Step Seventy-Eight: Just Ask Him

Dear Readers,

Don't be afraid to ask the Lord what He thinks of you, chances are He thinks more highly of you than you know.

My Sunrise Serenade

I love you.
My love stretches across the horizon
in hues of pink and purple
every day.
My love unfolds on petal's fringe
and in the morning lark's song.
My love surrounds you
each and every day.
It fills you more fully than the air you breathe.
With every beat of your heart,
my affection grows.
I love you more in this moment
than I have in any moment yet,
though it brings you to your knees,
though tears well in your eyes,
though you feel weak and weary
afraid to go on,
My love is with you.
It has NEVER left you.
It will endure
far longer than these trials you are facing.
It will persist long after
the dust of your bones have blown away.
I love you. You ARE my precious daughter.
You ARE captivating.
You ARE sweet.
You ARE wonderful.
I beg of you, dear child, open your eyes this morning,
watch as the sun kisses horizon’s lip,
watch while I paint you a sunrise serenade,
watch the colors spring to life
as they stretch across the dawn gray sky.
I beg of you, dear child, open your heart to me this day
I am longing to shower you with love
I am longing to have you dance upon my feet.
I beg of you, dear child, let me catch your tears.
You’ve been crying for so long,
let me wipe your tears away,
and return your sweet smile.
I love you. You are mine. I will never lose you.

Step Seventy-Seven: The Beauty of Darkness

Dear Readers,

I decided to get creative on you and write a blog inside a song. The song is entitled "Everything is Beautiful" by Anne Marie Boskovich.

"I would not be here tonight, if I had to choose."

How often I have thought these words,

how often I would have passed my cup,

exchanged it for something sweeter.

How often I would have exchanged darkness for light.

"It's always the bigger things in life, that seem to choose you."

"I'm buried in the questions, I can't find the answers."

Lost in the depths of my past,

searching for reasons that can't be found.

Sifting through the pain of my yesterdays,

"I close my eyes and listen, 'till I remember."

"Everything is beautiful, beautiful."

Beauty pours from my lovers mouth,

with the grace of shifting flames,

His glory dances in this darkness.

"If somewhere love exists, you can wrap your arms around it."

"Can you hear me now?"

I've felt so alone for so long

but I'm finally learning how to celebrate.

how to rejoice in His beautiful darkness.

"Close your eyes and listen until you remember."

"You don't need the answers."

Some answers can't be found,

some reasons don't exist,

but beauty dwells even in this darkness,

"Just close your eyes and remember."

"Everything is beautiful."

From bended knees, praises rise

illuminating darkness so that you may see

"Everything is beautiful here."

There is such beauty in darkness when what you see is open to interpretation.

Step Seventy-Six: A New Metaphor

Dear Readers,

I wrote this blog a few months ago. I felt very much like a pebble amongst a basket full of jewels. I waited patiently and hopefully, eagerly anticipating the moment I felt like a jewel amongst the jewels. A friend told me that this summer was making me into a jewel amongst a basket full of jewels. In this moment, God gave me a new metaphor. I am a pebble but I am a pebble in the hand of God and that is far better than any jewel in a basket.

Jewels are stones. We forget that but they are. Size wise they are actually pebbles themselves. They sparkle a bit more than the average pebble but that's all. There is nothing about a jewel that gives itself value. A jewel gets it's value by being bought. A jewel left unpaid for in a basket is worth as much as any other pebble.

I became a jewel 6 years ago. 6 years ago I looked at a wooden cross hanging in our church and I said yes. I was bought back. I was bought as a very expensive pebble. God gave His only son to buy me back. Though I did not sparkle, though I was not radiant, I became a jewel in that moment. It was finished then. I could not become worth more, I could not be valued higher. I was, at that moment, all I could be.

The beauty of our Savior is that He allows a pure and holy God to pick up defiled pebbles and turn them into jewels.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Step Seventy-Five: Praise Him for He is Faithful

Dear Readers,

God is faithful. He is faithful to provide, faithful to protect, faithful to love. I often need reminding of this but He is even faithful to remind.

This has been my breath of life and constant hope lately: God is faithful. Though I am afraid, though I am hurting, though it is dark all around me, God is faithful. He is faithful to use my fear, He is faithful to heal my hurt, and He is faithful to shine in even the darkest nights.

This doesn't make things easier, but it gives it purpose. It is liquid courage and keeps me going when all else fails.

So I praise Him. I praise Him in fear, I praise Him in hurt, and I praise Him in the middle of the night when nightmares pursue and terror triumphs. Praise Him for He is faithful.

