Step Forty-Eight: Home

Dear Readers,

I am learning a lot at college. We're talking mass intake of Old Testament stories, Biological systems central to any living creature, the building of massive structures by ancient civilizations... but what I am learning most about is God. What I find most amazing is how God is redefining words, He is literally taking words out of the context with which I associated, knew and understood them and He is radically redefining them. Let me share a few examples:

Homework – up until this point, homework has been busy work. Especially in my honors courses. It was worksheets you were expected to do, that "guided" your learning but really was just a waste of time for both you and the teacher. Now, teachers assign reading. In fact the word homework is practically synonymous with the word reading (with the exception of the occasional paper).

Fruit – Coloradans don't know what good fruit is. It is a heart breaking fact. Fresh, ripe, delicious fruit does not exist in Colorado. I have a quickly expanding list of fruits that I adore here in California and I am so excited about that!

But these are both lighter examples, and much to our dismay, God rarely stays "light." God is about the heavy stuff. He deals with matters of the heart. And the heavy word we have been redefining? Home.

In part, this is an obvious word to redefine. I am 1000+ miles away from what I used to call home, obviously I am redefining "home." But it goes so far beyond that! The dictionary defines home as "the dwelling place" and lists words like "refuge" and "shelter" as synonyms. Home is a place of tremendous safety, at least it should be.

While attending Jessup, I have friends who have become my pseudo-parents. These friends have brought me into their home, adopted me into their family, and blessed me with their unconditional love. It has completely redefined the word "home" for me. It delights my heart to return home for the weekend to their house. It is amazing to have their children run to me in excitement, just wanting a hug. It is astounding to be delighted in as a child in my very own home.

But God has revealed to me another amazing thing about home. Home is not a noun, it's a verb. That is to say, "home" is not a location, it is a condition. It is a condition of your heart. When your heart rests, unfolding itself peacefully in the knowledge that all is well. When your heart begins to unveil its beauty naturally, willing to be delighted in by those around it. That is home. It is a place that goes with you wherever you go. There are places in the world that mirrors this condition, places that evoke you to feel at peace. There are people in the world who invite us into this condition with them, who invite us to unveil our beauty.

So this is my challenge to you, go home this week. Regardless of where you are, what home looks like for you personally, or your physical location. Go home. Entice your heart and the hearts of those around you to find peace. Invite them to reveal the beauty that is budding inside of them. I invite you to live from the condition of home this week. Live within peace and beauty and watch it radically change your life, you will not be disappointed.

Step Forty-Seven: Falling For Him

Dear Readers,

I want you to pause for a moment. To really sit still for a moment. I urge you to let your worries fade away and that growing list of to-dos to disappear for just a little bit. I want you to focus on something that made you happy today. Something that brought you joy. Keep this in the front of your mind as you read and consider what I have to say. Let that joy be the lens through which you are looking.

I was doing some reading for one of our bible classes and the book that I was reading was talking about what it means to know God. I thought it made an interesting point – it argued that anyone who was getting to know God's true spirit could not help but to fall in love with Him. I have really tried to let this thought govern my quiet times with God, tried to reflect on what that looks like for me.

God has done a lot of really cool things at Jessup on my behalf. It goes far beyond getting me here. God crafted this place and these classes perfectly for me! He shaped them that they might be the most ideal of plans! But what I love most is that He hasn't just worked out the major details, He has worked even the tiniest of details to His plans. Yes, God gave me the tuition money and the money for books and I praise and adore Him for that. But the thing that gives me butterflies and warms the deepest cockles of my heart is that He would place my room beside a streetlamp so that I might have a nightlight! He loves me so dearly and so deeply that He would go out of His way to give me something so trivial. That thought puts this ridiculous little smile on my face!

Now let's think back to that thing that made you happy? What does that tell you about God's tremendous love for you?! The truth is, I agree with my textbook's point. The more I get to know God, the more I search for His presence in my life, for those little moments when He has blessed my forehead with a soft kiss, the harder I fall for Him! He is so amazing!

So here is my challenge to you: get to know God. I urge you to deliberately look for His hand in your life. To seek out those quiet moments when God has placed a gentle kiss upon your hand. And when you have found them, I dare you to fall head over heels for Him. I dare you to let Him fill you with joy, making a silly smile come to your lips. I dare you to let Him make you fall for you every day over again (think Henry and Lucy in 50 First Dates).

Step Forty-Six: His Provision

Dear Readers,

I have a question for you. At first, it may come off as rhetorical or even sarcastic but I mean it genuinely. It is a question that only you can answer and your response to this question will dictate the path your life is to take.

Do you trust in His provision?

