Step Eighty-Four: Quiet Moments

Dear Readers,

The sweet and comforting aroma of apple cinnamon is filling my apartment as I sit quietly sipping my tea, waiting to switch out batches of muffins. Playing softly in the background is a gentle piano melody. It is as if time has stopped. I know this cannot be as the timer is slowly counting down the minutes until I must move again. So perhaps it is not time at all, but I who have paused.

As this perfect autumn perfume enfolds me, as gentle notes impersonate frolicking golden leaves as they dance their way through an insouciant scale, as the world sleeps – I wait. I'm never really certain what I'm waiting for. I'm just waiting. Waiting with baited breath for the slow end of autumn to pass gently into the icy stillness of winter, for winter's first snowy kiss. Waiting for the steam from my tea to form a perfect spiral. Waiting for all the heart ache to mend. Waiting for tears to subside and laughter to die. Waiting to hear a chorus of angels praising the Almighty. Waiting to hear the gentle rustle of His heavenly robe. Waiting for Him to whisper gently in my ear "I love you". In this perfect stillness, I realize I'm not waiting in these quiet moments – I am waiting for these quiet moments.

It is easy to lose sight in the fast paced world I live in. Easy to lose quiet between the coffee grinder and the evening report. Yet I wonder how much time my soul spends waiting for moments like these when distractions cease and true life begins.

Step Eighty-Three: What makes you beautiful?

Dear Readers,

I'm messed up in relationships. I am. It isn't really an intentional thing... more of a fallen world thing. I'm needy, overly-emotional, overly-sensitive, chronically insecure, in general I'm "too much". Of course, I'll tell you I'm all of this when we become friends. I promise you that I will mess up (because I will), I promise you I'll annoy you (because I will), I promise you I will not be perfect. But I will love you.

For the first time tonight I realized how beautiful this gift is. Being friends with me... it's going to be complicated and confusing. But I love you. This is a fact, a permanent, unchanging fact. I may doubt you love me but I will never ever stop loving you. It's kind of an addiction (a healthy kind). I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to... because the truth is once you've penetrated my heart... I can't get you out of it. I may withdraw, I may ignore, I may even bare my teeth when I've been hurt. (Again – I'm messed up in relationships! ) But my love for you... it isn't going anywhere.

It's amazing how much of ourselves we take for granted. How quick we are to dismiss in ourselves what we love about others. It took hearing from a friend that her love is unchanging before I realized what a precious quality that is. It took admiring it in her before I realized in spite of all my mess I have that quality.

So, what makes you beautiful? How can the Lord show you YOUR beauty today?

Step Eighty-Two: Heavenly Love

Dear Readers,

I hate flying. Not just like a oh-its-uncomfortable-and-super-awkward-because-your-neighbor-is-drooling-on-your-mutual-armrest-so-now-what-do-you-do hate it but like I-am-going-to-keep-my-eyes-squeezed-close-tight-and-hold-onto-my-stuffed-bear-for-the-next-two-hours hate it. Worse yet I have to fly in and out of DENVER. If you haven't flown in out of Denver before you should know that DENVER in airplane lingo is TURBULENCE. This makes flying almost unbearable. Today as I was flying out to Colorado for a sister/friend's wedding wasn't that much different EXCEPT we hit Denver (thus the turbulent moments) as the sun was setting.

After several "oooh" and "ahhhhh"'s from the three year old in front of me, I decided I really did have the courage to peek. I'm pretty glad I did for when I did I received a serenade. A symphony pouring out in heavenly pink and purple hues, surrounded me, blanketing me in a gentle kind of love. As our plane dipped towards the earth and we parted serene clouds, peeking out over navy blue mountain tips. The vibrant colors played out over a perfectly still lake. It was breath-taking, awe-inducing, incredible.

It is impossible, in moments like that, to be afraid. It's impossible to forget the Lord's declaration of love as it decorates the skies! What a beautiful, and needed, reminder of His unconditional affection!

Step Eighty-One: Do You Love Me, Lord?

Dear Readers,

I love hearing that I'm loved. Nothing warms my spirit or lifts my heart more than hearing someone say "I love you". It delights my heart to know that others take pleasure in me and from me. It is an incredible gift, to hear the spoken affirmation of love.

Tonight was one of those moments. Everything inside of me was begging to know "Do you love me? Am I love-able?" And like the fantastic Father that He is, the Lord gave me a few precious moments to be loved by the most incredible woman! How deep the heart of my sister! How great her love is for me! It never ceases to amaze me how much overflow she has! What an example of unconditional love she is! She challenged me to let the Lord love on me each day but I hope that she knows tonight she was that vessel of love.