Step Seventy-Four: The Traveling Companion

Dear Readers,

Years and years ago I asked a friend to recommend a good book. I can't remember if it was a good book in general or a good book for a bible study but she recommended Hinds Feet on High Places. Now, when I first read the book I absolutely hated it. I seem to do this with a lot of good-for-your-soul-makes-ya-think books. I hate them at first and then God uses them and upon returning to them I fall in love with them. Hinds Feet on High Places tells the story of how Much Afraid comes to join the Good Shepard in the High Places. Thinking back on it, I don't honestly know why I hated it because I realize now - THAT IS MY STORY! Now, of course, I've re-read the book a hundred times and read it to myself (and to friends) to find comfort.

In the book, Much Afraid is joined by Suffering and Sorrow to be her traveling companions. The powerful, loving Shepard plants a thorn in Much Afraid's heart (a seed of love to come) and then sends her into the desert with Suffering and Sorrow. Now I don't know about most of you but I objected, strongly. What kind of love is that?! You can excuse it as making her stronger (which they do), you can justify it as being a necessary act of discipline (which it was), you can even explain it away by saying God's ways are above ours (which it is). Even with all those, I still can't say I understand that to be the action of a loving God. A loving God does not wound His daughter and send her into the desert miserable and lonely.

And then I came to the only conclusion I could - God is a God of suffering and sorrow. Now before you fear He smites me while I write, let me say that I have a deep love for the Lord. I believe that He is a good and loving father who works for the good of those who love Him. Praises could flow from my mouth to fill the ocean and still would not be praise enough to declare the greatness of God! In fact, I truly believe that God being a God of suffering doesn't take away from Him but adds to His greatness! A loving Father doesn't allow His daughter to wonder the desert wounded with strangers. He goes with us. I believe the greatest gift of Jesus's sacrifice is that God may become the very embodiment of suffering and sorrow. He who is whiter than white, purer and pure, He whose very presence cleanses becomes one of the stickiest, messiest, and darkest parts of humanity. He who sits on Holy Throne is able to dwell within the mire of the Earth and that, my friends, is grace.

I've encountered grace many of times but I have never grasped the depth of grace (and never really will). This summer I got to glimpse the depths of His grace in MY life. In the process of spring cleaning my soul, God has brought back up some memories. Memories of things I've done and things I've been wronged by. Memories that have shaken me to my core, made me question everything I am. Burdened by these memories, I asked God to reveal himself. He did. He stepped into my darkest moment, the worst of my bad memories, and He touched me.

Imagine you at your absolute worst. Those moments when you feel absolutely disgusting. When you look at yourself and what you've done and you feel like throwing up. Imagine the moment that makes you feel the most ashamed, the most defiled. That moment you probably haven't ever told anyone else about (if you can help it). Imagine yourself there and then picture the Holy of holies touching you. Imagine His hands holding your head, His pure and holy lips kissing your forehead, you whose soul is naught but tar. This is what I felt. In a moment when I felt so absolutely disgusting I was POSITIVE that no one could ever even look at me again... in a moment when watching my own memory made me feel like crawling out of my own flesh to escape myself... God is holding me.

A good God does not touch the violated. A good God does not bridge the chasm between the blameless and the faulty. In fact, by his very nature, a good God cannot be anything but good. Thankfully, God is no where near as fond of that adjective as humans are. God is God. He is the "I am." He is not limited to good. He, in the nature of being, may travel with us through all things. He may be Suffering and Sorrow for us.

And so, I believe, God walks with us. It isn't about His being a good God. That was never His intention. I do not believe God ever aimed for winning the number one God award, I don't even know that He minds when we're angry with Him. I think His goal from day one has been simply to be with us. In moments of great joy and in moments of great sorrow. He is a God who pursues. He is our constant traveling companion, even in the desert when we feel the most deserted.

Step Seventy-Three: The Power of Words

Dear Readers,

I was talking to fellow wordsmith today about, what else, words. We were talking about the word "vibrant" and how much life and excitement we felt around this one simple word. How much meaning and depth a single word can have. This, of course, prompted me to think about words as a whole.

I've mentioned before that I believe words have the power to speak life or speak death. I think it's important to note that the power of words is a cornerstone of my blog. By writing and sharing my words I get to experience two very powerful and unique things.

The words I write, which are generally prayers, become building blocks in my life. When the words I write are uplifting and praise bringing, I find myself living that out. When the words I write or negative, I find myself struggling (note here that negative is not synonymous for hard, hard stuff can be just as uplifting as praise blogs like this). When I write out my thoughts and hopes on wanting to be bolder, wanting to be more valiant, I get to see them actualize in my life.

I also get to share myself, my story, and my Lord with you through my words. It is a privilege and an honor that you take precious moments of time to consider my words. I thank you for that.

