I have a hard time writing this blog. Aside from the actual contents being heavy, I struggle to see how this could possibly encourage anyone... I mean when was the last time someone ran up to you and shook your hand and said "Congratulations! This next year is going to be absolute hell for you! Way to go!" It just doesn't happen, so why would I tell you to not only face the hard stuff and tackle it head on but to live and thrive in it? Alas, God doesn't always justify his requests.
I hate goodbyes. I don't know many people who do like them but I seem to have taken up a special kind of hatred. See to the majority of people, a goodbye is more like a see-ya-later... it is just assumed that you'll meet again and when you do things will still be good. (This idea that friends are forever...). However, for a select few (people like me) goodbyes are permanent. Once you have said goodbye, there is no more. That friend is gone and all you can do is cling to whatever little memories you have. It all intertwines with my trust issues, which, if you haven't figured out yet, convolute just about everything I do. Back to the point – I hate goodbyes and in the coming months I have way, way, way too many goodbyes to say. In this last week, I have said goodbye to both of my CCU friends, a very sad affair since in all likelihood, when and if they return I will be gone to California. It's heartbreaking really, because I am rather fond of these two ladies. So yesterday I met one of my friends for coffee. As our date came to an end, all I could think was "will I ever see her again?" When we hug one last time, I swear I'm about to start crying, but since I'm me... I just start walking towards the nearest bus stop. As I'm walking, I think of something a friend told me about a week ago. She had said that friends move in and out of our lives. Then I thought about my conversation with my lovely college friend and about how we talked about faith. I realized I had to make a choice to have faith that she will once more enter my life and that even if she doesn't that we have both been changed for the better for just knowing one another and that wherever our paths lie God would take care of us. It was not an easy choice to make.
As I sat waiting for the bus, I thought back to our parting prayer together. In light of my recent decision to attend a Californian school, my mom and I have been struggling to see eye to eye and she and I were discussing this issue. When my friend prayed for me, she also lifted up the situation with my mother. If she had merely asked God to change her heart or to stop acting such-and-such a way, I would not have even blinked. Instead, my tender friend blew me out of the water by praying that God would comfort her as I leave town, that he would give her peace of mind and let her know that He is in control. Now, I knew that my mom was struggling with my leaving and that the problems had little to do with what we were actually fighting about, but it never crossed my mind to pray that God might comfort her. I was so ashamed! This was my very own mother! How could my friend see her struggle and needs so clearly while I had just dismissed them! So last night I began to pray for the situation with my mom, and this time I refused to ask God to change my situation, refused to ask him to change her heart. Instead I asked him for some perspective on what her needs were, on how I could pray in a way that would be effective... and then I waited. I have wronged my mother, definitely in these last few months (but probably longer), by not praying for her the way I ought to have. My prayers have all been so selfish and conceited, "change her for my benefit. Shape her for my wants. Me, me, me." I need to learn to see her, see her needs and wants, see her wounds and pains and to pray accordingly.
So how does it all connect? Whether we are physically, emotionally or spiritually challenged, we are almost always facing something hard... something we want to run from or flat out deny. It is so very tempting to run or deny these things, sometimes we don't even realize what we're doing. Maybe sometimes this is helpful for a while (like a child hiding beneath the blankets), sometimes this habit is even necessary to survive whatever it is (the good Lord knows I have hidden under many blankets) but at a certain point you stop being the child hiding and you start to become the cowering adult. We grow up, and we grow out, and we have to relinquish those blankets before we make a fool of ourselves.
So maybe the next time you are facing a challenge (of any sort) maybe it's God tugging on the corner saying "it's time to come out now, Little One," and rather than fighting Him you should let it go. I'm not saying it is going to be so simple or so easy, I'm not even hinting that. Make no mistakes, this one is a hard one to live out. However, I rather enjoy not looking like a fool, and I rather like not disappointing the people I love, and I bet you rather enjoy these things too. So let's learn to live out the hard stuff, to lower our blankets inch by inch.
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