Step Nineteen: Live the Hard Stuff

Dear Readers,

I have a hard time writing this blog. Aside from the actual contents being heavy, I struggle to see how this could possibly encourage anyone... I mean when was the last time someone ran up to you and shook your hand and said "Congratulations! This next year is going to be absolute hell for you! Way to go!" It just doesn't happen, so why would I tell you to not only face the hard stuff and tackle it head on but to live and thrive in it? Alas, God doesn't always justify his requests.

I hate goodbyes. I don't know many people who do like them but I seem to have taken up a special kind of hatred. See to the majority of people, a goodbye is more like a see-ya-later... it is just assumed that you'll meet again and when you do things will still be good. (This idea that friends are forever...). However, for a select few (people like me) goodbyes are permanent. Once you have said goodbye, there is no more. That friend is gone and all you can do is cling to whatever little memories you have. It all intertwines with my trust issues, which, if you haven't figured out yet, convolute just about everything I do. Back to the point – I hate goodbyes and in the coming months I have way, way, way too many goodbyes to say. In this last week, I have said goodbye to both of my CCU friends, a very sad affair since in all likelihood, when and if they return I will be gone to California. It's heartbreaking really, because I am rather fond of these two ladies. So yesterday I met one of my friends for coffee. As our date came to an end, all I could think was "will I ever see her again?" When we hug one last time, I swear I'm about to start crying, but since I'm me... I just start walking towards the nearest bus stop. As I'm walking, I think of something a friend told me about a week ago. She had said that friends move in and out of our lives. Then I thought about my conversation with my lovely college friend and about how we talked about faith. I realized I had to make a choice to have faith that she will once more enter my life and that even if she doesn't that we have both been changed for the better for just knowing one another and that wherever our paths lie God would take care of us. It was not an easy choice to make. 

As I sat waiting for the bus, I thought back to our parting prayer together. In light of my recent decision to attend a Californian school, my mom and I have been struggling to see eye to eye and she and I were discussing this issue. When my friend prayed for me, she also lifted up the situation with my mother. If she had merely asked God to change her heart or to stop acting such-and-such a way, I would not have even blinked. Instead, my tender friend blew me out of the water by praying that God would comfort her as I leave town, that he would give her peace of mind and let her know that He is in control. Now, I knew that my mom was struggling with my leaving and that the problems had little to do with what we were actually fighting about, but it never crossed my mind to pray that God might comfort her. I was so ashamed! This was my very own mother! How could my friend see her struggle and needs so clearly while I had just dismissed them! So last night I began to pray for the situation with my mom, and this time I refused to ask God to change my situation, refused to ask him to change her heart. Instead I asked him for some perspective on what her needs were, on how I could pray in a way that would be effective... and then I waited. I have wronged my mother, definitely in these last few months (but probably longer), by not praying for her the way I ought to have. My prayers have all been so selfish and conceited, "change her for my benefit. Shape her for my wants. Me, me, me."  I need to learn to see her, see her needs and wants, see her wounds and pains and to pray accordingly. 

So how does it all connect? Whether we are physically, emotionally or spiritually challenged, we are almost always facing something hard... something we want to run from or flat out deny. It is so very tempting to run or deny these things, sometimes we don't even realize what we're doing. Maybe sometimes this is helpful for a while (like a child hiding beneath the blankets), sometimes this habit is even necessary to survive whatever it is (the good Lord knows I have hidden under many blankets) but at a certain point you stop being the child hiding and you start to become the cowering adult. We grow up, and we grow out, and we have to relinquish those blankets before we make a fool of ourselves. 

So maybe the next time you are facing a challenge (of any sort) maybe it's God tugging on the corner saying "it's time to come out now, Little One," and rather than fighting Him you should let it go. I'm not saying it is going to be so simple or so easy, I'm not even hinting that. Make no mistakes, this one is a hard one to live out. However, I rather enjoy not looking like a fool, and I rather like not disappointing the people I love, and I bet you rather enjoy these things too. So let's learn to live out the hard stuff, to lower our blankets inch by inch. 

