Step Thirty-Eight: When All Else Fails, Pray

Dear Readers,

You may not have noticed, but I think God is reminding me that I know far too little about prayer. Lately, I have felt beyond frustrated. I feel discouraged, lost... displaced. (Displaced, by the way, meaning obsolete, lacking, or forgotten). My heart is burdened by thoughts and emotions not mine to have. 

On more than one occasion, I have found myself hiding in a corner crying out. Begging for answers, help, miracles. I find myself comforting my screaming nephew, while feeling my own inconsolable heart beat. Even words, the life and blood of my soul, can't quite seem to capture the condition of my heart. Is it grief stricken? Weary? Despondent? My sweet friends have nothing left to offer me besides their prayers. Yes, they can hold me, they can advise me, but at the end of the day it is praying with them that fills my heart with hope as the morning sun fills the dawn sky. 

Prayer is the desperate man's saving grace. It holds more power than money, fame, or skill. It fills the hearts of the helpless, the hopeless, the worthless, and the lost. It offers comfort, solace, hope. It is a promise, a security blanket, a child's lullaby. It is a direct means of communicating with our Heavenly Father. When we pray in our weakness, in our helplessness, we become the crying woman whose tears, hair, and perfume anoint the feet of the Most Holy. So when all else fails, pray. It is the first and last resort. And to be perfectly honest, it is your only hope. 

STep Thirty-Seven: Loving In Action

Dear Readers,

Having recently been in the labor room with my sister and having witnessed the adjusting of two families to a new baby, I have come to an uh-duh realization. Love takes work. A lot of work. Let's start with the whole emotion of love thing. Some people automatically feel love, others need time to develop that bond. But move beyond the whole feeling love thing, I am talking about the act of loving.

After a baby's birth, there exists what I call "baby fever" where, for whatever reason, people are obsessed with this amoeba-like, boring but oddly cute kid. In this fever, people tend to forget the more functional version of humanity, pushing them aside... in other words, they are replaced. Now in a dysfunctional home, this replacing is never fully corrected and resentment and tension builds and builds. This, for the record, is not love to either the baby or the forgotten. In reality, it is a selfish desire to ogle, reminisce, and otherwise daydream without putting in any real time or effort. (That, by the way, is not meant to minimize a mother's exhaustion or to belittle the amount of work a newborn is.) In a healthy home, mom and dad fight for all of their kids. They make it known that all children are loved, cherished, and delighted in. They deliberately seek out time to spend together alone and as a family. Their day does not end until all needs have been met. This is a labor of love, that they wake for hungry babies, scared children, and still have enough energy in the morning to to get going.  In this love, they foster relationships between all and encourage growth as a family without sacrificing the heart of the individual. 

Love is hard work. It just is. Those who love, truly and selflessly love, work harder than any one. Love far exceeds emotions. It is a choice. A choice that must be made over and over. A choice to sacrifice that which is dear for the sake of another. A choice to continue when all others have stopped. Love is a mother's hugs that do not stop and a Father's pride that knows no end. From the dawn of time, from the creation of man, love has always been, and will always be, a choice. Just as God yearns for us to choose Him, we yearn to be chosen. 

So here it is, in simple english: put your love into action. Don't just say "I love you," let your love guide your actions and be your strength to endure. Let your heart grow and overflow with love; let your life be nothing less than a testament to that love you carry.

Step Thirty-Six: The Power of Prayer

Dear Readers, 

I am forever underestimating the power of prayer. I forget sometimes that prayer is anything but passive. Tonight God reminded me that prayer has power and then He blessed me by revealing that power.

