Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Step Seventy-Three: The Power of Words

Dear Readers,

I was talking to fellow wordsmith today about, what else, words. We were talking about the word "vibrant" and how much life and excitement we felt around this one simple word. How much meaning and depth a single word can have. This, of course, prompted me to think about words as a whole.

I've mentioned before that I believe words have the power to speak life or speak death. I think it's important to note that the power of words is a cornerstone of my blog. By writing and sharing my words I get to experience two very powerful and unique things.

The words I write, which are generally prayers, become building blocks in my life. When the words I write are uplifting and praise bringing, I find myself living that out. When the words I write or negative, I find myself struggling (note here that negative is not synonymous for hard, hard stuff can be just as uplifting as praise blogs like this). When I write out my thoughts and hopes on wanting to be bolder, wanting to be more valiant, I get to see them actualize in my life.

I also get to share myself, my story, and my Lord with you through my words. It is a privilege and an honor that you take precious moments of time to consider my words. I thank you for that.

So in the honor of words I decided to list off some of my favorite words. I, sometimes, get fixated on words. I find that they usually represent some theme in my life and I find myself using them or thinking about them constantly.

Vibrant - this has been my latest word. It is just so full of life! It rolls off my tongue and feels like an array of color bursting forth. It is dripping in beauty. It is strong, moving, powerful.

Tarnished - this also has been rolling around my head a lot recently. It isn't as straight-forward as "vibrant". There isn't even a concrete description of this one, however, my wordsmith friend described my feelings towards it very well. Sometimes, when silver interacts with different agents in it's environment the silver will tarnish. To an untrained eye, this would make the silver appear useless. However, under a master smithy the silver can be returned to it's original and beautiful state. It just needs some TLC.

Dwell - I love the idea of a dwelling place. I often think of the Narnian ruins and how easy it would be to spend all day there marveling at the sights. See a dwelling place is far more than a home, it is a place of peace and restoration. A place that you can never get enough of, a place that you never want to leave. That the spirit dwells inside of me is actually a great compliment. It isn't just that God won't leave me, it's that He doesn't want to leave me!

Captivating - I admit, the book Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge had a huge influence with this word. Captivating is poised in feminine power, it is overflowing with beauty. It is beauty that invites and entices you, beauty that intrigues you. It is the kind of beauty you can't stop taking in. You drink it in, hoping to gather enough details to remember everything about this exact moment, to freeze it in your memory to have forever. It is a basis for love.

Devastated - this ones harder to admit. It speaks of destruction and defilement, or great sorrow and lost. It is life at it's most painful.

Redeemed - redemption. To be bought back. There is life in this word. I speak it and I can feel it's power coursing through my tongue. There is only one redeemer and the price He paid for us was greater than we could imagine. Yet His love for us far exceeded the weight of that cost. Redemption... it's an oasis, a miracle spring, in miles of desert.

Protect - to protect and be protected... it's sacrificial. A protector gives everything of themselves. The protected are cherished, delighted in beyond all comparison. They are worthy of sacrifice.

Wounded - this one is, perhaps, self explanatory. However, to be wounded implies far more than being hurt. It is deeper, stronger.

Inscribed - I probably just love this word because it's another way of saying writing, but I also love the ideas behind inscription. Carving something into something. Putting time and intention into your words... it gives them weight and purpose. An inscription can never be erased, like a scar it will always be there.

Delight - I love this word. It's practically composed of innocence and fun. You can hear a child's laugh even as the word is spoken. Glee, celebration, over whelming joy. I love that we can delight in our Lord. We can celebrate Him. Find joy in Him. Be childlike in Him. But I also love that HE delights in us. That He celebrates us and dances over us. That He rejoices in us as His children!

So there you have it. 10 of my favorite words. What are some of your favorite words and how are they impacting your life? Remember words have power – written, spoken or thought.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Step Seventy-Two: When Everything Comes Undone

Dear Readers,

Every once in a while, everything seems to come undone. Like all the events in your life have randomly collided in this exact moment of time to create an explosion. When you're standing in the middle of it, it burns. You're heart feels overwhelmed, you're wondering how you could ever make it out. The pain is excruciating.

There is an unseen beauty in that pain. When everything comes undone, we see the raw power of God. We watch as He orchestrates each flame. And we also find ourselves in a place of absolute dependence. A place of desperation.

I can honestly say that I hate this place. It is contrary to my entire nature. It means being incapable of depending on myself. It means being forced to rely on some one else. I can also honestly say that there is no place I love more than being entirely dependent on God. It is, after all, in the furnace that God's hands wrap themselves around our entire being. It is nestled here in the palms of the Lord Almighty I remember everything I am, everything I am created to be.

