Dear Readers,
It actually saddens my heart to realize that isn't an uh-duh posting, to understand that there is an evil beast existing within the world called self-loathing. It saddens me that just last night, I was talking about my own self-loathing. Did you know that 80% of what we think about ourselves is negative. 80%... wow. Just, wow - and this is just the average! Do we really believe ourselves to be so worthless and horrible that the mass majority of our thoughts are condemning?
I was on the phone with a friend of mine and we were talking about the whole old-self/new-self concept. I, being the somewhat corney person I am, confessed that I felt like Spiderman in Spiderman 3 where he is in the bell tower just trying to get the black goop off of him and he is pulling and pulling and it just keeps coming back. This reminded her of a passage from C.S. Lewis's Voyage of the Dawn Treader and so she started to read to me. (By the way, if you haven't read The Chronicles of Narnia you need to). This passage talked about Eustace turning back into a human after being turned into a dragon. I'll leave it to you to find the passage and pull from it what you will, instead I will merely relay a part of what I learned. There is one line in which Aslan tells Eustace that he (Eustace) must allow him (Aslan) to pull the skin off of him, that struck me. I thought about what it looks like for a parent to change a diaper, while it is positively disgusting, it is also very loving. In fact, I can think of only two reasons I have ever changed a diaper - money and love. I think about Aslan as he is digging his claws into Eustace's hide, as he pulls it back... it is disgusting and it is messy but it is also very tender. Aslan is stripping Eustace of the waste that is causing him such distress, waste that ultimately results in death (or diaper rash). Aslan is sacrificing his own personal comfort to clean Eustace, and he offers it so openly, so willingly. Such a simple act but such an act of love! Why did Aslan do this? Eustace was a spoiled and rotten little boy and quite frankly there was nothing that I could see in him that would be worth such discomfort... but Aslan, Aslan is a good and caring Lion and he could see so much more than I. He could see Eustace in his future adventure's, he could see the brave boy he was meant to become, he saw something in Eustace worth saving.
How does this translate to us? When we look at ourselves in that negative light we see ourselves how I saw Eustace. We are selfish, or spoiled, or rotten, or mean, or any negative adjective you so choose - there is nothing worth saving in us, that we can see. And yet here is God saying "you have to let me undress you." Why? Mostly because our God is so big and so good and so loving that He would sacrifice Himself on our behalfs... but there is this other part too. God sees who we are, he sees the black goop - the dragon skin and he sees the tools we can choose to become. He sees who we are, who we have been, who we are becoming. And somewhere in that He sees us as worthy... He sees that we have something to offer, not only Him but to the world. He sees that we are worth while. We have never deserved His only son's death, but we were worthy... there is something in us that was worth saving. (By the way, when I say us I mean you. Jesus did not die for the masses.)
Then I was struck by my friend's voice, coming through the speakers in the various character's voices, clear and perfect - a mother's voice reading a bed time story. Her sweet voice filling my ears and my heart... both soothing and daring. An unspoken "shh, shh, everything is okay, everything will be okay" and a call to be brave, to face those fears and self loathing and to allow God to pull my dragon skin off. I think back on our two-hour-long conversation and all the things she said and I wonder why. Why would anyone read to me, why would anyone spend two hours talking about goodbyes and self esteem with me, why would anyone spend two hours talking with me, period? That is when it hit me, it's not just that God sees something worth saving in me, He actually enjoys something about me too. In fact, He sees what my friend sees. She was acting on His behalf. Her love is a product of His, her pleasure from mentoring me is His, and only through Him can she me with any amount of clarity. My friend genuinely enjoys who I am, genuinely adores me for me. My God, therefore, genuinely enjoys who I am, genuinely adores me for who He has made me to be.
So, if I am so well loved by the people around me and by my God then why can I not also love myself? If other's genuinely enjoy who I am, then why can I not also enjoy who I am? Are you ready for the truth? I can!!! I do not have to hate who I am, I do not have to be miserable with myself. This idea I have clung to for so long is a LIE. My purpose in life was not misery. So my challenge to you, think of the lies that you are believing about yourself. Think of all those negative aspects and how they make you feel. Then I want you to seek out the truth. Are you really a miserable wrtech of a being simply because you like ice cream too much? NO!!! (Because when ice cream is involved there is no such thing as too much). You are beautiful and worthy of enjoyment. Sure you have your flaws, those little things you need to change (like an affinity for healthy food) but we all do. This where you have to learn some grace, and believe me that is a blog entry in and of itself (one that may be a ways off for me because I suck at grace).Then when you have replaced that lie with truth I want you to do something to celebrate. Go out to dinner, or buy those little party poppers and make a confetti mess. Just do something to enjoy yourself. Do something to praise the God who has made you exactly who you are, the God who is stripping you of your own dragon skins (celebrating might even make the stripping less painful).
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