God provides. He does. Nothing in the universe, goes without His provision. Even the tiniest, most insignificant of the wild flowers is clothed in robes of glory. This is what the bible tells us. This is truth. But do you trust it? Do you trust that even in those moments when you can see nothing more and no possible options God will provide? When you begin to feel swallowed by the tremendous need in your life and your stomach churns at the thought of all that has to happen, do you believe that He will take care of you?

Lately, as I have watched God's plans for my coming year unfold, I have been able to see something truly amazing. There is no element, no single insignificant detail, no minuet thing that He has not taken care of. His hand is touching and guiding and smoothing the path that I am to walk, so that nothing remains uncertain. Just as clearly as He parted the Red Sea, so is He now parting the ocean of difficulties before me. By my ability, by my power, I have done nothing. God has taken care of everything, from books to room-mates, to another mama bear. He is my almighty provider but even more so, He is my Daddy. He isn't just providing for me, He is wrapping His provision in the most elegant of bows and handing me each one as my own special surprise. His eyes twinkle filled with mirth and mischief as I tear off the wrapping and giggle in delight. He loves me. And He loves providing for me.

So back to the original question: do you trust in His provision?

Step Forty-Five: By His Eyes

Dear Readers,

I have an insanely hard time seeing my inherent worth. I can see the value in my skills, in my abilities, but I struggle with seeing beyond them. Lately, it seems like, God is giving me a little lesson in sight.

As my time at Jessup quickly approaches, more and more people are stepping up to serve me through their generous gifts. I am honestly thinking that God is acting a little like a show off, a stud muffin! (Not that I am complaining!) You see, some of these people have met me and know a little of my story and my heart but most of the people who are acting so boldly (and kindly) in the Lord's name haven't ever met me. It is not for my actions or even for my heart that they are giving. The only possible explanation I have is that this is the Lord's doing. He is not just meeting my needs, He is flat out spoiling me, He is delighting in lavishing me in extravagant gifts. Like the Lilies of the Field, He is not with-holding an ounce of His magnificence. Though my time at Jessup will pass far quicker than I care to admit, He has spared no ounce of His beauty. He is clothing me as wonderfully as the wild flowers that bloom on grass knolls, though they will wilt in autumn's freeze. HE, my God and Savior, is delighting in me. In giving to me. And I can't see why.

I am ashamed to admit that even now, I dare not fight the lie that there is nothing more to me than my skills. I'm beautiful, but in that everyone-was-made-special-and-unique kind of way, which is to say I'm not really beautiful at all, I'm the exact same as everyone else because I am different. I don't actually believe myself to be beautiful, the walk-in-a-room-and-mouths-drop beautiful. And I cannot fight this because if I were to believe I am take-your-breath-away beautiful, I'd be vain. Instead, I settle for the "I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, we're all beautiful" schtick and let my skills make up for the physical beauty I lack. And my personality? Well there certainly couldn't be anything worthwhile in a quiet, introverted, logical, dreamer! I've allowed these thoughts to fuel my growing sense of fear that all I have to offer, all that I could possibly give, are my deeds. A very convenient belief for a girl trying to avoid facing a fundamental lie, but a very scary thought when you realize you are leaving everyone you love, that you will not be able to serve them any longer. As you can probably guess, this is all through my eyes but I am no longer my own, I am His. And it is by and through His eyes that I must start to see.

So what does He see? I am not ugly. I am beautiful. This is a fact. I am beautiful, not only because He created me, but because I am genuinely gorgeous! Whether I like it or not, boys do notice me. I am a stunning young woman. And as my heart starts to shrink away, wondering if this is too conceited to actually post, I feel His hand lifting my chin and I can hear Him whisper "there is no shame in truth." I am beautiful in the we-are-all-beautiful way. I belong to a wonderful and messy species called the human race and in its best and worst of times there is an underlying beauty haunting it. It is the image of God, shifting beneath the surface. But I am also beautiful in the only-you way. The Lord blessed me with a beauty all my own, a beauty that lives. And my personality? It is incredible. It is not the immediately charming, warm and open personality I so admire, but somewhere in the direct stubbornness and the tender meekness, I glow. I capture a side of the Lord that no one can even begin to understand. My friend would call me a "gem." She would call me "precious." And she is right. In His eyes, I am a rarity, a one of the kind, special design, special cut me. There is no element of me He does not love. Even my struggles speak in some way of my fall, my wounds, and my redemption. He is embedded even in my deepest scar. I was designed to play an irreplaceable role with the Lord, without me the story is not complete, without me He is not complete. My skills and ability aside, He is incomplete without me, without my personality, without my beauty.