I have a friend whom I love dearly. A friend who is struggling and for whom I would give the entire world. A friend who I have sacrificed much for. I prayers have interceded on His behalf many times. I have lifted him up, asking for blessings and peace. That my friend may come to know the Lord intimately and depend on the Lord ultimately. I have ached for my friend, shed many tears on his behalf, found myself weeping and broken. I have begged the Lord to spare him such pain.

This prayer has to change. If my friend is ever going to come to know the Lord, my friend must hurt. His life must collide and he must find himself driven to his knees. He must become desperate. I desperately wanted to protect him from his pain but the truth is, he is in pain. The only hope for his pain, the only balm to soothe aching hearts is the Lord's love.

This is my prayer for him:

That he may fall apart. That he would allow his pain to burden his heart. That he would become so broken he finds his knees kneeling upon the rug of the weeping before the awesome redeemer. I pray that he gets desperate so that he may find himself in the palms of one who loves him far more than I ever could. I pray that everything comes undone so that when he looks back he realizes this was his beginning.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Step Seventy-One: Ben & Jerry's

Dear Readers,

I am a big supporter of healthy eating. I think eating well is a huge part of a healthy and happy life but every once in a while I just need some ice cream. And not the $2-should-have-made-this-at-home stuff you can get. I'm talking rich, creamy, quality ice cream. I'm talking just barely skimming the surface off before delighting in a spoonful of delicious. I'm talking give me a spoon and Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Heath Bar ice cream and the world can keep spinning, everything's okay.

I believe that food can be a spiritual experience. Most of the time, I go about my day, shovel food into my mouth, and hardly pause to notice but every once in a while I take a bite of something extraordinary and my life is put on pause while I chew. I find it increasingly alarming how quickly I and the rest of society seem to wolf down food. How is it that collectively we get so caught up in doing things that we forget to do one of the five most basic things: taste? That's the way my life has been lately. Too busy to taste.

This summer has been busy with personal growth. I've decided to affectionately call the process God and I are on spring cleaning. We're going through my heart and dusting cob webs, sweeping floors and tightening screws. It's been good. Painful at points. Terrifying at others. But good. It's also been exhausting and today my feet were dragging. I'm an even bigger advocate of emotional health than I am of healthy eating and today my reserves were empty. I dreaded journaling. I didn't want to face my heart. And I definitely wasn't up for a candid conversation with God about it. I wasn't depressed. Actually, I'm quite pleased with the work God and I are doing on my heart. I'm just tired. Feeling somewhat guilty, I told God "not today" and what did He do?

He handed me a spoon and some ice cream. In His own hilarious and kind way He told me to chillax. So I sat, chillaxing and enjoying life's very simple pleasure of tasting. As I savored each bite, I remembered all the things I love about God. I don't exactly enjoy when God does the big spring cleaning things, I am grateful for them, but I don't enjoy them. But I do love it when God does the small things. I love that the small things are just as much a part of His character as the big. Here are a few of the small things that came to mind:

- God has a quirky sense of humor that ranges from full on sarcasm (need I remind you of the original talking donkey, he wasn't voiced by Eddie Murphey in Shrek) to the gentle teasing He showed me tonight when I think I have Him all figured out
- He provides small details such as night lights and ice cream and it is He's kissing my forehead
- He paints beauty and joy onto the pages of our life so seamlessly that all we have to do is savor a bite of our favorite food or sniff the hints of lilac playing on a breeze
- God has a beautiful laugh that embeds itself into the fabric of our life, a constant reminder of the joy that is already ours
- God laughs often and always has a joke up His sleeve
- God loves to make me laugh, it's actually one of His favorite pastimes
- God is gentle, even when disciplining us His love never abandons, never forsakes
- God is the inventor of days off, He knows what it means to kick it on the beach
- God is mine. Not in the possessive I own and control Him way. He is mine in His heart. He belongs entirely and completely to me. He is devoted to me. He offers Himself completely to me, without reserve or hesitation. He is everything I need at any given moment. A sympathetic ear, a soft and comforting lion to hug, a strong knight, a tender lover. He is all I could ask for.
- In the same moment that God is mine, He is also yours. He is able to offer Himself as fully to me as He offers Himself to you. He is no less diminished by love, but grows with it.

