Step Eighteen: Enjoy Yourself

Dear Readers,

It actually saddens my heart to realize that isn't an uh-duh posting, to understand that there is an evil beast existing within the world called self-loathing. It saddens me that just last night, I was talking about my own self-loathing. Did you know that 80% of what we think about ourselves is negative. 80%... wow. Just, wow - and this is just the average! Do we really believe ourselves to be so worthless and horrible that the mass majority of our thoughts are condemning?


I was on the phone with a friend of mine and we were talking about the whole old-self/new-self concept. I, being the somewhat corney person I am, confessed that I felt like Spiderman in Spiderman 3 where he is in the bell tower just trying to get the black goop off of him and he is pulling and pulling and it just keeps coming back. This reminded her of a passage from C.S. Lewis's Voyage of the Dawn Treader and so she started to read to me. (By the way, if you haven't read The Chronicles of Narnia you need to). This passage talked about Eustace turning back into a human after being turned into a dragon. I'll leave it to you to find the passage and pull from it what you will, instead I will merely relay a part of what I learned. There is one line in which Aslan tells Eustace that he (Eustace) must allow him (Aslan) to pull the skin off of him, that struck me. I thought about what it looks like for a parent to change a diaper, while it is positively disgusting, it is also very loving. In fact, I can think of only two reasons I have ever changed a diaper - money and love. I think about Aslan as he is digging his claws into Eustace's hide, as he pulls it back... it is disgusting and it is messy but it is also very tender. Aslan is stripping Eustace of the waste that is causing him such distress, waste that ultimately results in death (or diaper rash). Aslan is sacrificing his own personal comfort to clean Eustace, and he offers it so openly, so willingly. Such a simple act but such an act of love! Why did Aslan do this? Eustace was a spoiled and rotten little boy and quite frankly there was nothing that I could see in him that would be worth such discomfort... but Aslan, Aslan is a good and caring Lion and he could see so much more than I. He could see Eustace in his future adventure's, he could see the brave boy he was meant to become, he saw something in Eustace worth saving.


How does this translate to us? When we look at ourselves in that negative light we see ourselves how I saw Eustace. We are selfish, or spoiled, or rotten, or mean, or any negative adjective you so choose - there is nothing worth saving in us, that we can see. And yet here is God saying "you have to let me undress you." Why? Mostly because our God is so big and so good and so loving that He would sacrifice Himself on our behalfs... but there is this other part too. God sees who we are, he sees the black goop - the dragon skin and he sees the tools we can choose to become. He sees who we are, who we have been, who we are becoming. And somewhere in that He sees us as worthy... He sees that we have something to offer, not only Him but to the world. He sees that we are worth while. We have never deserved His only son's death, but we were worthy... there is something in us that was worth saving. (By the way, when I say us I mean you. Jesus did not die for the masses.)

Then I was struck by my friend's voice, coming through the speakers in the various character's voices, clear and perfect - a mother's voice reading a bed time story. Her sweet voice filling my ears and my heart... both soothing and daring. An unspoken "shh, shh, everything is okay, everything will be okay" and a call to be brave, to face those fears and self loathing and to allow God to pull my dragon skin off. I think back on our two-hour-long conversation and all the things she said and I wonder why. Why would anyone read to me, why would anyone spend two hours talking about goodbyes and self esteem with me, why would anyone spend two hours talking with me, period? That is when it hit me, it's not just that God sees something worth saving in me, He actually enjoys something about me too. In fact, He sees what my friend sees. She was acting on His behalf. Her love is a product of His, her pleasure from mentoring me is His, and only through Him can she me with any amount of clarity. My friend genuinely enjoys who I am, genuinely adores me for me. My God, therefore, genuinely enjoys who I am, genuinely adores me for who He has made me to be.

