Step Thirty-Four: Community

Dear Readers, 

Recently, I was going through a box of keep sakes. Old thank you notes, pictures, birthday cards. Sentimental little things. I came across this sun faded sign and like a Will Smith song brings you old people back to the 80's, I was flashing back to junior high. = ) 

In faded maroon and once-plum-purple, folded into thirds, is written the simple words "We love you Leela!" Two of my closest, and goofiest, friends made this sign for me one afternoon when they were hanging out and I was feeling especially blue. They then proceeded to take photos of themselves holding the sign making silly faces, which they promptly emailed to me. Before I moved, I kept this sign hanging on my wall, a constant reminder of the friendship we shared. It is one of the two memories that moves me to tears, even to this day. 

The second memory is this: I went with most of my small group and my church to Kansas for my first summer camp. While we were there a junior high boy from a school that some of my friends attended died. I was flooded by memories of my own friend's suicide. Of the hurt and loss. That night, lying in our tents, "sleeping" two of the girls pulled out a flashlight and together we put on an amazing shadow show. This, of course, rendered us into a state of giddiness that, if I remember correctly, ended with us half quacking, half snorting in our sleeping bags. 

These girls, along with our other small group mates, were the first to teach me one of the most important lesson I've learned: it's all about community. Things are in perpetual motion. They are always changing. Even our relationships with people will change. But, like the eye of a storm, God provides us with a refuge. A place where the whirlwinds of change surround us and yet we remain untouched. It is within our community. We cannot do life without a community, they carry us when we cannot walk, they laugh with us when all we've left is tears, they lift us up in prayers when we cannot even find the strength to kneel, they love us when we cannot find ourselves worthy of loving. And most importantly, they show us God. They represent his unconditional love, they model His desire for a relationship, and they act as His tools filling our needs. Your community will change, it will grow and shrink, ebb and flow, but do not let it disappear. They are a life line, a modified circle of life and, ultimately, happiness is unachievable without them. 

To my first small group: thank you and I love you. = ) 

Step Thirty-Three: Take a Detour or Two

Dear Readers,

When facing change I find myself doing the same thing: reflecting. I ask myself how I got to this point. I ask myself what detours I took to get to these exact cross roads. As I am preparing for college, preparing to go out on my own for the first time, I find myself thinking about how I got here. It is a strange and squiggly path, but then anyone attempting to get from suicide to life that is rich and full of color and passion probably has to walk a strange and squiggly path. 

I look at the bends in my path, the curves, the times I failed or succumbed. The times I walked backwards rather than forwards. The times I was so lost I just quit walking. Each of these mistakes, each miscalculation, is a detour. So why would I advise you to get lost, to screw up? Because inevitably human nature dictates that you will, and when you do, I want you to see those detours and to realize you have an amazing opportunity in front of you. You can forever alter the path you are taking. You can take a whole new one. What freedom! In getting lost, in screwing up, we can be made anew! We can be redeemed! 

Most of my life I spent traveling towards an early death. Cutting before I was in junior high, suicidal by the time I did enter junior high. Oh yes. This was the path I was walking. It took a failed suicide attempt before I chose to follow a different path. I had to fail to find life. 

So are you facing detours? Is your life not going as planned? That's okay! Frustrating? Yes, but still okay. Use this moment to rewrite it. Use it to find a new path or even just to correct the one you're walking. Remember, failure and mistakes are not the end all to be all, sometimes they are even life giving. This is my prayer for you all, that when you find that detour, when you realize you have failed or that you are discontent you will use it to make things better, for yourself and for those whom your life touches. 

Step Thirty-Two: Name Your Fears

Dear Readers,

I struggle with fear. To some degree, all people struggle with fear. Fear, I believe, is extremely confusing. There are good fears, bad fears, serious fears, trivial fears, adrenaline-induced fears, and outright paralyzing fears. There are fears to work through and fears that ought to be heeded and to be perfectly honest I never know which is which. Lately, I've dealt with a lot of change. Now if I were to say I had a "worst fear" it would be change. Change does not sit well with my heart. Even good change causes my heart to go into a tizzy of worries. What I have learned is that naming my fears really helps me to figure it out. Why? Because before you can name your fears you must get to know them, intimately.