So in the honor of words I decided to list off some of my favorite words. I, sometimes, get fixated on words. I find that they usually represent some theme in my life and I find myself using them or thinking about them constantly.

Vibrant - this has been my latest word. It is just so full of life! It rolls off my tongue and feels like an array of color bursting forth. It is dripping in beauty. It is strong, moving, powerful.

Tarnished - this also has been rolling around my head a lot recently. It isn't as straight-forward as "vibrant". There isn't even a concrete description of this one, however, my wordsmith friend described my feelings towards it very well. Sometimes, when silver interacts with different agents in it's environment the silver will tarnish. To an untrained eye, this would make the silver appear useless. However, under a master smithy the silver can be returned to it's original and beautiful state. It just needs some TLC.

Dwell - I love the idea of a dwelling place. I often think of the Narnian ruins and how easy it would be to spend all day there marveling at the sights. See a dwelling place is far more than a home, it is a place of peace and restoration. A place that you can never get enough of, a place that you never want to leave. That the spirit dwells inside of me is actually a great compliment. It isn't just that God won't leave me, it's that He doesn't want to leave me!

Captivating - I admit, the book Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge had a huge influence with this word. Captivating is poised in feminine power, it is overflowing with beauty. It is beauty that invites and entices you, beauty that intrigues you. It is the kind of beauty you can't stop taking in. You drink it in, hoping to gather enough details to remember everything about this exact moment, to freeze it in your memory to have forever. It is a basis for love.

Devastated - this ones harder to admit. It speaks of destruction and defilement, or great sorrow and lost. It is life at it's most painful.

Redeemed - redemption. To be bought back. There is life in this word. I speak it and I can feel it's power coursing through my tongue. There is only one redeemer and the price He paid for us was greater than we could imagine. Yet His love for us far exceeded the weight of that cost. Redemption... it's an oasis, a miracle spring, in miles of desert.

Protect - to protect and be protected... it's sacrificial. A protector gives everything of themselves. The protected are cherished, delighted in beyond all comparison. They are worthy of sacrifice.

Wounded - this one is, perhaps, self explanatory. However, to be wounded implies far more than being hurt. It is deeper, stronger.

Inscribed - I probably just love this word because it's another way of saying writing, but I also love the ideas behind inscription. Carving something into something. Putting time and intention into your words... it gives them weight and purpose. An inscription can never be erased, like a scar it will always be there.

Delight - I love this word. It's practically composed of innocence and fun. You can hear a child's laugh even as the word is spoken. Glee, celebration, over whelming joy. I love that we can delight in our Lord. We can celebrate Him. Find joy in Him. Be childlike in Him. But I also love that HE delights in us. That He celebrates us and dances over us. That He rejoices in us as His children!

So there you have it. 10 of my favorite words. What are some of your favorite words and how are they impacting your life? Remember words have power – written, spoken or thought.

Step Seventy-Two: When Everything Comes Undone

Dear Readers,

Every once in a while, everything seems to come undone. Like all the events in your life have randomly collided in this exact moment of time to create an explosion. When you're standing in the middle of it, it burns. You're heart feels overwhelmed, you're wondering how you could ever make it out. The pain is excruciating.

There is an unseen beauty in that pain. When everything comes undone, we see the raw power of God. We watch as He orchestrates each flame. And we also find ourselves in a place of absolute dependence. A place of desperation.

I can honestly say that I hate this place. It is contrary to my entire nature. It means being incapable of depending on myself. It means being forced to rely on some one else. I can also honestly say that there is no place I love more than being entirely dependent on God. It is, after all, in the furnace that God's hands wrap themselves around our entire being. It is nestled here in the palms of the Lord Almighty I remember everything I am, everything I am created to be.

I have a friend whom I love dearly. A friend who is struggling and for whom I would give the entire world. A friend who I have sacrificed much for. I prayers have interceded on His behalf many times. I have lifted him up, asking for blessings and peace. That my friend may come to know the Lord intimately and depend on the Lord ultimately. I have ached for my friend, shed many tears on his behalf, found myself weeping and broken. I have begged the Lord to spare him such pain.

This prayer has to change. If my friend is ever going to come to know the Lord, my friend must hurt. His life must collide and he must find himself driven to his knees. He must become desperate. I desperately wanted to protect him from his pain but the truth is, he is in pain. The only hope for his pain, the only balm to soothe aching hearts is the Lord's love.

This is my prayer for him:

That he may fall apart. That he would allow his pain to burden his heart. That he would become so broken he finds his knees kneeling upon the rug of the weeping before the awesome redeemer. I pray that he gets desperate so that he may find himself in the palms of one who loves him far more than I ever could. I pray that everything comes undone so that when he looks back he realizes this was his beginning.