So, if I am so well loved by the people around me and by my God then why can I not also love myself? If other's genuinely enjoy who I am, then why can I not also enjoy who I am? Are you ready for the truth? I can!!! I do not have to hate who I am, I do not have to be miserable with myself. This idea I have clung to for so long is a LIE. My purpose in life was not misery. So my challenge to you, think of the lies that you are believing about yourself. Think of all those negative aspects and how they make you feel. Then I want you to seek out the truth. Are you really a miserable wrtech of a being simply because you like ice cream too much? NO!!! (Because when ice cream is involved there is no such thing as too much). You are beautiful and worthy of enjoyment. Sure you have your flaws, those little things you need to change (like an affinity for healthy food) but we all do. This where you have to learn some grace, and believe me that is a blog entry in and of itself (one that may be a ways off for me because I suck at grace).Then when you have replaced that lie with truth I want you to do something to celebrate. Go out to dinner, or buy those little party poppers and make a confetti mess. Just do something to enjoy yourself. Do something to praise the God who has made you exactly who you are, the God who is stripping you of your own dragon skins (celebrating might even make the stripping less painful).

Step Seventeen: Lessons From Psychology

Dear Readers,

So I am surprised to be writing a blog about a lesson I learned from Psychology. Now don't get me wrong, I find Psychology fascinating and highly useful... the teacher just doesn't... teach. = ) 

1. Make it personal. We are studying memory and stress in my psychology and we were given an assignment in which we had to test people using a mnemonic device. (A mnemonic device being a device used by associating something personal with the thing you are trying to remember, for example remembering a name by associating with a childhood friend.) As it turns out, making a list (say a grocery list) personal (by putting "away" each imagined item of food in your own home) really does help you remember it. So how does this random snid-bit of information translate into living the bold life?!?! Let me show you:

What did you do yesterday? Now, what were the first things to pop into your head? I'd be willing to bet the first things to pop into most of your heads was something personal... say the lunch your hubby made you, or coffee with your friend, or picking out shoes for prom. The truth of the matter is we remember what we care about. So when you personalize the things in your life it makes them memorable, makes them some how more worth while. 

2. Laugh more. So we were watching an old (we're talking like early 80's) motivational speaker. Aside from being extremely sarcastic (always a plus in my book), she was highly entertaining, which is kind of a nice change when you consider the mass majority of motivational speakers are speakers who have gone through hell and are talking about what they learned or whatever... there just isn't a lot of room for comedic relief. She brought up a really good point: did you know that preschoolers laugh more than 400 times a day? And adults? We laugh, on average, 15 times. Here is the simple truth, laughter is vital to a healthy life whether that health is mental, spiritual, emotional, or physical. If it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, then obviously frowning isn't very natural. We're supposed to be happy, we're supposed to laugh and smile and have a good time! So laugh more and laugh louder (much, much louder – complete with snorts)!!!

Step Sixteen: Get Excited

Dear Readers, 

So I have always been the mature and responsible girl, the one who is always serious and level headed and somehow because of this label I have created this list of unspoken rules – they are typically frivolous rules that mostly inconvenience me for fear that someone might just think that because I am not exactly 5 minutes early (no more or less) that I am irresponsible or don't care. Among that list of silly rules is this – maturity and emotion do not mix... the bigger the display the less mature I become. 

This rule governs much of how I act in public. It turns me into some kind of stone in which just laughing aloud is a carefully considered and some what risky thing to do. However, once more the Lord is showing me that this rule is so silly and cumbersome and that it really and truly is doing absolutely nothing to make my life better. And just how exactly did the Lord show me this?!?!  Well I received my offer letter from Jessup and it is amazing how God answered my prayer! I won't share exact numbers but He provided SO abundantly and I am SO blessed by Him! But the point is that when I received the letter and saw His greatness I could not possibly contain myself! I screamed and started jumping up and down and then started balling! My God is so good and I could not keep myself from shouting for joy and dancing to music that wasn't playing and laughing at who knows what! And let me tell you, it felt good. It was so good to let myself go and rejoice with my entire heart, body and soul! 

I cannot give any kind of philosophical reason for why it felt so good... I don't know why worshipping with my body felt so much better than just singing – it just did! Somehow breaking this one simple rule and just letting myself be entirely free to worship and be a total nut! To just let go of all social stigma and be free and to be EXCITED! It made me smile from ear to ear and was so good to be excited and to share that excitement with my friends! Excitement made my day worthwhile, it made me go to bed with the biggest smile on my face! And if smiling doesn't make life bold than absolutely nothing will!