Step Seven: ___(It's a Surprise!)___

Dear Readers,

Let's call this my warning label: I wrote this after watching a cheesily inspirational movie (The Blind Side) at midnight.

Scene 1: 

There's this totally hot celebrity, of sorts, and he is just chillaxin' with a few of his peeps and some paparazzi is following him taking pictures like mad. They are strolling down Hollywood Boulevard (or some other place like that) and out of no where this disgusting vile looking man pops out! He's got these oozing pussy scabs just covering his body and the crowds they all scream in disgust and take off (or look the other way or something). Now the diseased man falls down at this celebrities feet and says "you can heal me." Now the celebrity looks at the man and touches his shoulder and says "you are healed." And suddenly the man's flesh begins to heal and it's like the disease is rewinding itself, the puss oozing backwards, the scabs... un-scabbing, and the next thing you know this healthy handsome young man is at the celebrity's feet. Now the celebrity says "shhh run along and give thanks, but don't tell anyone but the priests." (Matthew 8:1-4)

Scene 2:

Sitting off to the side, in an alley way sit two blind beggars. Once more our celebrity and his crowd of followers come strolling past. The two cry out "Have mercy on us!" But this time the crowd shoos them away, who is their celebrity to be associating with such filth! But now the two beggars are even more persistent and their cries are louder than that of the crowds (I like to think that celebrities exist in this world of hushed silences sometimes) and once more they scream "Have mercy on us!" Finally the celebrity stops and he asks "What do you want from me? What could I do for you?" The two beggars, now commanding the entire attention of the crowd say in unison "we want you to give us our sight." So the celebrity touched their eyes and PRESTO prehistoric contacts! So the two men stood up and joined in with the hushed crowd supporters. (Matthew 20: 29-34)

Scene 3: 

Now once more our celebrity is surrounded by people, everyone is pressing in on him, jostling and pushing him just to get a glimpse. One very brave (or very foolish) woman pushes her way through the crowd trying to reach the celebrity. She had been bleeding for twelve whole years and no amount of priests or doctors had been able to help, she was getting desperate. So she drew close to our famous friend and very gently she brushes his cloak, sinking back into the crowd as she feels her body mending. Now our celebrity, a very wise and self-aware man, whips around and asks "who touched me?" Everyone jumps back, and finally one of his close friend whispers in one of those supposedly-soothing-but-really-condescending-with-implications-hinting-at-your-sanity-or-lack-there-of "uhh...  dude we are in a crowd of people, anyone could have bumped you...." But the celebrity says "uh-uh I know what I felt, who touched me?" The woman has been watching all of this, terrified, trying to decide if he could really know or if she oughta just book it outta there. Finally she moves forward and trembling and falls at his feet, in a quivering voice she explains in front of everyone what she had gone through and that she had merely sought healing. The celebrity looks down at her and says "Your faith has healed you. Go in peace." (Luke 8:42-48) 

What do all these things have in common?!?! Aside from the whole healing, Jesus, bible thing? These people expected miracles. In scene one the leper says to Jesus 'I know you have the ability, I know that it is perfectly within your capabilities to heal me, so are you willing?" In scene two, after the blind men have Jesus's attention they pray boldly (extra points for bringing in an old blog reference?!?!) and they lay it out on the table and say 'give us our sight.' They know full and well that He is perfectly capable and they don't dilly-dally around with hoping for's and wishing on's – they simply expect Him to answer. In scene three, the woman doesn't even want to speak to Jesus, she just wants to touch Him, why?!?! Because she knows that merely touching Him will heal her.

There are a million and one ways to make a wish (wishing on a shooting star, 11:11, and blowing out birthday candles to name a few) and when you "hope for" something it could be a broad range of things... perhaps you are hoping for a large tax return, or prince (or princess) charming, perhaps you hope to play pro-four square or you hope to get into Harvard. Now-a-days hope is almost as general as a wish, but what I've found is those kinds of hopes and dreams and wishes only sometimes come true, let's be honest when was the last time kissing that frog turned him into prince charming?!?! The yield just isn't very high. 