I hope this list got you thinking, it isn't nearly long enough to cover every aspect of God but it is a strong start. Maybe you're tired too. Maybe you're thinking "not today, God" too. If so, I'd urge you to take a moment. Maybe it is with Ben & Jerry too. Or maybe it's taking a hot bath. Or perhaps it's sitting in the grass with the sun shining down. Just take a moment and remember. There is a reason you fell in love with God, remember and celebrate that. I am inviting you to take my list and expand on it or start from scratch. And if you aren't sure you do love God, I'd invite you to check each of my reasons with your own heart. I promise you that He is all yours and all these things are true about Him. He is a personal God and this is an invitation to get personal. At the end of it all, at least you have an excuse to enjoy some ice cream. = )

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Step Seventy: Seeking Identity

Dear Readers,

The more time I spend getting to know myself, the more I realize how very far from truth I derive my identity. It's hard to admit but lately I've been chewing on an idea. I don't have trust issues with God. I just don't have faith. Oh to be sure I've crossed the instance of faith, that moment when a person decides for themselves that God is real. I do believe in God. I fail, over and over and over again, to believe in God's character. I fail to have faith beyond the initial moment. In fact, believing that God is real is a simple matter. I struggle to believe that He cares, that He is good, that He is involved, that He loves me. I struggle to have faith that He is who He says He is. That the great I am is really the great I am. But why? Why do I have such insecurities with God? Let's face if God has never failed me. He has never disappointed. In fact, He not only has never failed, He always exceeds my expectations.

A friend gave me the book entitled So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore and as I have been reading it I've come to one somewhat embarrassing conclusion. I project my insecurities onto the Lord. The doubts I have with God mirror my many fears of short comings within myself. I doubt God's willingness to provide for me because I, at my core, do not believe myself worthy of being cared for. Do you see what I mean? It isn't so much that I doubt God's ability to provide. Even I, with my less than a mustard seed faith, am not silly enough to genuinely believe that the Creator of life is incapable of providing. The truth is, God has made His power known. He has stood between me and death and refused to be moved. I have tasted a small bit of His power, He can do anything. The question that resides deep within me, the question that nips at my heart, is am I worth providing for? Would He use that power for me?

Truth says He would. History shows that He has. Yet still I doubt. Actually, doubt would be a generous term. I book it to the nearest exit and fling everything I can into the path between God and I. I'm being brutally honest here, hoping that someone will throw me a line and say "yeah I do that too." Why do I do that? I drive myself crazy sometimes. Even at the same moment I'm haphazardly flipping chairs behind me, I'm thinking "okay crazy lady what the heck are you doing?"

As God and I were dialoguing about my crazy actions I came to yet another somewhat embarrassing conclusion. I do it because I draw my identity from things of this world. I have to confess that this stings my pride. I have been a Christian for several years. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard amazing speakers talk about the importance of Identity. To be honest, even I have talked on the topic. I convinced myself that because I didn't "look" like the world, because I don't drink and I don't party that I must not draw my identity from the world. Because I wasn't aching to be popular or dying to be famous my faith must be fine. See those were the common examples. The obvious examples. I wasn't them so I must be okay. Not so. I am just as guilty of deriving my identity from the world. I didn't seek the opinions of my peers, I didn't long for fame. I searched for my identity in my family. I looked desperately for love, for acceptance from a world where there was none to be had. It's no wonder I have such crappy self-esteem. It's like putting dead batteries into a remote and getting frustrated when it doesn't work.

So I did what any rightly humbled servant would do, I prayed. I asked God what could I do to change that. I tend to like doing things. I am a fixer. I want to do something to make it right. Hand me a self-help book and give me some emotional exercises, I will make it right. And God says "sit with me a while." I'm thinking alright let's make a game plan, let's systematically attack this belief. And God says "sit with me." I didn't even last a minute before my brain started whirring, I actually wondered if you could find a section in Barnes and Noble about finding your identity. And... pause.

In case you can't see it, that's God with a challenge and that's me high tailing it out of there. Except instead of flipping chairs and tossing tables, I'm throwing research and knowledge to mask it. I'm subconsciously thinking "if this doesn't fix it, at least I can say I tried." I do this because I'm unwilling to accept that the only way to truly and completely draw my identity from God is to sit with Him. To sit with Him, to put all of myself on the line and ask the one question that I am simultaneously dying to hear the answer to (and I do mean dying. Without knowing it, my soul is withering away) and I am beyond terrified to ask. I am so insecure within myself that I am terrified to ask Him, the one who created me, if He genuinely sees worth in me. I was unwilling to have faith in His character. But no longer. There is too much within me questioning my own significance to be unfaithful any longer.

So, I return to Him. I sit with all of me, all my faults, all my fears. I sit in His magnificence and light. I sit and we talk. It's hard to stay when most of me wants to run. It's hard to wait when all of me wants to know. But the longer I sit in His light the more I find myself reflecting Him.