and perhaps, especially) those we least expect it from. When we befriend, walk alongside, and mentor those people we open our hearts to what they have to say, what God wants to say through them. 

So be on the look out, let your heart be open to the messages God is sending you through the people in your life. You might be surprised.