Step Fifteen: Meet Desperation

Dear Readers,

I am a huge music person. I truly believe that music is a reflection of the soul and it is absolutely necessary for me to express myself. Anyways, the other night I was feeling pretty down and out, so I put on JJ Heller (this awesome worship singer). Now normally, I just use the music to cover up the sound of my crying or to calm me down or to get my blood flowing, I cannot honestly say that I have ever "experienced" music before, or lived in the space of a 3 minute song. For whatever reason, even though I have heard her songs a million times (enough to sing Kareoke to while still being completely comfortable), when "Love Me" came on I found myself actually feeling the desperation of the chacter's whose lives she is chronicling. Perhaps my own pain enabled me to empathize, or perhaps I had never allowed my heart to listen to their tales, regardless I felt myself falling entirely apart on behalf of some generic character whose life was playing out in my speakers. As the last man sits in a jail cell crying out, begging to just go home I found myself crying, and not for the complications or pain in my life, but for his. I don't care what he has done, no man ought to be condemned to never seeing home again, to dying completely alone without a soul in the world who cares. But then, almost as if something whispers inside of me saying, "I will love you, I see everything you are, everything you have been and everything you will become and I will love you. I do love you!" Suddenly, I was over come with hope and joy. What struck me as interesting was that before any of the characters got to feel that hope and joy they had to meet desperation. 

Having experienced my fair share of both joy and desperation as of late I have come to learn a few things. The first is that no body really wants to meet desperation. Its painful, discouraging, and just not fun. In fact, most of the time I do whatever I can to avoid meeting up with desperation. I run from it. But that is my mistake. Yes, desperation is hard but we learn something in meeting desperation. The lesson is always different but it is always intentional – whether we are learning to depend on God or to obey Him. Most interesting is that I have yet to find a desperation-taught lesson that has not ended with something you can apply to joy. See the truth of the matter is, that we can know nothing about joy until we have met desperation. 

So hard as it is, the next time you meet desperation, try to resist running. He has some pretty powerful lessons for you and when its time to meat joy again it will make your reunion that much better!!! 

Attached is a URL for "Love Me" by JJ Heller http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7SPCVkKyY

Step Fourteen: Offer Yourself

Dear Readers,

A few months ago (I am a slow thick headed learner sometimes), I was preparing for an interview. Naturally, I sought advice and admittedly some of it was really good but some of it was really bad. The one thing that I maintained was that I wanted to get the scholarship because of who I am and not because I shaped myself and my words to fit what they wanted. Perhaps it was my honesty policy, perhaps it just felt too slimy, or perhaps I simply wanted to know that the person that I am is worthy of a scholarship... who knows why I do the things I do sometimes. I didn't realize it then but God was teaching me something, something I didn't even realize until last night (again I am a really slow learner sometimes)....

I have a friend who is speaking in front of a large group of people today and as I was thinking about her and praying on her behalf I was recalling my own experiences of speaking in public. The racing thoughts, pounding heart, sweaty palms, random fidgetty bursts. Even as some one who competes in public speaking, it is a really scary thing to do. Especially when you are speaking in front of a crowd that knows who you are and you are sharing something so personal. I wanted to offer her something, some small piece of support but there was this part of my heart that was saying "you have nothing to offer, nothing she could possibly want, you cannot pray with her via an email – she would be weirded out by that. If you offer her this support she won't want to be your friend." I didn't know what to do. Finally I decided to offer anyways, chose to believe that she would appreciate it. So I sent her an email with a small prayer in it, as it turns out she did appreciate it and if it weirded her out then she didn't tell me.

This is what I learned: I had to offer myself. There is nothing more or less than who I am. It is the greatest gift I could possibly give. I don't say this arrogantly with the idea that I am the most awesome person in the world, I say it thinking realistically about what is in my realm of capabilities. Of course I could have sent her some card or something, but the greatest gift I could offer her was my support and my prayers. Similarly, in my interview, I could have offered fake words that attempted to manipulate things to my advantage, that might even have succeeded in manipulating things to my advantage. I made the greater offer, I offered myself.