So part two: when expecting miracles, evaluate. Expecting a frog to morph into a prince probably isn't going to yield anything better than hope, in fact chances are the number of little jumpy fellows you are kissing is probably gonna drastically increase (okay so it got hit by a car, what's a little bit of guts to the luscious locks of McDreamy?!?). Instead my challenge to you is evaluate what you really and truly need in your life. Now I know this seems a little contradictory, evaluation is about realism and miracles... well you may not have noticed but miracles aren't... but part of the amazing thing about all the miracles that Jesus performed is that they were need based. In my studies of the bible, Jesus never gives anyone the golden ticket to tour the Willy Wonka candy factory (mmmm chocolate river), He never spills the secret of who's going to dominate in the gladiator arena, no! All of His miracles are, first and foremost, practical (okay so maybe the whole walking on water thing was kind of showing off, but He had to get to the boat somehow, if you were God of the universe wouldn't you show off too?). Water to wine for some poor family friends = practical. Healing of lepers = practical. Healing of the blind, mute, deaf, dumb, demon possessed, and paralyzed = all very practical. All of these people had genuine needs, needs that they expected Jesus to meet. So what I'm saying is... be practical but expect miracles. Don't ask God to fill things in your life that aren't genuine (like Zac Effron learning how to sing) but expect him to answer those prayers which really do have a place (like finding money for groceries). 

So... that's it... expect miracles for all them practical prayers. = ) 

p.s. I'll try to keep these things shorter in the future... and less tangent filled. = D 

Step Six: Be Sensitive

Dear Readers,

Have you ever had a friend randomly pop into your head? And then once you've thought about them you can't get them out? Or perhaps have you ever just felt that something was wrong or bothering a friend even though you have no idea why you felt that way? I like to think of these feelings as my "spidey senses. " See I think God tickles our spidey senses when He is calling us to action, that is, when He has something particular in mind for us to do on behalf of our friends. 

I don't know how but humans, especially friends, seem to have this core connection. Perhaps this is the thing that enables us to love so deeply, or perhaps it is that special "connection" that we seem to feel in the presence of particular people. Needless to say, it exists and I truly believe it is something to listen to. 

So the next time that friend pops into your head, ask the Lord what He wants you to do. Perhaps you need simply pray for them, perhaps you ought to call or email them and let them know you are thinking of them, perhaps He will move you to treat them to coffee or lunch. No matter what the call is, I urge you to listen to Him. Not only will you bless your friend and tickle their heart, you will also bless yourself. Just think back to a time in which you acted selflessly and were able to make a difference in someone's day... didn't it make you feel pleased? When we choose to live selflessly, we put our life into perspective. Once we've done that we realize that we have the choice to make a difference in the world, even small ones like making friends smile, and then we are truly living to our full potential.

So learn to be sensitive to your spidey senses, and in turn your friends.

Step Two: Seek Relentlessly and Ask Openly

Dear Reader,

A while back I realized my personal prayer life was faltering, I just could not get my heart or mind to focus. I would set aside 30 minutes for prayer and by the time I actually got my mind and heart in the same frame of mind I would only have 5 minutes left for prayer. I was frustrated and flummoxed, for an 18 year old girl growing up in the give-me-it-now generation, I'd say I have a decent amount of concentration. I just could not figure out what was going on inside of me and I certainly do not like my body doing things I don't have control over! During this A.D.H.D. spell I heard a sermon, I cannot remember the actual topic but I do remember the man was talking about prayer. More specifically he was talking about the how to of prayer. 