Tonight was a worship night at church. Low key and understated. It truly was a night meant to connect and glorify the Lord. Somewhere between songs I took notice of my brother. He was laying on the floor, eyes open staring at the ceiling. Junior High and High School are tough, but when you look at my family's circumstances... well my brother he has it really tough. Lately he has grown more and more despondent. Watching my brother struggle with similar issues that I struggled with... I wanted to save him. I wanted to step between him and those struggles, to protect him. But this time, I could not. I could only sit back and bite my nails, hoping he would be okay. Watching him, I realized I had to let go, to step back. I had to move aside and entrust that God would take care of my little brother. I struggled with this idea. That is when one of my kind friends took note of me, she sat beside me and we talked. Her mantra was "all you can do is pray." She reminded me that prayer is not passive. It is the most powerful weapon in our arsenal. Together we prayed that my brother would have the desire to seek after the Lord, we prayed that the Lord would put a hedge of protection around him, that God would draw my brother in and show him the love he so desperately needs. We had no idea that God would be stirring in my brother's heart as well! Tonight my brother was saved!!!! He owned his faith and his flaws. His journey has only just begun, but it is beginning! 

It is human nature that we want to save those we love or fix what is going wrong. We get so caught up in physical action we forget to acknowledge two very important facts: 

1. We never had the ability to save or fix in the first place. If we did, we'd have no need for a Savior or a God. In fact, we were designed with the distinct inability to save so that we might fall on our knees, begging Him to come to us, to dwell within us. 
2. God does not hold out on us, or on our friends. Ever. I wrote this to my friend last night, I think it captures this point so perfectly:

   He does not hold out on us. He did not tell Eve she could not eat of the tree because He feared her becoming something great, He did not forbid her as a means of with-holding. He did it because He had better plans. He forbade her, not with the intention of making her miserable but with the idea of walking beside her in the Garden, flowers in bloom magnifying her beauty. His plan is for perfection. He is not holding out on you, He has held nothing back, but instead offered you everything He had. He created you, shaping you tenderly. When you were born he pursued you and protected you. Even as time after time after time, you slapped him, you walked away from him. He wooed you, He wrote you love letters, poetry – recording each moment within one of His most sacred offerings, His word. And when you betrayed Him and fell captive into enemy hands, He exchanged His own flesh and blood as a sacrifice so that you could once more sit at His side. He filled your heart and soul to the brim with His spirit, so that the two of you would never be apart again. He has offered you every aspect of His creation. The world is yours to enjoy, life is yours to enjoy. He has offered you direction and guidance, that you might not wonder into death's grasp. And now He is offering you His heart. Every tangible and intangible part of it. The part of it that tenderly grooms and clothes for each wild flower, the part of it that chases after you relentlessly, the part of it that adores orphans and widows, every part of it is yours.

   God loves us. He loves my brother more than I could ever even imagine loving someone. He shaped him, each muscle, tendon and nerve was carefully crafted. He has pursued my brother from before he was born. My desire to "save" my brother is child's play compared to the elaborate scheme the Lord has planned! 

Tonight I was reminded that prayer is powerful. It is a chance to speak to the Lord. We have authority in our prayers. No longer will I underestimate it. 

Step Thirty-Five: Just Go For It

Dear Readers,

In the aforementioned box of sentimental things, I found a small yellow piece of scrap paper. Scrawled in almost legible print is the number of one of my three mama bears, given to me by her husband at what attendees affectionately called "Dirt Camp." I had mentioned to him how I didn't like how sunshine and lollipops my mama bear was, realizing that I had the wrong impression of her, he urged me to call or email her. When I showed the two of them this piece of paper, my papa bear made a remark that got me thinking, he said "I had no idea what that would turn in to." What he meant by that was 5 years earlier he could not imagine that I would have become their adopted daughter, lived with them for a month, or, on that particular night, be celebrating Father's Day with and for him. 

The more I think about my life, the more I realize that it is one "I had no idea it would turn into this" after another. My life is composed with a tiny million yellow slips of paper – opportunity. Some lost, some fully taken advantage of, and still others undetermined, as of yet. For example, who knew that in deciding to look at a website I'd end up at the school of my dreams ? Or that in telling one semi-stranger in an email that I like her for her lack of professional signature and her use of "lots o' love" that I would find one quirky mentor and two adorable princesses? Or that in saying yes to an invitation to attend a church my entire life would change? I certainly didn't. God is quirky that way. His timing is His entirely. He uses yellow scrap paper, elevator hokey pokies, old folk's nail polish and McDonald's to build our lives. Puzzle piece by puzzle piece, it is chaos randomly colliding. Pieced together, though, they play the harmony of our life and there is no sweeter tune! 