The truth is, it is a risk to offer ourselves because if that self is rejected... well we assume that, that rejection devalues our character. Like somehow, in that rejection, we become less. But we don't, not really. Our value is not composed of human opinion, and therefore human rejection cannot depreciate our value. When we stand as confidant and triumphant sons and daughters of God we don't need to offer masks or fake words, we can offer of ourselves, our true selves.

So how does offering of your true self make your life bolder? I don't honestly know... but I do know that it made my friends world better, I know it won me a scholarship that I know that I "deserved." And when we spend our lives living as our true selves we never have to worry about what people "really" think about us.

That's all for now folks!

Step Thirteen: Let It Go

Dear Readers,

I'll write the story but I think for this one I will let you deduce your own meaning because I have several in my head and I don't want to get in God's way. 

I was sitting at the bus stop playing with a dollar bill while I waited. I wasn't really praying or meditating or even thinking, mostly I was just sitting there. I unfolded the bill and inscribed on one side were the words "May God Bless You" in plain black ink. I smiled. This is one of those moments when you realize that God is "kissing" you softly, it's like one of those chocolate mints on a pillow or some other tiny gesture that offers great amounts of love. Even as I smiled, I felt God say "let it go." I didn't want to let it go! He gave it to me! Besides who just throws money on the ground?!?! Then God said it again, this time with a puff of wind to encourage the point. I did not want to let it go. I argued and whined and resisted. I felt like one of my two year olds looking up at me with those shiny eyes saying "mine." Then after much internal wrestling I opened my hand expecting the wind to snatch the money from my hand. It didn't. I sat there waiting... perhaps God was just making sure I was really letting the money go, perhaps it was a test of obedience. Regardless, it was minutes before the wind blew it out of my hand, and then when it did, the dollar landed at my feet. In fact, when I got on the bus it was still there. 

Make of it what you will, but after letting the dollar go, after walking away from it... I felt lighter. Part of me imagines that someone else will find that dollar and they will read that note and they will smile and one way or another they will pass the dollar on. I don't know how God will use that dollar... maybe someone will use it to buy drugs or alcohol, or maybe someone will buy food for their hungry family with it, or maybe it will be donated to an orphanage or some save the whales foundation. I don't know if I was doing someone a favor or if I was helping someone in their habit, and I will never know. But that is part of the lightness. It isn't my responsibility or even in my realm of control to know or do anything about that dollar. I let it go and now, for better or for worse, it's all up to God. 

I don't know what the dollar represents for you, be it figural or literal, but heres my advice: whatever your dollar is, let it go. God might not take it from you right away, He might wait and ask for your patience and obedience, but keep your hand open. When he does take it, it will be a very freeing experience!

Step Twelve: Wait

Dear Readers,

Patience is... hard, to say the least. There are two general ways of being patient. The first is momentary patience. This is the waiting-in-line-in-the-store-with-a-crying-kid-in-the-stroller-in-front-of-you patience. This is the kind of patience that teachers, babysitters, elder siblings, and tails-stepped-on-old-dogs have. It is temporary, a minor itch waiting to be soothed. Not that this minority lessens its importance. You see these day-to-day temporary situations reveal quite a bit about our hearts. When the kid in front of you is crying, will you stand there and complain about how "some people" or will you lend a hand to the mother? Maybe you could help her unpack her cart while she distracts the little one? I assure you that you probably won't change any lives but they do reveal your true heart. But this temporary patience isn't what I want to focus on...

No instead I want to look at a greater, deeper kind of patience. The kind of patience that endures as a solid ache for months or years. Think of the Israelites wondering the dessert, think of mothers patiently waiting to meet their unborn child, think of Anne Frank waiting to be free from an attic. This sort of patience is much harder than the day to day stuff. It is years of praying and hearing the answer no and continuing to pray. It is desire and longing. It is waiting in it's truest sense. 

So why is the ability to wait important for a bold life? Because we only wait for things that are important to us, things that matter. When we wait, especially when we wait with that deeper sense of patience, God usually rewards in a way that is utterly astounding! It is not always the answer we want, but it is always worthwhile. 

So here it is: have dreams and wait patiently – in time God will reward you! 