Imagine yourself as a little kid, lying in your dark room, trying to fall back asleep, when you hear a bump in the night. Some small tiny insignificant sound that escapes your attention during the day time, but now it has captured your attention, drawing you in and keeping your ears attentive and straining. Why are you listening so intently? Because you don't know what made that sound. There is literally a physiological thing happening in your body. Because you cannot identify this noise you also cannot assess it's threat level and the alertness in your body, the thudding heart, the fast breathing, the franticly racing mind are all physiological ways for your body to prepare to fight or flee.  Psychology aside, you are laying there in this stage of anxiety wondering what made this noise and you have a choice. Choice one: you can pull the blankets above your head and lay wide eyed beneath the covers wondering if some hideous thing is going to touch you at any moment. Choice two: you can slip out from beneath your covers, make a dash for the lamp, and begin to investigate. 

Change is my bump in the night. My body is entirely alert. God is saying "so what will it be, you have to make this decision, I will not make it for you." I have the choice to flee from (most of) my change. I could choose not to go to college, choose not to move away. I could pull the covers back over my head then I would spend the rest of my life wondering. I would be in a state of terror wondering when I'd hear the next bump and if this time it would be closer. But something tells me that if I chose this option, there would be no dawn. No hope for relief from the fears that bombard me. That is a very safe option. A very change free option. But it also sounds miserable! So option two, I could turn on the lights and begin to investigate. I could take a risk and dash across the country. It will cost me thousands of dollars, four years, and endless prayers all to see if this change-college thing isn't so bad. Oh there is risk involved. I could discover I hate it. I might decide that college isn't my thing and I want to attend a beauty parlor. But I could also discover I love it and that as hard as it is, I would not trade it for the world. Despite whatever I feel about this change in the end, I have to get to know it, I have to live it, I have to exist intimately within it. After I've done this, I can name that bump and I can return to bed knowing that no hideous monster awaits my inattention. I can find peace within my fear.

God calls us to have no fear. This makes zero sense to me. We are human, we can't not be afraid. But lately God has been revealing something to me. God isn't calling us to magically pop into existence without fear burdening our hearts. He's calling us to name our fears, to live with them in such a personal and intimate way that we cease to fear them, that we may find peace within them. He calls us to live in such a way that we must depend on Him to provide us strength and endurance, to keep us going when our human selves have failed, a way that brings us on our knees before Him. Then He will carry us victoriously to dawn so that we may say "good morning." 

It is not easy and more often than not, I mess it up but the hope I have for the morning sustains me and encourages me. One day (not necessarily one day soon but one day) I will have my dawn!

Step Thirty One: Don't Hold Anything Back

Dear Readers, 

I was riding home with a friend and her almost three year old daughter, Pocohantas blaring in the background, talking, when I realized I had found my newest blog post. 

We had spent the day together and I had seen her diffuse arguments, respond with endless patience, blast disney princess and veggie tale songs while singing along. I watched her prepare lunch, dinner, and hold a screaming child and on the way home while she and her daughter are singing some goofy song about fashion being more than just the clothes you wear. I could not help saying "you are an amazing mom!" (Because she is!) She laughed and thanked me for saying so, her usual modest response. But it got us talking about my future and Jessup and how while both of us are super excited for the change the actual implementation and the distance terrify us, so we aren't thinking about it. Perhaps she sprinkled a dash of boldness in my mashed potatoes (which were delicious) but once more I just said what was on my mind, " I need you." This lead us to a discussion on the awesomeness of God. (Don't try and find logic in our conversations, we aren't really the logical type... they don't really flow or fit together... they just kind of are). I said something that I realized should be the next step to living bold. 

