The more time I spend getting to know myself, the more I realize how very far from truth I derive my identity. It's hard to admit but lately I've been chewing on an idea. I don't have trust issues with God. I just don't have faith. Oh to be sure I've crossed the instance of faith, that moment when a person decides for themselves that God is real. I do believe in God. I fail, over and over and over again, to believe in God's character. I fail to have faith beyond the initial moment. In fact, believing that God is real is a simple matter. I struggle to believe that He cares, that He is good, that He is involved, that He loves me. I struggle to have faith that He is who He says He is. That the great I am is really the great I am. But why? Why do I have such insecurities with God? Let's face if God has never failed me. He has never disappointed. In fact, He not only has never failed, He always exceeds my expectations.
A friend gave me the book entitled So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore and as I have been reading it I've come to one somewhat embarrassing conclusion. I project my insecurities onto the Lord. The doubts I have with God mirror my many fears of short comings within myself. I doubt God's willingness to provide for me because I, at my core, do not believe myself worthy of being cared for. Do you see what I mean? It isn't so much that I doubt God's ability to provide. Even I, with my less than a mustard seed faith, am not silly enough to genuinely believe that the Creator of life is incapable of providing. The truth is, God has made His power known. He has stood between me and death and refused to be moved. I have tasted a small bit of His power, He can do anything. The question that resides deep within me, the question that nips at my heart, is am I worth providing for? Would He use that power for me?
Truth says He would. History shows that He has. Yet still I doubt. Actually, doubt would be a generous term. I book it to the nearest exit and fling everything I can into the path between God and I. I'm being brutally honest here, hoping that someone will throw me a line and say "yeah I do that too." Why do I do that? I drive myself crazy sometimes. Even at the same moment I'm haphazardly flipping chairs behind me, I'm thinking "okay crazy lady what the heck are you doing?"
As God and I were dialoguing about my crazy actions I came to yet another somewhat embarrassing conclusion. I do it because I draw my identity from things of this world. I have to confess that this stings my pride. I have been a Christian for several years. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard amazing speakers talk about the importance of Identity. To be honest, even I have talked on the topic. I convinced myself that because I didn't "look" like the world, because I don't drink and I don't party that I must not draw my identity from the world. Because I wasn't aching to be popular or dying to be famous my faith must be fine. See those were the common examples. The obvious examples. I wasn't them so I must be okay. Not so. I am just as guilty of deriving my identity from the world. I didn't seek the opinions of my peers, I didn't long for fame. I searched for my identity in my family. I looked desperately for love, for acceptance from a world where there was none to be had. It's no wonder I have such crappy self-esteem. It's like putting dead batteries into a remote and getting frustrated when it doesn't work.
So I did what any rightly humbled servant would do, I prayed. I asked God what could I do to change that. I tend to like doing things. I am a fixer. I want to do something to make it right. Hand me a self-help book and give me some emotional exercises, I will make it right. And God says "sit with me a while." I'm thinking alright let's make a game plan, let's systematically attack this belief. And God says "sit with me." I didn't even last a minute before my brain started whirring, I actually wondered if you could find a section in Barnes and Noble about finding your identity. And... pause.
In case you can't see it, that's God with a challenge and that's me high tailing it out of there. Except instead of flipping chairs and tossing tables, I'm throwing research and knowledge to mask it. I'm subconsciously thinking "if this doesn't fix it, at least I can say I tried." I do this because I'm unwilling to accept that the only way to truly and completely draw my identity from God is to sit with Him. To sit with Him, to put all of myself on the line and ask the one question that I am simultaneously dying to hear the answer to (and I do mean dying. Without knowing it, my soul is withering away) and I am beyond terrified to ask. I am so insecure within myself that I am terrified to ask Him, the one who created me, if He genuinely sees worth in me. I was unwilling to have faith in His character. But no longer. There is too much within me questioning my own significance to be unfaithful any longer.
So, I return to Him. I sit with all of me, all my faults, all my fears. I sit in His magnificence and light. I sit and we talk. It's hard to stay when most of me wants to run. It's hard to wait when all of me wants to know. But the longer I sit in His light the more I find myself reflecting Him.
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