"God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. He is not rude, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps NO record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God NEVER fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8"
My friend left this as part of a note on my computer months ago. I love the note and often re-read it, celebrating in her love and in her encouragement. I have seen, heard and read this scripture on several occasions. I recently re-read my friend's note and for the first time the last two sentences captured my attention.
The truth is, I have a really hard time seeing God as my father. Actually, I have a hard time accepting that God's actions are fatherly. You see, they aren't to me. I don't associate protection, trust, hope, or perseverance with a father. And yet, God is asking me to.
We keep arguing (a rather futile thing to do, to do on my part, given the fact that He is God of the UNIVERSE) about this idea. I am absolutely terrified to accept Him as my Father. I have never known a father who protects. Never. Only a father I needed protection from. Yet, for all my arguing, He speaks softly, sweetly, calmly. He never rebukes me for my doubt or my fear, even for my fear of Him. He speaks to me like a child hiding in a corner, petrified of their own shadow. He whispers softly "It's okay sweet heart. I'm here. It's okay sweet heart." I want so badly to throw my arms around Him, to sob on His shoulder, to disappear in His strong arms... but I can't. I can't do it. I can't let my guard down. I can't quiet my fears.
I can't quiet my fears because I don't believe. Oh yes, I believe in God. I believe in Jesus as my Lord and my Savior. I even believe my God is good. But within this new context of intimacy... I scarcely know what to believe. I want to believe my Father is good, that He is trustworthy, that He will protect my very scared heart, but all reason and logic rebel against the thought. I can't believe that He is good. Not yet, anyways. So I sit in my corner, sobbing and terrified. And He crouches in front of me, shielding me from seeing anything but Him. He whispers softly "It's okay sweet heart. I'm here. It's okay sweet heart."
I know this post really isn't all that bold. It's actually pretty pathetic but this blog post, while about me, isn't about me. Sometimes, we can't be bold. Sometimes, we can't unfold ourselves from our hiding place long enough to experience all the wonders of the world. Sometimes we are creatures of fear. To those who are curled in the corner, I just want to encourage you. God the Father is... there. And He isn't leaving. He is crouching before you, His hand extended, whispering that everything is going to be okay. Our courage fails, our belief grows wane, and our fear swamps us but He never fails. He never walks away. He is good. He is trustworthy. He is protecting us. He is... love.
