Dear Readers,
I have spent a significant portion of my time on this journey of healing pushing my anger away, denying it, minimizing it – whatever it took to pretend that it didn't matter. Anger, I argued, had never served me well in the past and would not, therefore, serve me well now. I truly believed that a mark of "true healing" was to not feel anger. Until one day when the absurdity of it all hit me.
I have EVERY right to be angry. More over, feeling anger when someone has violated your rights IS a healthy response. Anger, as an emotion, is not wrong. Its a signal that something is wrong, something is not meeting our expectations.It is a call to action - a push forward. Now the actions when take in anger are not always right or justified. I know better than most how horrific the actions of anger can be but I am getting ahead of myself. I want to break down my false anger beliefs one by one for you.
Belief One: Anger is bad and/or meaningless.
This is, of course, at the core of my beliefs about anger. It stands to reason that having seen anger used so poorly for so many years that I would want to embody the opposite of anger. I would want to be anything but anger. I came to this conclusion after years of watching my dad boil over in anger... watching him fume, scream, hit... rage. So many times, as my Father towered above me, I made the promise that so many little kids naive-ly make: "I will not be like you." I thought, as a child, that meant "I will not be angry like you." In recent times I have come to question my child-like resolution. I agree with the young me – I will not act as my Father has. However, I do not think it wise or even possible to swear off anger entirely. I believe a better conclusion is "I will not use my anger as you use it."
There is a danger in swearing off anger, a danger beyond the impending explosion that stuffing ultimately leads to. The danger of swearing off anger is that you may miss your life's call. I believe that anger is one of the few inherently passionate feelings we have. If I were to ascribe an element to anger it would be fire. It burns intensely. Abused, fire can destroy homes, lives, futures. Used appropriately, they can renew life, growth, and create lasting fruit. We should be aware of what makes us angry, not only to protect ourselves from the hazards of fire, but because when you find that fire it could mean the Lord is preparing you for something more. Our passions were God-given. Our emotions were God-given. They play into a grander design. I believe feelings were meant to be guides.
Consider this: Mother Theresa first found her calling to love the "untouchables" after feeling indignation because a man died alone on the street. What if that young nun had ignored her anger? Or worse, she had gone to confession and repented her "sin"? How much worse off would the kingdom of the Lord be if not for one young woman's anger? Anger is not bad. It is a very loud reminder that something is not right. So the next time you feel anger, don't ignore it! Do something about it! Sometimes it means changing yourself – if my father had open ears he may indeed find that his anger is born of a desperate desire to be a better man, a better father. Sometimes it means changing your attitude – when I get angry with my siblings for annoying me it is frequently me and not them that needs to change. And sometimes is means changing what's going on around you like Mother Theresa loving the poor. Like an abuse victim fleeing the home.
Belief Two: Not feeling is the healthy way.
I like to think that numbness is the picture perfect image of health. What a pitiful lie I believe. Let me make it perfectly clear: the absence of emotion is not the presence of health. Some part of me actually believes that not feeling (or repenting for feeling) a certain way is "stronger". This is like saying the best way to live is to stop your own heart beat. Ridiculous. Emotions pour out across the fabric of our lives - they are the flavors of life. We numb ourselves believing the lies told to us that this is how we protect ourselves, this how we stay strong. We believe it, some out of ignorance, others out of cowardice, for to feel deeply requires a kind of courage that few possess. When we find someone who lives deeply in the feelings of life, we are entranced by them. If you have ever been lucky enough to have met someone like this, you know the power I speak of. If fortune has not been as kind to you, you could not imagine the pure beauty of someone laughing and crying completely unashamed. It unnerves and astounds you, not unlike watching the sheer power of lightening streaking across the sky.
I said earlier that our emotions are guides to us in this world – to take it a step further, I believe they are not only guides but the instruments the Lord uses within us to perfect us. We need to know, feel, and appreciate our emotions if only because they Lord dwells in them.
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