God loves so freely, He holds nothing back. He never worries that He will overwhelm us with His emotions, or that we will not be able to handle it. His thoughts, feelings, heart, mind and soul are all out on the table. This is the way I want to live my life. I don't want to hold anything back. I want to lay it all on the line. Telling my friend she is a great mom is a perfect example. Normally, I would worry that she would take it the wrong way or be overwhelmed by my affection for her. Telling her I need her – that is totally taboo. I don't "need" anyone out loud. But telling her was totally worthwhile. It was intense and I wasn't sure how she would react, but it made her smile. I like to think it in some way affirmed her heart, encouraged her. (Mind you, I haven't actually asked her, so this is me assuming). 

I know that living without holding back will take time and practice, but even knowing that I have made a choice in taking a step in that direction is absolutely freeing. Now I'm not saying you should say the first thing that pops into your mind because often times we think stupid things we don't mean, but when it comes to matters of the heart, matters we have thought out and know are not going to change we should express those. We should allow our love to shape itself after our Lord's. Hold nothing back. Lay it all on the line. Rejection is a possibility. Actually, rejection is a reality, but you might also be surprised by people's responses. Sometimes, they need you too. = ) 

My thought for tonight. Hopefully my sweet friend doesn't mind my using her as inspiration. Love you dearly friend! 

Step Thirty: Living in Gratitude

Dear Readers,

Lately, I have been writing a lot of thank you notes. With graduation and influential teachers not to mention helping my sister write her baby shower thank you notes. It wasn't until tonight when I was writing thank you notes to a few very special people that it truly dawned on me: I have a lot to be grateful for! I always hated the phrase "count your blessings" because I thought 1. how cliche is that and 2. not all of us are such optimists but now I'm starting to think that maybe its on to something and it just needs to be rephrased. So here is my rephrasing – live in gratitude. 

God has absolutely spoiled me! There is such abundance in my life! I am surrounded and engulfed by people who adore me. He has met and exceeded my every need. He has given me people who amaze me, more "things" than I could ever use, and more experiences than I could ever have want of. He has provided me ample opportunity to learn life's lessons and the intellect to process such lessons. He has lead me to my dream school and worked miracles in getting me there. And I have more families than most people have friends. As I am writing these thank you notes, I cannot help but to be grateful, to remember all the blessings that are embedded in my life. The more I remember, the more grateful I become until I find myself even grateful that two of the most important people in my life are pregnant and therefore crazy. (No, really.) 

However, I also see that other people are struggling. Close friends of mine are struggling. I do not believe that they have been less blessed, that they have less to be grateful for. Nor do I believe that they aren't trying to look at it the right way or from the right perspective. I see my own struggles and complaints. Even in the midst of all this goodness, I still struggle, I still don't enjoy the fact that I have two very pregnant ladies who are crazy. But I still am living in gratitude. 

You see, when I hear "count your blessings"  what I really hear is "yeah, yeah, yeah – so you got it tough, look at the bright side and just ignore all the other crap." I believe it is some kind of unspoken connotation. That, my friends, is not counting your blessings, nor is it living in gratitude. People mistakenly believe that liking something and being grateful for something have to go hand in hand. As if we are only grateful for a gift if it is something we want. But this shouldn't be the case at all. Gratitude should be felt and expressed for all sweaters, the awesome cashmere ones that make us look awesome as well as the hideous from-the-thrift-store-for-two-dollars ones. Gratitude occurs when we realize that regardless of results, someone had the intention of blessing us, of loving us. It is born when our hearts realize that someone has thought of us, specifically. 

So how do you live in gratitude? The reality is, I only know of one way. We become grateful when we dwell within the Lord's heart. From this place we can experience the ups (like graduation) and the downs (like relinquished dreams) while living in gratitude. As our hearts intertwine themselves with the Lord's, we begin to see how He wants us to see. We begin to accept that all experiences have their purpose. Ultimately, in living with the Lord, our heart grows and in that growth we become more and more aware of all that we have been given. 

So count your blessings or live in gratitude, it's a content place of existence. 

Step Twenty-Nine: Subtle Love

Dear Readers,

Love. This is an interesting and often cheesy subject, one that can certainly not be discussed in depth in a single entry. This is just one face of a many facetted jewel. 