Step Ten and Elven

Dear Readers,

Since I haven't posted in a while this one might be longer but I will definitely try to keep things on the shorter and simpler side. = ) 

Step Ten: Dance in the Wind

The other day as I was walking home in some pretty impressive wind. On my ipod was playing some David Crowder and as I lifted my arms the wind caught hold of my backpack and spun me around in a giant circle. As I giggled with delight, I smiled feeling like a young woman who was just caught up in the arms of her lover, dancing together oblivious to anyone or anything else. Perhaps it is a bit more romantic than my norm but how it elated my heart to think of God twirling in his arms, tenderly and lovingly! 

So the challenge – dance in the wind. Or go with the flow. Sometimes God touches our heart and reminds us of our preciousness. 

Step Elven: Speak Life

Our words have power, whether written or spoken, in fact they have the power to give life or to give death. When we say "I love you, you are so precious to my heart, you are valued, important, worthwhile" we offer life and love and freedom. We offer encouragement and hope. When we say "I detest you, you are not worth my time, energy, or thoughts. I want nothing to do with you. You are not valuable or worthwhile to me" we offer death, pain, and hatred. When we speak with anyone we are faced with a choice – we can offer life, love, hope, encouragement or freedom or we can offer death, pain, hatred, and discouragement. 

So my challenge to you, my lovely friends: let us all speak openly and honestly with words that offer life. When your friend is looking beautiful, tell her that. It will tickle her heart and make her smile. It is simple and easy and so very important!

Well, homework time!

Step Nine: Have Fun

Dear Readers,

I was babysitting two sweet little girls the other day and while we were watching The Princess and the Frog (good movie, by the way) the two pretty girls wanted me to dance with them. So we stood up and started to dance. The lesson the Lord was teaching me only just began to sink in. Tonight, I turned on my Disney playlist (yes, I have a playlist dedicated specifically to Disney songs) and in between putting the dishes away I allowed myself to dance. As I spun around, doing a ditzy little twirl, it hit me – God was using those gorgeous girls to teach me a lesson. Sometimes we just need to have some fun, to cut back and let loose, no matter how old we are. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized God has been showing me this for... years.

Recently, my genius (and I mean that in a literal sense, she really is a genius – we are talking valedictorian, 4.8 GPA, 32 of 36 on the ACT) friend decided that she was going to dye her hair pink. When the pink didn't show up, she dyed it blue. Now, imagine a Rori Gilmore-esk girl, standing at the podium with blue hair... Classic right?!?! Granted by the time we graduate, all remnants of blue hair should have disappeared, but my smart friend taught me the same thing. We are never too old (or too responsible) to have fun. 

I used to volunteer at an old folks home, and I met the most amazing 97 year old woman. Her walker always had some kind of stuffed animal dangling from it, and in a side pocket she always kept some kind of sweet treats for any one of the little kids running around. Even with her hips hurting and her need for a walker she always did the cha-cha whenever we parted for the month. She was kind and sweet like her name (Ms. Daisy) and full of Texan sass. 

So here it is, don't get so caught up in your rank, responsibilities, age or any other thing that you stop having fun. It's important to enjoy yourself, and to do it without guilt for what you think you are supposedly sacrificing. 

Step Eight: Praise Big, Praise Often

Dear Readers,

Here it is plain and simple: praise big, praise often. 

We are beings of worship... in fact it is the very essence of our heart. We were made to worship. There are times when that worship is sad... sorrowful... that cry that rises from the depths of your heart when everything is going wrong and you have no where left to turn. This kind of worship is... intense and hard. But there is this other kind of worship, the kind of song that bubbles up from the depths of a joyful heart, filling the morning air with music, swelling around you. This worship is an infectious joy that often results in dancing and screaming! This worship is praise. 

There are a million ways to worship, the best advice I have to give is do what you love. If you love to write, write. If you love to snowboard, snowboard. If you love to sing, sing. Don't live under the pretense that you have to be miserable to be responsible. Let your heart do what makes it happy, allow yourself to offer praise freely and often! Let's make an effort to live in a state of joy and in a place of praise! 

Just my thought for tonight...