Most of us have gone through something that has enabled us to feel two very contradictory things in one very short breath. It is very confusing. Today I have felt especially caught up in the stark differences abiding within my heart.
I am bursting with excitement! I am going to college!!! My dream college to boot! Already the Lord is preparing to surround me with some truly amazing people. My Resident Assisstant (R.A.) is so on fire for the Lord, it feels entirely infectious! She is full of joy and excitement at the thought of leading us girls–I cannot wait to just sit in her presence and listen to her heart! Oh the lessons I can imagine it sharing! I have visited once and already I have friends who are lifting me up in prayer and eagerly awaiting my arrival. I'm going to be studying the BIBLE! How could I not be excited?!
But I am also so very sad. I have a wonderful life here in the Rocky Mountains! It is truly a testament to the Lord! I am surrounded and filled with so much love and encouragement. I have amazing friends and mentors, all of whom I am preparing to leave. As much as I praise the Lord for the life I had, I also mourn my loss of it. It grieves my heart to imagine leaving these people who have been part of my daily life for years. How much sorrow it brings!
It is hard to exist in two such polar opposite emotions, to bounce from one extreme to the other, but in allowing myself to do so, I am fully feeling everything! No aspect of my joy and excitement goes uncelebrated, and no detail of my sorrow goes unseen. In living so completely within both worlds, I have come to accept that there is no joy unaccompanied by sorrow. They go hand in hand. When I am sad and fearful of being homesick, I am reminded of all the people and all of the places that have brought me love, support, comfort, and joy over the years and I rejoice in Him for them. My joy, in turn, is made even greater through my sorrows.
The truth is, I hate feeling so... bipolar. I love feeling stable and consistent! But stable? Consistent? Mono-polar? Those things just don't exist. Not in reality. We have to learn how to exist within the chaos of contradictions so that we may know life, and know it to the full. Be contradictory, you might learn something. = )
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