This man began to talk about prayer as a tangible. As Christians, this man and I both had the same problem--prayer is often considered a... well this unspoken, unseen, movement. Perhaps a feeling. So the man began to talk about this wooden beaded rosary he had bought (he was not catholic) to give his prayer life some tangibility. He also spoke about other techniques (such as meditating or walking) to help focus, but for whatever reason the rosary idea stuck with me (perhaps it is the image I have of my grammy and grampy praying the rosary). I decided to seek out a rosary of my own, and so for my trip to California I was determined to find and buy a rosary (why it had to be in California, I have no idea). I searched every bead stand we passed in San Francisco (which, if you have ever been to San Francisco, you know is a lot) as well as every non-target, non-walmart store we crossed. No dice. Finally, tonight, my last night, my mentor asked a family friend if she happened to know where we could buy a rosary. The woman opened her purse and pulled out a gorgeous blue and silver rosary and placed it in my hands. She said she had several rosaries and that this was one that simply traveled with her and that she would be honored to give it to me. Now I sit with it intertwined in my fingers and I am realizing that my search for a rosary taught me many lessons: 

1. I didn't need a rosary to pray, I needed to change the way I thought about praying. I lost myself in the ideology that prayer is about feeling and moving hearts, which it is, but it is also about obedience and sacrifice. Sometimes prayer is a deeply moving emotional and spiritual experience in which your heart is overwhelmed, and sometimes prayer is a ritual, a habit, a routine and concealed somewhere within the discipline and consistency is a change of heart. Perhaps, it is even that, that discipline and habitual nature is meant to be the movement.  Perhaps in the sacrificing of our time, our desires and whims, and even our words, we grow and we change... 
2. A bold life, a grand adventure, a good relationship all require that we seek relentlessly – that is without end. Just as I combed the bead seller's stalls in San Francisco, a bold life calls us to seek after something without ceasing, as does a good story, or even a good relationship (with either humans or God). Our life is all about the "search." Think about it honestly, could you not think of something you are looking for or searching for or seeking after or even simply wanting (the simple English way of saying "looking") something? In the last week, I can name five things I have sought after. I am always searching. There is probably some Freudian-mumbo-jumbo or philosophical non-sense that would say that this is a sign of incompleteness in my life, but I would say that, that search is a calling and since this is Lee's blog and not Freud's I am going to write about it like I am right (yay)! Our constant seeking is testament to the stories we all desire to lead. Any good story has to have a main purpose and if you think about those purposes, they are all about quests and searches. The search for the perfect man (or woman), the quest to discover one's identity, the search for treasure or the lottery, the quest to save ones gym, the search for friendship or belonging... it goes on and on and on. In fact, I'd be willing to bet there isn't a single movie in existence that doesn't involve some amount of a search somewhere within the plot or sub-plot. So here is my advice: once you know what you are looking for, seek relentlessly. That's not to say obsess over it, but don't give in when you don't find it immediately, keep searching and let the adventure unfold... you never know when some kind stranger may make it all worth while (and worth blogging about too)! 
3. Don't be afraid to ask other's to join you in your search. We all know that life is better when we have other's beside us, but so often society makes searching into a bad thing – a sign of weakness. Suddenly we are isolating ourself, refusing to allow anyone to help and refusing to offer our help. However, had I not spoken of my quest for the rosary (the next Monty Python movie?!?!) to my mentor, the kind woman would never have heard and I would be flying home rosary-less. Through my courageous act of voicing my desires, and through my mentors courageous act of asking for help in meeting those desires God was able to use one woman's kindness. It all started with asking for help. However, I must warn you that in asking for help, you must also be willing to give it, to join others in their searches. 

Anywho... I hope this all makes sense, cause it's late and I am sleepy. 

Step One: Pray Boldly

Dear Readers,

So about a year ago I started thinking about what every high school senior starts to think about: what I wanted to do with "my life." (Also known as what I am going to do after high school). The what (college) was easy, the where was the bigger question, and so the search for the "right" college began. In this search I learned a few things:

1. The search for the right college is very public. It's as if the conveying of your grade is an open invitation to a game of twenty questions... in fact, life itself will not go on unless you reveal any and all places of interest, your intended major, your scholarship efforts, and whether or not you plan to live at home or in a dorm. 
2. The actual process of searching is probably one of the more asinine things in this grand ol' world. Colleges can effectively be split up six ways: two year or four year, cheap or expensive, liberal arts or science/math geared. Beyond that the prospective students are left to sift through thousands of brochures, emails, letters, phone calls, and websites to find the right college. Let's just be honest, finding the right college is one big research project. 
3. Finding the right college is worth every ounce of hard work you put in. It just is. You may sweat, cry, grow discouraged, and want your mama but finding that college that works with you and invites you to feel at home justifies all the thumb sucking. 

