A while back I realized my personal prayer life was faltering, I just could not get my heart or mind to focus. I would set aside 30 minutes for prayer and by the time I actually got my mind and heart in the same frame of mind I would only have 5 minutes left for prayer. I was frustrated and flummoxed, for an 18 year old girl growing up in the give-me-it-now generation, I'd say I have a decent amount of concentration. I just could not figure out what was going on inside of me and I certainly do not like my body doing things I don't have control over! During this A.D.H.D. spell I heard a sermon, I cannot remember the actual topic but I do remember the man was talking about prayer. More specifically he was talking about the how to of prayer.
This man began to talk about prayer as a tangible. As Christians, this man and I both had the same problem--prayer is often considered a... well this unspoken, unseen, movement. Perhaps a feeling. So the man began to talk about this wooden beaded rosary he had bought (he was not catholic) to give his prayer life some tangibility. He also spoke about other techniques (such as meditating or walking) to help focus, but for whatever reason the rosary idea stuck with me (perhaps it is the image I have of my grammy and grampy praying the rosary). I decided to seek out a rosary of my own, and so for my trip to California I was determined to find and buy a rosary (why it had to be in California, I have no idea). I searched every bead stand we passed in San Francisco (which, if you have ever been to San Francisco, you know is a lot) as well as every non-target, non-walmart store we crossed. No dice. Finally, tonight, my last night, my mentor asked a family friend if she happened to know where we could buy a rosary. The woman opened her purse and pulled out a gorgeous blue and silver rosary and placed it in my hands. She said she had several rosaries and that this was one that simply traveled with her and that she would be honored to give it to me. Now I sit with it intertwined in my fingers and I am realizing that my search for a rosary taught me many lessons:
- I didn't need a rosary to pray, I needed to change the way I thought about praying. I lost myself in the ideology that prayer is about feeling and moving hearts, which it is, but it is also about obedience and sacrifice. Sometimes prayer is a deeply moving emotional and spiritual experience in which your heart is overwhelmed, and sometimes prayer is a ritual, a habit, a routine and concealed somewhere within the discipline and consistency is a change of heart. Perhaps, it is even that, that discipline and habitual nature is meant to be the movement. Perhaps in the sacrificing of our time, our desires and whims, and even our words, we grow and we change...
- A bold life, a grand adventure, a good relationship all require that we seek relentlessly – that is without end. Just as I combed the bead seller's stalls in San Francisco, a bold life calls us to seek after something without ceasing, as does a good story, or even a good relationship (with either humans or God). Our life is all about the "search." Think about it honestly, could you not think of something you are looking for or searching for or seeking after or even simply wanting (the simple English way of saying "looking") something? In the last week, I can name five things I have sought after. I am always searching. There is probably some Freudian-mumbo-jumbo or philosophical non-sense that would say that this is a sign of incompleteness in my life, but I would say that, that search is a calling and since this is Lee's blog and not Freud's I am going to write about it like I am right (yay)! Our constant seeking is testament to the stories we all desire to lead. Any good story has to have a main purpose and if you think about those purposes, they are all about quests and searches. The search for the perfect man (or woman), the quest to discover one's identity, the search for treasure or the lottery, the quest to save ones gym, the search for friendship or belonging... it goes on and on and on. In fact, I'd be willing to bet there isn't a single movie in existence that doesn't involve some amount of a search somewhere within the plot or sub-plot. So here is my advice: once you know what you are looking for, seek relentlessly. That's not to say obsess over it, but don't give in when you don't find it immediately, keep searching and let the adventure unfold... you never know when some kind stranger may make it all worth while (and worth blogging about too)!
- Don't be afraid to ask other's to join you in your search. We all know that life is better when we have other's beside us, but so often society makes searching into a bad thing – a sign of weakness. Suddenly we are isolating ourself, refusing to allow anyone to help and refusing to offer our help. However, had I not spoken of my quest for the rosary (the next Monty Python movie?!?!) to my mentor, the kind woman would never have heard and I would be flying home rosary-less. Through my courageous act of voicing my desires, and through my mentors courageous act of asking for help in meeting those desires God was able to use one woman's kindness. It all started with asking for help. However, I must warn you that in asking for help, you must also be willing to give it, to join others in their searches.
Anywho... I hope this all makes sense, cause it's late and I am sleepy.
No comments:
Post a Comment