Recently I have come up with a metaphor to describe how I feel, how I have felt most of my life. I feel like a pebble in a basket full of jewels. I look around me and I can see my peers, my mentors, my friends, my elders all sparkling with a certain radiance. I can see so much of who they reflect in them. I am surrounded by people who shine, who embody this idea of radiance. I can see them, see their value, see their substance. There is truly no taking for granted the amazing people around me, the people who bring me to my knees in awe of creation. The problem is, I'm not one of them. Not in my eyes.
Sigh. I've crawled back into my corner. I feel like a four year old again. I can feel my arms locked around my legs, feel my bony knees protrude into my chest, feel the tears swell in my eyes. I am here quite often. I don't say this to gain your sympathy but out of frustration. I don't get it. Why am I afraid of everything? Why do I spend so much time crying? Why do I hurt so bad? The only answer I can come up with is this: I am un-building.
Many people have been blessed to have had families that have established healthy foundations. They have had parent's who encourage and bless. They grow up with the knowledge that all is well, they are taken care of, and the world is a relatively safe place. (They aren't perfect, I don't believe in perfect earthly parents, but they're pretty darn good). I and several of my readers did not. In fact, our foundation was built on the knowledge that nothing and no one is safe, you are on your own. If you haven't experienced this, if you don't know what it is like, I cannot explain it to you. I cannot even touch on how radical the impact is. Again, I do not say this to earn pity, but to explain. I don't have a strong foundation. In fact, I am digging into the core of me and destroying what was. I'm serious. I am having to strip myself down to nothing. In many ways, this stripping process hurts more than the original lies did. I'm not erasing memories (though I wish I could) I am building on scar tissue. I am afraid of everything because of the multitude of lies I grew up believing. I hurt so bad and cry so much because I am in the process of becoming nothing. The good thing about becoming nothing is that I get to choose who this someone is. I get to lay down my foundation.
Life hurts right now. Perhaps I ought to be more discreet in saying this. But it does. It hurts. Not just a temporary way. Not just a I-had-a-bad-week kind of way. In a constant gouging aching way. In a this-is-gonna-hurt-for-a-while kind of way. Why? Because I am being polished. I see a pebble amongst the jewels because I have had the dirt and gravel of the world encased around me. Slowly, chip by chip, rag by rag, I am being polished up. I am being returned. I can't see it. I can't even recognize it most of the time, but it is happening. We are chipping away the dirt to reveal the diamond underneath.
And so I rejoice. I abhor the pain. I loathe the feeling of being in this corner again. But I rejoice because the ashes are falling around me. The story of what was is burning and from these ashes beauty will rise. I rejoice. I rejoice and I wait for the pebble to become a jewel.