So here's my borderline cliche advice: you only live life once, so just go for it. Worst comes to worst, you chalk it up as a failed attempt and use it to plan your next adventure. But if it works, you could find yourself saying "I had no idea it would turn into this!" God's handed you more yellow slips than you could possibly imagine, but it's up to you to dial the number. 

Step Thirty-Four: Community

Dear Readers, 

Recently, I was going through a box of keep sakes. Old thank you notes, pictures, birthday cards. Sentimental little things. I came across this sun faded sign and like a Will Smith song brings you old people back to the 80's, I was flashing back to junior high. = ) 

In faded maroon and once-plum-purple, folded into thirds, is written the simple words "We love you Leela!" Two of my closest, and goofiest, friends made this sign for me one afternoon when they were hanging out and I was feeling especially blue. They then proceeded to take photos of themselves holding the sign making silly faces, which they promptly emailed to me. Before I moved, I kept this sign hanging on my wall, a constant reminder of the friendship we shared. It is one of the two memories that moves me to tears, even to this day. 

The second memory is this: I went with most of my small group and my church to Kansas for my first summer camp. While we were there a junior high boy from a school that some of my friends attended died. I was flooded by memories of my own friend's suicide. Of the hurt and loss. That night, lying in our tents, "sleeping" two of the girls pulled out a flashlight and together we put on an amazing shadow show. This, of course, rendered us into a state of giddiness that, if I remember correctly, ended with us half quacking, half snorting in our sleeping bags. 

These girls, along with our other small group mates, were the first to teach me one of the most important lesson I've learned: it's all about community. Things are in perpetual motion. They are always changing. Even our relationships with people will change. But, like the eye of a storm, God provides us with a refuge. A place where the whirlwinds of change surround us and yet we remain untouched. It is within our community. We cannot do life without a community, they carry us when we cannot walk, they laugh with us when all we've left is tears, they lift us up in prayers when we cannot even find the strength to kneel, they love us when we cannot find ourselves worthy of loving. And most importantly, they show us God. They represent his unconditional love, they model His desire for a relationship, and they act as His tools filling our needs. Your community will change, it will grow and shrink, ebb and flow, but do not let it disappear. They are a life line, a modified circle of life and, ultimately, happiness is unachievable without them. 

To my first small group: thank you and I love you. = ) 

Step Thirty-Three: Take a Detour or Two

Dear Readers,

When facing change I find myself doing the same thing: reflecting. I ask myself how I got to this point. I ask myself what detours I took to get to these exact cross roads. As I am preparing for college, preparing to go out on my own for the first time, I find myself thinking about how I got here. It is a strange and squiggly path, but then anyone attempting to get from suicide to life that is rich and full of color and passion probably has to walk a strange and squiggly path. 

I look at the bends in my path, the curves, the times I failed or succumbed. The times I walked backwards rather than forwards. The times I was so lost I just quit walking. Each of these mistakes, each miscalculation, is a detour. So why would I advise you to get lost, to screw up? Because inevitably human nature dictates that you will, and when you do, I want you to see those detours and to realize you have an amazing opportunity in front of you. You can forever alter the path you are taking. You can take a whole new one. What freedom! In getting lost, in screwing up, we can be made anew! We can be redeemed! 

Most of my life I spent traveling towards an early death. Cutting before I was in junior high, suicidal by the time I did enter junior high. Oh yes. This was the path I was walking. It took a failed suicide attempt before I chose to follow a different path. I had to fail to find life. 

So are you facing detours? Is your life not going as planned? That's okay! Frustrating? Yes, but still okay. Use this moment to rewrite it. Use it to find a new path or even just to correct the one you're walking. Remember, failure and mistakes are not the end all to be all, sometimes they are even life giving. This is my prayer for you all, that when you find that detour, when you realize you have failed or that you are discontent you will use it to make things better, for yourself and for those whom your life touches. 

