Step Two: Seek Relentlessly and Ask Openly

Dear Reader,

A while back I realized my personal prayer life was faltering, I just could not get my heart or mind to focus. I would set aside 30 minutes for prayer and by the time I actually got my mind and heart in the same frame of mind I would only have 5 minutes left for prayer. I was frustrated and flummoxed, for an 18 year old girl growing up in the give-me-it-now generation, I'd say I have a decent amount of concentration. I just could not figure out what was going on inside of me and I certainly do not like my body doing things I don't have control over! During this A.D.H.D. spell I heard a sermon, I cannot remember the actual topic but I do remember the man was talking about prayer. More specifically he was talking about the how to of prayer. 

This man began to talk about prayer as a tangible. As Christians, this man and I both had the same problem--prayer is often considered a... well this unspoken, unseen, movement. Perhaps a feeling. So the man began to talk about this wooden beaded rosary he had bought (he was not catholic) to give his prayer life some tangibility. He also spoke about other techniques (such as meditating or walking) to help focus, but for whatever reason the rosary idea stuck with me (perhaps it is the image I have of my grammy and grampy praying the rosary). I decided to seek out a rosary of my own, and so for my trip to California I was determined to find and buy a rosary (why it had to be in California, I have no idea). I searched every bead stand we passed in San Francisco (which, if you have ever been to San Francisco, you know is a lot) as well as every non-target, non-walmart store we crossed. No dice. Finally, tonight, my last night, my mentor asked a family friend if she happened to know where we could buy a rosary. The woman opened her purse and pulled out a gorgeous blue and silver rosary and placed it in my hands. She said she had several rosaries and that this was one that simply traveled with her and that she would be honored to give it to me. Now I sit with it intertwined in my fingers and I am realizing that my search for a rosary taught me many lessons: 

1. I didn't need a rosary to pray, I needed to change the way I thought about praying. I lost myself in the ideology that prayer is about feeling and moving hearts, which it is, but it is also about obedience and sacrifice. Sometimes prayer is a deeply moving emotional and spiritual experience in which your heart is overwhelmed, and sometimes prayer is a ritual, a habit, a routine and concealed somewhere within the discipline and consistency is a change of heart. Perhaps, it is even that, that discipline and habitual nature is meant to be the movement.  Perhaps in the sacrificing of our time, our desires and whims, and even our words, we grow and we change... 
2. A bold life, a grand adventure, a good relationship all require that we seek relentlessly – that is without end. Just as I combed the bead seller's stalls in San Francisco, a bold life calls us to seek after something without ceasing, as does a good story, or even a good relationship (with either humans or God). Our life is all about the "search." Think about it honestly, could you not think of something you are looking for or searching for or seeking after or even simply wanting (the simple English way of saying "looking") something? In the last week, I can name five things I have sought after. I am always searching. There is probably some Freudian-mumbo-jumbo or philosophical non-sense that would say that this is a sign of incompleteness in my life, but I would say that, that search is a calling and since this is Lee's blog and not Freud's I am going to write about it like I am right (yay)! Our constant seeking is testament to the stories we all desire to lead. Any good story has to have a main purpose and if you think about those purposes, they are all about quests and searches. The search for the perfect man (or woman), the quest to discover one's identity, the search for treasure or the lottery, the quest to save ones gym, the search for friendship or belonging... it goes on and on and on. In fact, I'd be willing to bet there isn't a single movie in existence that doesn't involve some amount of a search somewhere within the plot or sub-plot. So here is my advice: once you know what you are looking for, seek relentlessly. That's not to say obsess over it, but don't give in when you don't find it immediately, keep searching and let the adventure unfold... you never know when some kind stranger may make it all worth while (and worth blogging about too)! 
3. Don't be afraid to ask other's to join you in your search. We all know that life is better when we have other's beside us, but so often society makes searching into a bad thing – a sign of weakness. Suddenly we are isolating ourself, refusing to allow anyone to help and refusing to offer our help. However, had I not spoken of my quest for the rosary (the next Monty Python movie?!?!) to my mentor, the kind woman would never have heard and I would be flying home rosary-less. Through my courageous act of voicing my desires, and through my mentors courageous act of asking for help in meeting those desires God was able to use one woman's kindness. It all started with asking for help. However, I must warn you that in asking for help, you must also be willing to give it, to join others in their searches. 

Anywho... I hope this all makes sense, cause it's late and I am sleepy. 

