I had a naive wish. I have struggled with cutting for the last 8 years. I had so hoped that once I left the environment I grew up in, I would also be leaving that struggle behind. I hoped that moving some place new, having a chance to be a new person, I could magically implement those coping mechanisms I have been learning for the last 6 years and I would never battle with cutting again. (I did say it was naive). It is so exhausting to fight without any end in sight, to fight when nothing ever appears to change, to fight even when you already feel beaten. I have always seen my battle with cutting as lost, I've already succumbed to it, I am a cutter. Just as there is no such thing as a "recovering alcoholic", there is no such thing as a "recovering cutter." Hidden away within this defeat, is one soul crushing lie: fighting is mute. When I begin to believe this lie, that is when I have truly lost.
True faith is this, that we act even when we are riddled by doubts. Beliefs are fleeting and emotions are temporary, it is our actions that will fill the pages of our lives. Whether I believe I have lost my battle with cutting or each temptation is a new battle waiting to be determined, my actions will dictate the person I become. I will choose to fight, not because I stand to lose or gain anything, but because when I read the story of my life to the Lord, I want my character to have been one that fought with all of her little heart. So I will choose to continue fighting in my battle with cutting, even as I lament it's continued presence in my life.
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