I have an insanely hard time seeing my inherent worth. I can see the value in my skills, in my abilities, but I struggle with seeing beyond them. Lately, it seems like, God is giving me a little lesson in sight.
As my time at Jessup quickly approaches, more and more people are stepping up to serve me through their generous gifts. I am honestly thinking that God is acting a little like a show off, a stud muffin! (Not that I am complaining!) You see, some of these people have met me and know a little of my story and my heart but most of the people who are acting so boldly (and kindly) in the Lord's name haven't ever met me. It is not for my actions or even for my heart that they are giving. The only possible explanation I have is that this is the Lord's doing. He is not just meeting my needs, He is flat out spoiling me, He is delighting in lavishing me in extravagant gifts. Like the Lilies of the Field, He is not with-holding an ounce of His magnificence. Though my time at Jessup will pass far quicker than I care to admit, He has spared no ounce of His beauty. He is clothing me as wonderfully as the wild flowers that bloom on grass knolls, though they will wilt in autumn's freeze. HE, my God and Savior, is delighting in me. In giving to me. And I can't see why.
I am ashamed to admit that even now, I dare not fight the lie that there is nothing more to me than my skills. I'm beautiful, but in that everyone-was-made-special-and-unique kind of way, which is to say I'm not really beautiful at all, I'm the exact same as everyone else because I am different. I don't actually believe myself to be beautiful, the walk-in-a-room-and-mouths-drop beautiful. And I cannot fight this because if I were to believe I am take-your-breath-away beautiful, I'd be vain. Instead, I settle for the "I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, we're all beautiful" schtick and let my skills make up for the physical beauty I lack. And my personality? Well there certainly couldn't be anything worthwhile in a quiet, introverted, logical, dreamer! I've allowed these thoughts to fuel my growing sense of fear that all I have to offer, all that I could possibly give, are my deeds. A very convenient belief for a girl trying to avoid facing a fundamental lie, but a very scary thought when you realize you are leaving everyone you love, that you will not be able to serve them any longer. As you can probably guess, this is all through my eyes but I am no longer my own, I am His. And it is by and through His eyes that I must start to see.
So what does He see? I am not ugly. I am beautiful. This is a fact. I am beautiful, not only because He created me, but because I am genuinely gorgeous! Whether I like it or not, boys do notice me. I am a stunning young woman. And as my heart starts to shrink away, wondering if this is too conceited to actually post, I feel His hand lifting my chin and I can hear Him whisper "there is no shame in truth." I am beautiful in the we-are-all-beautiful way. I belong to a wonderful and messy species called the human race and in its best and worst of times there is an underlying beauty haunting it. It is the image of God, shifting beneath the surface. But I am also beautiful in the only-you way. The Lord blessed me with a beauty all my own, a beauty that lives. And my personality? It is incredible. It is not the immediately charming, warm and open personality I so admire, but somewhere in the direct stubbornness and the tender meekness, I glow. I capture a side of the Lord that no one can even begin to understand. My friend would call me a "gem." She would call me "precious." And she is right. In His eyes, I am a rarity, a one of the kind, special design, special cut me. There is no element of me He does not love. Even my struggles speak in some way of my fall, my wounds, and my redemption. He is embedded even in my deepest scar. I was designed to play an irreplaceable role with the Lord, without me the story is not complete, without me He is not complete. My skills and ability aside, He is incomplete without me, without my personality, without my beauty.
So why is He delighting in me so obviously and with so much exorbitance? To remind me of my worth. To teach me to see and confess that which He sees. And simply because He is the Creator and He wants to. My sweet Savior honestly wants to love me and it is so freeing! I would highly recommend it! = )
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