Step Nineteen: Live the Hard Stuff

Dear Readers,

I have a hard time writing this blog. Aside from the actual contents being heavy, I struggle to see how this could possibly encourage anyone... I mean when was the last time someone ran up to you and shook your hand and said "Congratulations! This next year is going to be absolute hell for you! Way to go!" It just doesn't happen, so why would I tell you to not only face the hard stuff and tackle it head on but to live and thrive in it? Alas, God doesn't always justify his requests.

I hate goodbyes. I don't know many people who do like them but I seem to have taken up a special kind of hatred. See to the majority of people, a goodbye is more like a see-ya-later... it is just assumed that you'll meet again and when you do things will still be good. (This idea that friends are forever...). However, for a select few (people like me) goodbyes are permanent. Once you have said goodbye, there is no more. That friend is gone and all you can do is cling to whatever little memories you have. It all intertwines with my trust issues, which, if you haven't figured out yet, convolute just about everything I do. Back to the point – I hate goodbyes and in the coming months I have way, way, way too many goodbyes to say. In this last week, I have said goodbye to both of my CCU friends, a very sad affair since in all likelihood, when and if they return I will be gone to California. It's heartbreaking really, because I am rather fond of these two ladies. So yesterday I met one of my friends for coffee. As our date came to an end, all I could think was "will I ever see her again?" When we hug one last time, I swear I'm about to start crying, but since I'm me... I just start walking towards the nearest bus stop. As I'm walking, I think of something a friend told me about a week ago. She had said that friends move in and out of our lives. Then I thought about my conversation with my lovely college friend and about how we talked about faith. I realized I had to make a choice to have faith that she will once more enter my life and that even if she doesn't that we have both been changed for the better for just knowing one another and that wherever our paths lie God would take care of us. It was not an easy choice to make. 

As I sat waiting for the bus, I thought back to our parting prayer together. In light of my recent decision to attend a Californian school, my mom and I have been struggling to see eye to eye and she and I were discussing this issue. When my friend prayed for me, she also lifted up the situation with my mother. If she had merely asked God to change her heart or to stop acting such-and-such a way, I would not have even blinked. Instead, my tender friend blew me out of the water by praying that God would comfort her as I leave town, that he would give her peace of mind and let her know that He is in control. Now, I knew that my mom was struggling with my leaving and that the problems had little to do with what we were actually fighting about, but it never crossed my mind to pray that God might comfort her. I was so ashamed! This was my very own mother! How could my friend see her struggle and needs so clearly while I had just dismissed them! So last night I began to pray for the situation with my mom, and this time I refused to ask God to change my situation, refused to ask him to change her heart. Instead I asked him for some perspective on what her needs were, on how I could pray in a way that would be effective... and then I waited. I have wronged my mother, definitely in these last few months (but probably longer), by not praying for her the way I ought to have. My prayers have all been so selfish and conceited, "change her for my benefit. Shape her for my wants. Me, me, me."  I need to learn to see her, see her needs and wants, see her wounds and pains and to pray accordingly. 

So how does it all connect? Whether we are physically, emotionally or spiritually challenged, we are almost always facing something hard... something we want to run from or flat out deny. It is so very tempting to run or deny these things, sometimes we don't even realize what we're doing. Maybe sometimes this is helpful for a while (like a child hiding beneath the blankets), sometimes this habit is even necessary to survive whatever it is (the good Lord knows I have hidden under many blankets) but at a certain point you stop being the child hiding and you start to become the cowering adult. We grow up, and we grow out, and we have to relinquish those blankets before we make a fool of ourselves. 

So maybe the next time you are facing a challenge (of any sort) maybe it's God tugging on the corner saying "it's time to come out now, Little One," and rather than fighting Him you should let it go. I'm not saying it is going to be so simple or so easy, I'm not even hinting that. Make no mistakes, this one is a hard one to live out. However, I rather enjoy not looking like a fool, and I rather like not disappointing the people I love, and I bet you rather enjoy these things too. So let's learn to live out the hard stuff, to lower our blankets inch by inch. 