Step Thirty-Two: Name Your Fears

Dear Readers,

I struggle with fear. To some degree, all people struggle with fear. Fear, I believe, is extremely confusing. There are good fears, bad fears, serious fears, trivial fears, adrenaline-induced fears, and outright paralyzing fears. There are fears to work through and fears that ought to be heeded and to be perfectly honest I never know which is which. Lately, I've dealt with a lot of change. Now if I were to say I had a "worst fear" it would be change. Change does not sit well with my heart. Even good change causes my heart to go into a tizzy of worries. What I have learned is that naming my fears really helps me to figure it out. Why? Because before you can name your fears you must get to know them, intimately.

Imagine yourself as a little kid, lying in your dark room, trying to fall back asleep, when you hear a bump in the night. Some small tiny insignificant sound that escapes your attention during the day time, but now it has captured your attention, drawing you in and keeping your ears attentive and straining. Why are you listening so intently? Because you don't know what made that sound. There is literally a physiological thing happening in your body. Because you cannot identify this noise you also cannot assess it's threat level and the alertness in your body, the thudding heart, the fast breathing, the franticly racing mind are all physiological ways for your body to prepare to fight or flee.  Psychology aside, you are laying there in this stage of anxiety wondering what made this noise and you have a choice. Choice one: you can pull the blankets above your head and lay wide eyed beneath the covers wondering if some hideous thing is going to touch you at any moment. Choice two: you can slip out from beneath your covers, make a dash for the lamp, and begin to investigate. 

Change is my bump in the night. My body is entirely alert. God is saying "so what will it be, you have to make this decision, I will not make it for you." I have the choice to flee from (most of) my change. I could choose not to go to college, choose not to move away. I could pull the covers back over my head then I would spend the rest of my life wondering. I would be in a state of terror wondering when I'd hear the next bump and if this time it would be closer. But something tells me that if I chose this option, there would be no dawn. No hope for relief from the fears that bombard me. That is a very safe option. A very change free option. But it also sounds miserable! So option two, I could turn on the lights and begin to investigate. I could take a risk and dash across the country. It will cost me thousands of dollars, four years, and endless prayers all to see if this change-college thing isn't so bad. Oh there is risk involved. I could discover I hate it. I might decide that college isn't my thing and I want to attend a beauty parlor. But I could also discover I love it and that as hard as it is, I would not trade it for the world. Despite whatever I feel about this change in the end, I have to get to know it, I have to live it, I have to exist intimately within it. After I've done this, I can name that bump and I can return to bed knowing that no hideous monster awaits my inattention. I can find peace within my fear.

God calls us to have no fear. This makes zero sense to me. We are human, we can't not be afraid. But lately God has been revealing something to me. God isn't calling us to magically pop into existence without fear burdening our hearts. He's calling us to name our fears, to live with them in such a personal and intimate way that we cease to fear them, that we may find peace within them. He calls us to live in such a way that we must depend on Him to provide us strength and endurance, to keep us going when our human selves have failed, a way that brings us on our knees before Him. Then He will carry us victoriously to dawn so that we may say "good morning." 

It is not easy and more often than not, I mess it up but the hope I have for the morning sustains me and encourages me. One day (not necessarily one day soon but one day) I will have my dawn!

Step Thirty One: Don't Hold Anything Back

Dear Readers, 

I was riding home with a friend and her almost three year old daughter, Pocohantas blaring in the background, talking, when I realized I had found my newest blog post. 

We had spent the day together and I had seen her diffuse arguments, respond with endless patience, blast disney princess and veggie tale songs while singing along. I watched her prepare lunch, dinner, and hold a screaming child and on the way home while she and her daughter are singing some goofy song about fashion being more than just the clothes you wear. I could not help saying "you are an amazing mom!" (Because she is!) She laughed and thanked me for saying so, her usual modest response. But it got us talking about my future and Jessup and how while both of us are super excited for the change the actual implementation and the distance terrify us, so we aren't thinking about it. Perhaps she sprinkled a dash of boldness in my mashed potatoes (which were delicious) but once more I just said what was on my mind, " I need you." This lead us to a discussion on the awesomeness of God. (Don't try and find logic in our conversations, we aren't really the logical type... they don't really flow or fit together... they just kind of are). I said something that I realized should be the next step to living bold. 