I find myself in this vulnerable place all the time. I want, more than anything, to know if the Lord loves me. I want so badly for Him to show me what He sees because I just don't see it in myself. And with all the healing I'm doing, I never want to lose this vulnerability. Asking Him "Lord, do you love me?" provides the opportunity for Him to delight in me. It gives Him a chance to bless me through my brothers and sisters in Christ. More importantly, I never want to lose my thirst for His love. May it be my pursuit for life.

May He remind you of His love for you as well!

Sept Eighty: Simple Faith

Dear Readers,

Lately I've been busy. Not a bad busy, actually a very productive and healing busy. I've been hard at work pruning the weeds in my life with the Lord. A very complicated process that I am so grateful to be walking down. One I will continue to walk. However, last night I got a reminder of simple faith and simple joy. God is complicated, He is bigger than we could imagine. He is working in ways we can't even fathom. But God is also simple. He is beautifully simple. This is a fact I continually forget. Yes God is healer of my emotional turmoil. Yes that is an incredible and powerful thing. But God is also Lord of falling leaves. He is simply beautiful. This simplicity is one of the reason's I fell in love with Him.

Last night He reminded me of His simplicity. He reminded me of the joy it is to delight in Him.

Do you need to remember the simplicity of faith?

Step Seventy-Nine: Vibrant

Dear Readers,

I've mentioned before that I love the word vibrant. That it drips an infusion of beauty and life. It's so much more than a word for me, it's a lifestyle. It is bathed in boldness, full of color, spice, and well awesomeness. It is the "abundant life" that Jesus came to offer. My prayer, as of late, is that my life would be vibrant and, as many of you know, you should be very careful what you pray for, you might just get it.

Over labor day weekend, I had the opportunity to experiment with painting and while I am no expert in the concerns of art it gave me a new appreciation for this word that I love so much. To give you an idea I googled "vibrant paintings" here are a few of my favorites:

Kasey Taylor "Koi Lotus & Lily Pond Scene"

Mia's "Two Virgins"

Derek McCrea's "Japanese Cherry Blossom Flower Painting"

There is something unique to vibrancy that I hadn't really seen or appreciated before. The degree of vibrancy correlates directly to the degree of contrast. To put it another way, you cannot have light without darkness. Imagine if the Koi pond had been painted with a baby blue rather than the navy. It would still be a remarkable painting, illustrating skill and beauty, but it would not be breath-taking. It would not be vibrant.

You may have now gathered the point to which I am writing - if we are to have vibrant lives they cannot be purely light. We need contrast. We need the murky waters. I suspect, if your response is anything like mine, you don't find this the least bit comforting. I would challenge you,however, to re-evaluate your opinion of darkness.

Ecclesiastes 7:13-14 says this "Consider what God has done; who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." You and I need to reconsider are biases in regards to darkness and pain. So often I think of pain as a means to an end. How many times do we say phrases like this "it's a growing experience" or "it will make you stronger/more beautiful" or "if you can just hold on/endure/stay strong". We cheat ourselves when we say this. We cheat ourselves out of the vibrancy that is our inheritance. Pain is not a means to the end. Pain is a vital part of vibrancy. To simply "endure" pain is to miss out on the vibrancy that is yours now.

So my challenge - no matter whether you are in a season of light or a season of darkness, be vibrant and rejoice!

Step Seventy-Eight: Just Ask Him

Dear Readers,

Don't be afraid to ask the Lord what He thinks of you, chances are He thinks more highly of you than you know.

My Sunrise Serenade

I love you.
My love stretches across the horizon
in hues of pink and purple
every day.
My love unfolds on petal's fringe
and in the morning lark's song.
My love surrounds you
each and every day.
It fills you more fully than the air you breathe.
With every beat of your heart,
my affection grows.
I love you more in this moment
than I have in any moment yet,
though it brings you to your knees,
though tears well in your eyes,
though you feel weak and weary
afraid to go on,
My love is with you.
It has NEVER left you.
It will endure
far longer than these trials you are facing.
It will persist long after
the dust of your bones have blown away.
I love you. You ARE my precious daughter.
You ARE captivating.
You ARE sweet.
You ARE wonderful.
I beg of you, dear child, open your eyes this morning,
watch as the sun kisses horizon’s lip,
watch while I paint you a sunrise serenade,
watch the colors spring to life
as they stretch across the dawn gray sky.
I beg of you, dear child, open your heart to me this day
I am longing to shower you with love
I am longing to have you dance upon my feet.
I beg of you, dear child, let me catch your tears.
You’ve been crying for so long,
let me wipe your tears away,
and return your sweet smile.
I love you. You are mine. I will never lose you.