Step Eighteen: Enjoy Yourself

Dear Readers,

It actually saddens my heart to realize that isn't an uh-duh posting, to understand that there is an evil beast existing within the world called self-loathing. It saddens me that just last night, I was talking about my own self-loathing. Did you know that 80% of what we think about ourselves is negative. 80%... wow. Just, wow - and this is just the average! Do we really believe ourselves to be so worthless and horrible that the mass majority of our thoughts are condemning?


I was on the phone with a friend of mine and we were talking about the whole old-self/new-self concept. I, being the somewhat corney person I am, confessed that I felt like Spiderman in Spiderman 3 where he is in the bell tower just trying to get the black goop off of him and he is pulling and pulling and it just keeps coming back. This reminded her of a passage from C.S. Lewis's Voyage of the Dawn Treader and so she started to read to me. (By the way, if you haven't read The Chronicles of Narnia you need to). This passage talked about Eustace turning back into a human after being turned into a dragon. I'll leave it to you to find the passage and pull from it what you will, instead I will merely relay a part of what I learned. There is one line in which Aslan tells Eustace that he (Eustace) must allow him (Aslan) to pull the skin off of him, that struck me. I thought about what it looks like for a parent to change a diaper, while it is positively disgusting, it is also very loving. In fact, I can think of only two reasons I have ever changed a diaper - money and love. I think about Aslan as he is digging his claws into Eustace's hide, as he pulls it back... it is disgusting and it is messy but it is also very tender. Aslan is stripping Eustace of the waste that is causing him such distress, waste that ultimately results in death (or diaper rash). Aslan is sacrificing his own personal comfort to clean Eustace, and he offers it so openly, so willingly. Such a simple act but such an act of love! Why did Aslan do this? Eustace was a spoiled and rotten little boy and quite frankly there was nothing that I could see in him that would be worth such discomfort... but Aslan, Aslan is a good and caring Lion and he could see so much more than I. He could see Eustace in his future adventure's, he could see the brave boy he was meant to become, he saw something in Eustace worth saving.


How does this translate to us? When we look at ourselves in that negative light we see ourselves how I saw Eustace. We are selfish, or spoiled, or rotten, or mean, or any negative adjective you so choose - there is nothing worth saving in us, that we can see. And yet here is God saying "you have to let me undress you." Why? Mostly because our God is so big and so good and so loving that He would sacrifice Himself on our behalfs... but there is this other part too. God sees who we are, he sees the black goop - the dragon skin and he sees the tools we can choose to become. He sees who we are, who we have been, who we are becoming. And somewhere in that He sees us as worthy... He sees that we have something to offer, not only Him but to the world. He sees that we are worth while. We have never deserved His only son's death, but we were worthy... there is something in us that was worth saving. (By the way, when I say us I mean you. Jesus did not die for the masses.)

Then I was struck by my friend's voice, coming through the speakers in the various character's voices, clear and perfect - a mother's voice reading a bed time story. Her sweet voice filling my ears and my heart... both soothing and daring. An unspoken "shh, shh, everything is okay, everything will be okay" and a call to be brave, to face those fears and self loathing and to allow God to pull my dragon skin off. I think back on our two-hour-long conversation and all the things she said and I wonder why. Why would anyone read to me, why would anyone spend two hours talking about goodbyes and self esteem with me, why would anyone spend two hours talking with me, period? That is when it hit me, it's not just that God sees something worth saving in me, He actually enjoys something about me too. In fact, He sees what my friend sees. She was acting on His behalf. Her love is a product of His, her pleasure from mentoring me is His, and only through Him can she me with any amount of clarity. My friend genuinely enjoys who I am, genuinely adores me for me. My God, therefore, genuinely enjoys who I am, genuinely adores me for who He has made me to be.