What is love? This is a very broad question but I like thinking about the bigger picture. What is a love story? The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Romeo and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, Pocohantas... yes. These are all fantastic stories of lovers. But are there other love stories? What about Friends, My Sister's Keeper, Harry Potter, Eragon, or The Blind Side? We love our spouses, we love our friends, families, siblings, children, parents, teachers, mentors. We even love our pets. Love permeates our society, even as evil and hatred seem to prevail. Love is a culture's blood, it binds them, makes them stronger. But it is also subtle. Like our own blood, it moves beneath the surface, mostly forgotten. We become aware of this blood when it comes gushing out, perhaps when our own heart's are broken and wounded, other times when we are in the midst of celebration, and still other's when we become excited and we feel our heart's throbbing with excitement and the blood rushing to our head. 

I tried to find a definition of love. Tried to find some means to explain or control it. At first, I thought "love is an emotion, a feeling" but is that love? There is a quote from The Good Wife that got me thinking that love isn't always an emotion, Alicia says "reciting poetry is easy, it's parent teacher conferences that are hard." Feelings are fleeting and temporary. So then I thought "love must be an action then." Yes we do indeed show our love through actions, whether we have baked our friend a birthday cake, held children as they cry, or made soup for our sick grandmother. I cannot deny that both action and feeling must both be a part of love. James said show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith through my actions. Is it not the same for love? If you claim to love someone, but never act through your love, do you really love them? But what about this love? What of the love that occurs between a missionary and the orphans they teach? What of the love that occurs between soldiers? What of the love between a stranger holding open a door? Of two people working together for a cause? I guess I came to the conclusion that I have no definition for love but that doesn't stop us from knowing it, from recognizing it, when we look for it. 

This brings us to our point. Love surrounds us, it enfolds us. Both the love of our friends and the love of our God. There is no escaping it. But it is subtle. It moves beneath the surfaces of our relationships. We must open our eyes to see it. So start looking. 

Step Twenty-Eight: A Pessimist's Gift

Dear Reader,

In order to understand this blog, you must understand two things about me. The first is that I tend to be more of a pessimist. I approach all situations looking for that which is flawed, after I've identified those flaws I am usually able to move forward and experience that which is good in a situation. I also have a tendency of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see what will go wrong next. Now the second thing is a bit of a paradox. I have the gift of encouragement. Have you ever heard of an encouraging pessimist? I haven't either. Once more, I find myself astounded by the fact that God truly does have a sense of humor, but I don't just think God made me an encouraging pessimist to be the butt of a joke. I believe that God has bigger things in mind.

For starters, I believe the existence of such paradoxes are evidence of Him. Think about it. God and the world exist on parallel fields. If it does not belong to God, it belongs to the world. If it does not belong to the world, it belongs to God. (It is imperative that you understand that the Devil governs the world). If things went according to the "natural" or "normal" way (meaning that I would either be a discouraging pessimist or an encouraging optimist), we can assume that this is the way of the world. So when the "abnormal" comes along (a discouraging optimist or an encouraging pessimist), we can also assume that this is evidence of some outside force which influences us, forcing us away from our original states of being. (Think of metals, their natural state of being is not in the shape of a car. Some outside force had to come along and shape it to be a car). But, alas, God does not need me to prove His existence. Perhaps there is a far more personal reason for such paradoxes...

I believe that people are usually some combination of their environment and their own personal growth. My pessimism is undoubtedly a product of the life experiences I have experienced and the techniques I've seen used in these experiences. My gift of encouragement is probably a testament to the growth the Lord has done in me and my own choices in allowing and obeying Him. The interesting thing, though, is that many times I feel that my pessimism does not hinder my encouragement, rather it strengthens it. As if, having lived in discouragement, it gives my words merit and strength. 

Anyways, the point of this blog entry: life is full of paradoxes. Look for them, see what you can learn from them. Take their lessons and live them out. Let them fill your life to the brim with all that is good and joyful, because that is the only life worth living.