I know this is hard to grasp but run with me for a minute.
I was standing off to the side – observing, not participating. It registered somewhere in the back of my mind that I should take a seat, but I couldn't bring myself to sit. More specifically, I couldn't bring myself to determine who to sit with. I'm acutely aware that I belong to neither group. So I stand and watch. When she sees me, she smiles and her whole face changes. There was no doubt in my mind that she was genuinely happy to see me. She hugs me and says good morning. At some point I realize that she isn't going to walk away and we link hands. Then we are hugging again, this time without end. I rest my head on her shoulder and let myself collapse. She is so gentle and comforting and my heart is weary from all the beating it's been doing. I become helpless, vulnerable, weak even. In this moment, just staying upright is an effort. Then she begins to sing. My heart and soul quiet gradually. I stop to breath for the first time in a long time. Her voice soothes me, comforts me, encourages me – a mothers lullaby. This is one of those time-freezing moments.
Through my helplessness, through my complete inability to control anything in my life, not even my emotions, I got a chance to experience something beautiful, something redeeming, with a friend. There is a beauty in helplessness. In falling apart entirely and needing someone else. There is this tender act of love exchanged in dependency. One that reassures our hearts and blesses our friends.
Here is my simple truth: you cannot do this alone. You have no control, and thank God for that! When we have no control we make room for helplessness and, as contrary as it may seem, in relinquishing control, we make room for beauty.
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