So why is He delighting in me so obviously and with so much exorbitance? To remind me of my worth. To teach me to see and confess that which He sees. And simply because He is the Creator and He wants to. My sweet Savior honestly wants to love me and it is so freeing! I would highly recommend it! = )

Step Forty-Four: Always Fighting

Dear Readers,

I had a naive wish. I have struggled with cutting for the last 8 years. I had so hoped that once I left the environment I grew up in, I would also be leaving that struggle behind. I hoped that moving some place new, having a chance to be a new person, I could magically implement those coping mechanisms I have been learning for the last 6 years and I would never battle with cutting again. (I did say it was naive). It is so exhausting to fight without any end in sight, to fight when nothing ever appears to change, to fight even when you already feel beaten. I have always seen my battle with cutting as lost, I've already succumbed to it, I am a cutter. Just as there is no such thing as a "recovering alcoholic", there is no such thing as a "recovering cutter." Hidden away within this defeat, is one soul crushing lie: fighting is mute. When I begin to believe this lie, that is when I have truly lost.

True faith is this, that we act even when we are riddled by doubts. Beliefs are fleeting and emotions are temporary, it is our actions that will fill the pages of our lives. Whether I believe I have lost my battle with cutting or each temptation is a new battle waiting to be determined, my actions will dictate the person I become. I will choose to fight, not because I stand to lose or gain anything, but because when I read the story of my life to the Lord, I want my character to have been one that fought with all of her little heart. So I will choose to continue fighting in my battle with cutting, even as I lament it's continued presence in my life.

Step Forty-Three: Be Contradictory

Dear Readers,

Most of us have gone through something that has enabled us to feel two very contradictory things in one very short breath. It is very confusing. Today I have felt especially caught up in the stark differences abiding within my heart.

I am bursting with excitement! I am going to college!!! My dream college to boot! Already the Lord is preparing to surround me with some truly amazing people. My Resident Assisstant (R.A.) is so on fire for the Lord, it feels entirely infectious! She is full of joy and excitement at the thought of leading us girls–I cannot wait to just sit in her presence and listen to her heart! Oh the lessons I can imagine it sharing! I have visited once and already I have friends who are lifting me up in prayer and eagerly awaiting my arrival. I'm going to be studying the BIBLE! How could I not be excited?!

But I am also so very sad. I have a wonderful life here in the Rocky Mountains! It is truly a testament to the Lord! I am surrounded and filled with so much love and encouragement. I have amazing friends and mentors, all of whom I am preparing to leave. As much as I praise the Lord for the life I had, I also mourn my loss of it. It grieves my heart to imagine leaving these people who have been part of my daily life for years. How much sorrow it brings!

It is hard to exist in two such polar opposite emotions, to bounce from one extreme to the other, but in allowing myself to do so, I am fully feeling everything! No aspect of my joy and excitement goes uncelebrated, and no detail of my sorrow goes unseen. In living so completely within both worlds, I have come to accept that there is no joy unaccompanied by sorrow. They go hand in hand. When I am sad and fearful of being homesick, I am reminded of all the people and all of the places that have brought me love, support, comfort, and joy over the years and I rejoice in Him for them. My joy, in turn, is made even greater through my sorrows.

The truth is, I hate feeling so... bipolar. I love feeling stable and consistent! But stable? Consistent? Mono-polar? Those things just don't exist. Not in reality. We have to learn how to exist within the chaos of contradictions so that we may know life, and know it to the full. Be contradictory, you might learn something. = )

Step Forty-Two: Voicing Desires

Dear Readers,

I was taught that anything that made you vulnerable, made you weak, and weakness would not be tolerated. I grew up thinking that showing emotions, needing other people or things, expressing what you want, think or feel were all signs of great weakness, fatal weakness. I cannot say that doing any of these things make you strong, but I can say that all of these things are very human, and, though we try, we cannot outrun them.

I have spent the last few nights at a friends, sleeping better on their couch then I ever do in my own bed, waking up to find one of my favorite little boys eager to cuddle. It is a nice homey feeling. A feeling of being wanted, cherished, adored. A reminder of unconditional love. But all sleep overs must come to an end. So as I crawled into my own bed last night, wishing I could be curled up on their couch, I texted my friend. I told her that I wished I could be at their house for my morning snuggles. She responded with "Wish that too."

So here is my challenge: have desires and voice them! Voicing them doesn't mean you will get them, I woke up this morning in my own bed without an eager little boy waiting to say "Hi Lala!" But just speaking them, giving them validity, makes them so much better. It was no longer a secret wish that I felt shame for because it isn't the "normal" persons wish, instead it was one of those quiet bonds that united my friend and I because we shared the same wish, even if we could not control it. I cannot say that voicing your desires makes you a stronger person but it was worth it to me, is it worth it to you?