So after months of looking I found the college my heart desperately wanted to go to: William Jessup University. There was just one tiny problem... it was private and therefore more expensive. To say that finances are tight in my family is like calling a tornado a slight breeze. Not realizing it then, I took a risk and asked God for something He had every right to deny. 

I don't know how many of you do this, but over the past few months I realize that most of what I ask God for is easy to answer stuff, and if it doesn't happen then I can blame it on myself or some other outside factor. I don't have to risk hearing God say "no." What i mean is, my prayers usually go something like this: 

"God please bless _______", "Jesus help me pass this test", "Lord teach me patience with ______", etc. 

None of them put anything on the line. None of them take risks. All of those prayers, though important to pray, are safe. If I fail the test, it is because I didn't do or know enough. God didn't say no. What I am really saying in that instance, is that it is my inadequacy that kept me from passing, it was not God's answer. See if God's answer is no, that challenges my faith, it forces me to choose to obey and continue loving a God who didn't pass me in trigonometry. (Oh tragedy!)  

But in the summer, I came to a scary realization: there was nothing I could do that would enable me to go to Jessup. Nothing. There were simply too many obstacles. Dismayed I got down on my knees and I asked God that if this was His will for me that He would make it happen. I asked Him to give me a miracle. And as I prayed, my prayers grew ever more risky. I begged Him to move hearts to acceptance, I pleaded with Him to open doors that were nailed shut, and I beseeched Him to provide the funds to pay for it. I became vulnerable, God could say no, He could choose to send me another way and my faith and obedience would be tested. 

I prayed and I waited, until finally one-by-one heart's began to change. Not every heart, but enough of them to lend me encouragement and hope. So I sent in my application and I waited. Then I received my acceptance package and a scholarship offer and saw, still, more hearts change. Then doors and obstacles fell away, as though they weren't really there at all. Finally, in this past week I visited Jessup and I handed my admissions counselor my housing deposit. I will be attending Jessup come fall! 

While on the campus I was praying with a friend and God called me to, once more, pray boldly. He called me to ask for a full funding, so I timidly requested that He provide the full $25,000 in one way or another. Afterwards I met with financial aid and learned some very dismaying news, my financial aid application had been rejected and unless I got a parent signature I wouldn't be eligible for anything more than the scholarships I'd already received. In a matter of seconds, I convinced myself of the impossibility of the situation – my mom hates that I am going out of state and would not willingly sign anything that would make it easier for me to leave! My heart grieved! I had been bold and vulnerable and my God had disappointed me! Something inside of me mourned! I felt my dream dying quickly before my eyes... and then something inside of me said "ask again." I was repulsed! Was God some kind of mean bully? That He would have me open my heart again, so that He could stab me once more?!?! But this is my God, my Savior, my Father... I had to obey. So I sat with my friend once more and asked "God please find me the full funding to attend Jessup, and change my mothers heart so that she would sign this paperwork without too much fighting?" That night I called my mother and mentioned the financial aid aspect and without fighting she agreed to look into getting a pin number. 

I cannot say these past few months have been easy, but I can tell you that they have been exciting and a story worth telling! So, step one to living boldly – pray boldly! Prayers are the desires of the heart. If your prayers are mundane and safe, your heart will be mundane and safe. Take a risk, thrive on some adrenaline and realize that the possibility of injury is what makes life exciting! So maybe it would be safer to not jump off the bridge into the freezing water below, but life would be a lot more interesting if you did jump! Lesson one: bold means risky, so living boldly means living risky!