So, if I am so well loved by the people around me and by my God then why can I not also love myself? If other's genuinely enjoy who I am, then why can I not also enjoy who I am? Are you ready for the truth? I can!!! I do not have to hate who I am, I do not have to be miserable with myself. This idea I have clung to for so long is a LIE. My purpose in life was not misery. So my challenge to you, think of the lies that you are believing about yourself. Think of all those negative aspects and how they make you feel. Then I want you to seek out the truth. Are you really a miserable wrtech of a being simply because you like ice cream too much? NO!!! (Because when ice cream is involved there is no such thing as too much). You are beautiful and worthy of enjoyment. Sure you have your flaws, those little things you need to change (like an affinity for healthy food) but we all do. This where you have to learn some grace, and believe me that is a blog entry in and of itself (one that may be a ways off for me because I suck at grace).Then when you have replaced that lie with truth I want you to do something to celebrate. Go out to dinner, or buy those little party poppers and make a confetti mess. Just do something to enjoy yourself. Do something to praise the God who has made you exactly who you are, the God who is stripping you of your own dragon skins (celebrating might even make the stripping less painful).

Step Three AND Step Four (oooh aren't I impressive?!?!)

Dear Readers,

Step 3: Be "In the Moment"

Today on the flight home there were two girls my age or a little older. They were obviously friends and I realized they were both texting! I mean, we are getting ready to take off and they are texting away! The reality is that their interaction happened entirely between text messages! And after we took off they both put in head phones and stared in completely opposite directions! Come on!!! 3 hours of uninterrupted talking time and you want to listen to Justin Burper and Lady Gagme?!?! 

My heart actually broke a little as I realized that many of us do the exact same thing. Our relationships are forced to exist between the next 3 minute pop song and the next text message. How sorrowful that our technology is of higher priority than our relationships! So here is my challenge – if you want to live bold, you have to be present. So when you go out for coffee or lunch, put the phone or ipod away... the technological world can wait for an hour. When you are at home with your family, leave the computer monitor and the television off... the newest web story and the breaking news will be on again at 10pm. When you are in the car with your kids or siblings, turn the radio off... its amazing how much you learn about a person's heart in fifteen minutes! Technology is fantastic but we are letting it take priority in our life and that's just not right! So learn to be fully present in the moment, learn to truly be with another person, and don't let all that tech-y stuff distract you! 

Now I don't pretend like I have this down, I don't. In fact, there are times I deliberately use my technology to look busy so I won't have to socialize, so I won't have to be bothered with the task of actually paying attention and caring about the world and the people around me. I am learning. But I do know, when I look back on my life with God and He is pointing out all the awesome moments that I missed because someone just texted me and I just "have" to answer it! 

Step 4: Make It Into a Game (bonus points for the inclusion of bodily functions!) 

As a babysitter, the ultimate goal of the night is to get the kids into bed without having any serious injuries, fights, or temper tantrums. The easiest way to accomplish this is to make everything into a game. You have to eat your green beans – now we are in the rain forest and these green snakes are the only food we have left! You have to brush your teeth – who can hold the most toothpaste bubbles in their mouths without laughing? You have to take a bath – hmm does someone need a bath cause it sure is stinky!!! See 9 times out of 10 if you look like you are having fun doing it and you can get the kid to laugh about the task, your battle is won (for the remaining 10% scare tactics usually work... just kidding! =] ). Today as three worn out adults (myself included) fought one energetic but angry little boy to be quiet during the air planes decent, I witnessed something awesome: when we looked out the window and pretended to be excited about how close the ground was, the little boy went quiet (granted this didn't fix the ultimate problem but it helped). See, I think kids might be smarter than we are... why do we do things that we don't like? And more importantly, why aren't we making what we do fun? Some things just have to be done (like wearing deodorant) and they aren't always the most thrilling of chores but we have control of our actions and attitudes, so change your 'tude dude and make it fun (you don't just put on deodorant, you draw pictures in your pits ['cause that's not creepy at all!!!])! So my second challenge: think of something you don't enjoy and then make it into a game – let your creative senses roam and remember that you choose your 'tude and even chores can be made fun!

Alas my good friends, it is time to "hit" the "sack." Good night all!