Step One: Pray Boldly

Dear Readers,

So about a year ago I started thinking about what every high school senior starts to think about: what I wanted to do with "my life." (Also known as what I am going to do after high school). The what (college) was easy, the where was the bigger question, and so the search for the "right" college began. In this search I learned a few things:

1. The search for the right college is very public. It's as if the conveying of your grade is an open invitation to a game of twenty questions... in fact, life itself will not go on unless you reveal any and all places of interest, your intended major, your scholarship efforts, and whether or not you plan to live at home or in a dorm. 
2. The actual process of searching is probably one of the more asinine things in this grand ol' world. Colleges can effectively be split up six ways: two year or four year, cheap or expensive, liberal arts or science/math geared. Beyond that the prospective students are left to sift through thousands of brochures, emails, letters, phone calls, and websites to find the right college. Let's just be honest, finding the right college is one big research project. 
3. Finding the right college is worth every ounce of hard work you put in. It just is. You may sweat, cry, grow discouraged, and want your mama but finding that college that works with you and invites you to feel at home justifies all the thumb sucking. 

So after months of looking I found the college my heart desperately wanted to go to: William Jessup University. There was just one tiny problem... it was private and therefore more expensive. To say that finances are tight in my family is like calling a tornado a slight breeze. Not realizing it then, I took a risk and asked God for something He had every right to deny. 

I don't know how many of you do this, but over the past few months I realize that most of what I ask God for is easy to answer stuff, and if it doesn't happen then I can blame it on myself or some other outside factor. I don't have to risk hearing God say "no." What i mean is, my prayers usually go something like this: 

"God please bless _______", "Jesus help me pass this test", "Lord teach me patience with ______", etc. 

None of them put anything on the line. None of them take risks. All of those prayers, though important to pray, are safe. If I fail the test, it is because I didn't do or know enough. God didn't say no. What I am really saying in that instance, is that it is my inadequacy that kept me from passing, it was not God's answer. See if God's answer is no, that challenges my faith, it forces me to choose to obey and continue loving a God who didn't pass me in trigonometry. (Oh tragedy!)  

But in the summer, I came to a scary realization: there was nothing I could do that would enable me to go to Jessup. Nothing. There were simply too many obstacles. Dismayed I got down on my knees and I asked God that if this was His will for me that He would make it happen. I asked Him to give me a miracle. And as I prayed, my prayers grew ever more risky. I begged Him to move hearts to acceptance, I pleaded with Him to open doors that were nailed shut, and I beseeched Him to provide the funds to pay for it. I became vulnerable, God could say no, He could choose to send me another way and my faith and obedience would be tested. 

I prayed and I waited, until finally one-by-one heart's began to change. Not every heart, but enough of them to lend me encouragement and hope. So I sent in my application and I waited. Then I received my acceptance package and a scholarship offer and saw, still, more hearts change. Then doors and obstacles fell away, as though they weren't really there at all. Finally, in this past week I visited Jessup and I handed my admissions counselor my housing deposit. I will be attending Jessup come fall! 

While on the campus I was praying with a friend and God called me to, once more, pray boldly. He called me to ask for a full funding, so I timidly requested that He provide the full $25,000 in one way or another. Afterwards I met with financial aid and learned some very dismaying news, my financial aid application had been rejected and unless I got a parent signature I wouldn't be eligible for anything more than the scholarships I'd already received. In a matter of seconds, I convinced myself of the impossibility of the situation – my mom hates that I am going out of state and would not willingly sign anything that would make it easier for me to leave! My heart grieved! I had been bold and vulnerable and my God had disappointed me! Something inside of me mourned! I felt my dream dying quickly before my eyes... and then something inside of me said "ask again." I was repulsed! Was God some kind of mean bully? That He would have me open my heart again, so that He could stab me once more?!?! But this is my God, my Savior, my Father... I had to obey. So I sat with my friend once more and asked "God please find me the full funding to attend Jessup, and change my mothers heart so that she would sign this paperwork without too much fighting?" That night I called my mother and mentioned the financial aid aspect and without fighting she agreed to look into getting a pin number. 

I cannot say these past few months have been easy, but I can tell you that they have been exciting and a story worth telling! So, step one to living boldly – pray boldly! Prayers are the desires of the heart. If your prayers are mundane and safe, your heart will be mundane and safe. Take a risk, thrive on some adrenaline and realize that the possibility of injury is what makes life exciting! So maybe it would be safer to not jump off the bridge into the freezing water below, but life would be a lot more interesting if you did jump! Lesson one: bold means risky, so living boldly means living risky!