God loves so freely, He holds nothing back. He never worries that He will overwhelm us with His emotions, or that we will not be able to handle it. His thoughts, feelings, heart, mind and soul are all out on the table. This is the way I want to live my life. I don't want to hold anything back. I want to lay it all on the line. Telling my friend she is a great mom is a perfect example. Normally, I would worry that she would take it the wrong way or be overwhelmed by my affection for her. Telling her I need her – that is totally taboo. I don't "need" anyone out loud. But telling her was totally worthwhile. It was intense and I wasn't sure how she would react, but it made her smile. I like to think it in some way affirmed her heart, encouraged her. (Mind you, I haven't actually asked her, so this is me assuming). 

I know that living without holding back will take time and practice, but even knowing that I have made a choice in taking a step in that direction is absolutely freeing. Now I'm not saying you should say the first thing that pops into your mind because often times we think stupid things we don't mean, but when it comes to matters of the heart, matters we have thought out and know are not going to change we should express those. We should allow our love to shape itself after our Lord's. Hold nothing back. Lay it all on the line. Rejection is a possibility. Actually, rejection is a reality, but you might also be surprised by people's responses. Sometimes, they need you too. = ) 

My thought for tonight. Hopefully my sweet friend doesn't mind my using her as inspiration. Love you dearly friend! 

Step Thirty: Living in Gratitude

Dear Readers,

Lately, I have been writing a lot of thank you notes. With graduation and influential teachers not to mention helping my sister write her baby shower thank you notes. It wasn't until tonight when I was writing thank you notes to a few very special people that it truly dawned on me: I have a lot to be grateful for! I always hated the phrase "count your blessings" because I thought 1. how cliche is that and 2. not all of us are such optimists but now I'm starting to think that maybe its on to something and it just needs to be rephrased. So here is my rephrasing – live in gratitude. 

God has absolutely spoiled me! There is such abundance in my life! I am surrounded and engulfed by people who adore me. He has met and exceeded my every need. He has given me people who amaze me, more "things" than I could ever use, and more experiences than I could ever have want of. He has provided me ample opportunity to learn life's lessons and the intellect to process such lessons. He has lead me to my dream school and worked miracles in getting me there. And I have more families than most people have friends. As I am writing these thank you notes, I cannot help but to be grateful, to remember all the blessings that are embedded in my life. The more I remember, the more grateful I become until I find myself even grateful that two of the most important people in my life are pregnant and therefore crazy. (No, really.) 

However, I also see that other people are struggling. Close friends of mine are struggling. I do not believe that they have been less blessed, that they have less to be grateful for. Nor do I believe that they aren't trying to look at it the right way or from the right perspective. I see my own struggles and complaints. Even in the midst of all this goodness, I still struggle, I still don't enjoy the fact that I have two very pregnant ladies who are crazy. But I still am living in gratitude. 

You see, when I hear "count your blessings"  what I really hear is "yeah, yeah, yeah – so you got it tough, look at the bright side and just ignore all the other crap." I believe it is some kind of unspoken connotation. That, my friends, is not counting your blessings, nor is it living in gratitude. People mistakenly believe that liking something and being grateful for something have to go hand in hand. As if we are only grateful for a gift if it is something we want. But this shouldn't be the case at all. Gratitude should be felt and expressed for all sweaters, the awesome cashmere ones that make us look awesome as well as the hideous from-the-thrift-store-for-two-dollars ones. Gratitude occurs when we realize that regardless of results, someone had the intention of blessing us, of loving us. It is born when our hearts realize that someone has thought of us, specifically. 

So how do you live in gratitude? The reality is, I only know of one way. We become grateful when we dwell within the Lord's heart. From this place we can experience the ups (like graduation) and the downs (like relinquished dreams) while living in gratitude. As our hearts intertwine themselves with the Lord's, we begin to see how He wants us to see. We begin to accept that all experiences have their purpose. Ultimately, in living with the Lord, our heart grows and in that growth we become more and more aware of all that we have been given. 

So count your blessings or live in gratitude, it's a content place of existence.